


So Far Away/ So Near

by Cold_Breeze



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Attempt at Humor, Band Fic, Bittersweet, Coming Out, Developing Relationship, Dreams and Nightmares, Emotional Roller Coaster, Established Relationship, Eventual Smut, Jealousy, M/M, Romance, Sexual Content, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, Unintentional Love Triangle, cursing, dumb and dumber dunkin donut, gloom, smoking and drinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:07:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 60
Words: 47,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21954127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cold_Breeze/pseuds/Cold_Breeze
Summary: Hyungwon and Changkyun are not getting along but for how long?
Relationships: Chae Hyungwon/Im Changkyun | I.M, hyungkyun - Relationship
Comments: 71
Kudos: 134





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I will be damned for not updating my Hyungwonho stories...I am so sorry.
> 
> The first chapter is more like a foreward...all the convos are real...I just copied them. If someone cannot place a name to them...they were Alligator CB, Star Road and Episode 136. You can tell that these three pieces have been stuck inside my mind for a while. I'll revolve the whole story around the feeling that it gives me. From both perspectives. 
> 
> I don't know if my writing is interesting. Sometimes I get inspired but...yeah, try to enjoy it if you can. 
> 
> Merry Christmas.

MH: IM, What did you do on Lunar New Year’s day?

CK: “Well, … I was with you.” Stroke him a moment later.

MH: Right, you were with me. We went to the ice rink.

CK: "Minhyuk was the only one who replied", as he turned to glance at Hyungwon who was sitting to the left, letting out a little, desperate laughter out loud.

HW: Back then…

WH: Both of you, please. Sort this out later. Don’t fight. We’ve been watching it for a week. 

HW: I was in Gwangju.

WH: Right.

HW: “So I couldn’t reply. If I were in Seoul, I would have gone with you.” He tapped on Changkyun’s shoulder lightly but carelessly. 

MH: Can’t you read it in Gwangju?

WH: Your phone is not working there? Sorry but I am curious. 

HW: Because I couldn’t go there anyway…

CK: So you didn’t reply.

HW: Next time I won’t do that.

MH: You didn’t want to make him expect. 

HW: Right, I wanted to say that.

WH: But communication is also important and you ignored it.

MH: Let’s stop talking about it.

Hyungwon could hear Wonho laughing with a not so unfamiliar “kidding” but it was already too late. Hyungwon could feel his heart getting heavier. The mood was spoiled but the show must go on. He gulped all the resentment, put it aside in the furthest drawer and continued after a momentary weakness as if it never happened. Yes, he was a human and yes sometimes his feelings gave a crack on his one of several masks he wore on a daily basis.

Minhyuk reminded of his eye roll during a Vlive for at least another week.

* * *

Shownu and Jooheon were explaining what kind of vitamins they have been taking recently to keep their immune system in check. Hyungwon has been standing next to Minhyuk saying nothing for a long time now.

JH: Gummy Omega 3

MH: Sorry to interrupt but one person is not joining the talk. I think we need to keep talking about bowling.

CK: Well, do you remember that?

Hyungwon had a space between him and Minhyuk. He had no intention to close the gap between the rest of the members so Minhyuk tugged him by the sleeve to become more harmonious among the rest of the group.

CK: I tried to help you to get better and bought probiotics worth 200.000 won but you didn’t take any of them.

Kihyun gasped and Hyungwon was just standing there, looking at no one in particular, disbelief written all over the face. 

MH: Hyungwon is like…I’ll stop right here, he won’t even remember where they are. IM keeps talking about Hyungwon. His image is getting worse.

Hyungwon’s expression was still hard to be accepted as “normal.”

CK: Really? 

HW: We are not here to talk about our personal talk.

WH: We are not here for that, it’s just after playing the bowling. 

HW: I am only being quiet.

WH: We played a game and talked about health. Do you know what I mean?

HW: Okay, I took a pill yesterday for bad digestion. 

The rest of the members laughed out loud. He knew none of them were sincere enough for his liking but he didn’t care. He had to get rid of this extreme awkwardness. 

HW: “That’s all I take.” He said in an exaggerated way which seemed to satisfy the members. Once again he didn’t care how sincere the response was. 

He swallowed another lump of hard feelings and put it to the same drawer. 

* * *

Come back week was the worst and Hyungwon thought it was a final straw. 

A makeup artist was touching on Kihyun’s makeup.

HW: What time is it?

CK: Who are you talking to?

MH: 5:04…5:05 AM

HW: "5:04" he repeated, supporting his left cheek, glancing at the camera.

Changkyun glanced at the camera direction; he has been sitting to it with his back.

MH: It’s been more than that.

HW: “Who I am talking to…” he said dreamily. 

Changkyun thought that he was talking on the phone. He then yelled “Hyung” in a fake voice. Hyungwon could do nothing but smile.

KH: Do you know why he is like this? They are not on good terms right now.

CK: It’s not really like that.

MH: Changkyun just gave up on the relationship with Hyungwon. Changkyun’s love for him cooled off.

KH: About Hyungwon, he is just nice to hyungs.

Minhyuk pointed at Changkyun “He is just the one making efforts…to be frank.”

KH: Hyungwon is good in reacting to those who are his elders and very cold to his youngsters.

HW: Do you know how he picks up the phone?

-“Hey, Changkyun do you want to get some air at Han River?”

-“No”

MH: He is not like that to me.

HW: He does that to me. “No,” “Yes, it’s okay,” Yes, No.” 

MH: That’s actually not good.

KH: He does the same to me.

He hardly remembers what the continuation of the conversation was. No, actually he does very well but he refused to think about it after a moment of melancholy. 

His view became faint, the pain was getting stronger. 

Maybe a little too strong for him to handle. 

He regrets the created fantasy.

It lured him in and made Hyungwon feel distant.

Distant from Changkyun. 

He wanted the complete opposite but the water was too deep.


	2. Dark Paradise

It was a couple of days later when Changkyun caught Hyungwon in the balcony of their house a little after 3 AM. They finished around 1 and all of the members hit the beds as soon as they were done with showers. Changkyun couldn’t sleep when he noticed a silhouette in the dark. And what was that, a cigarette?

“Hyungwon?” he opened the door to the balcony watching a guy leaning against the wall, a cigarette slowly burning in his hand. 

Hyungwon was halfway dragging it to his lips but as soon as he heard his name, he inhaled greedily.

“Since when did you start smoking?” Changkyun’s voice was genuinely surprised.

Hyungwon stayed silent, he kept bringing his cigarette back and forth, staring at the guy opposite to him.

"Hyungwon?"

“You know,” Hyungwon said and a long pause came afterward.

“Yeah?” Changkyun was getting more nervous with every passing second.

“I guess you are right. It is not right when the relationships are lopsided or…” Hyungwon put the cigarette out into as Changkyun suspected was a cup that Kihyun bought “as you indicated one-sided. You’re right, maybe we should put a hold on our relationship. Make it business-like, you know?” Hyungwon shot him a glance which Changkyun noticed in the dim of the yellow street lightning.

“What?” He dumbfoundedly found himself asking.

Hyugnwon, however, was already passing him by and entering the living room.

“What did you just say?” Changkyun grabbed him by the left arm. It was cold as ice. 

“Do I have to repeat myself? Is my accent so striking you cannot understand my Korean yet again?” Hyungwon turned around to look at Changkyun down, his eyes half-lidded and calm but distant.

Changkyun gaped like a fish. He tried to formulate an adequate response to the outrageous statement but no words came to his mind.

Hyungwon kept on staring and Changkyun was forced to look away.

“What are you talking about?” He could finally manage to breathe out.

“I am saying we should draw the line.” He tiredly blinked and tore himself loose. Changkyun could see him leave the room. He was standing there for a long time trying to process Hyungwon's words. He couldn’t. 

The first thing he did in the morning was to come and sit at the table next to Hyungwon. The other guy was drowsily sipping on his coffee with his half-closed eyes.

“Hey,” Changkyun almost whispered while half turning towards Hyungwon.

“Morning,” he mumbled under his cup.

“What was that supposed to mean?” Changkyun stared at Hyungwon’s profile.

“Do I need to repeat myself?” Hyungwon glanced quickly at Changkyun and then looked at his half-finished liquid.

“Do you really mean it?” He said now louder “That’s it?” 

Hyungwon looked at Minhyuk who was quickly blinking at him. Hoseok was the one to speak up though.

“Are you fighting? Again?” He said in an amused voice.

Changkyun turned to look at Hoseok and Hyungwon caught his uneasiness in the corner of his eye. 

“Are you enjoying yourself?” Hyungwon coldly stared at Hoseok.

“W-what?” He turned to look in surprise. 

“You’re very perceiving but sometimes I wish you…” Hyungwon glanced at Minhyuk who looked like he was shocked. “…no, nevermind.” Hyungwon finished and left the kitchen table.

All three of them were looking at each other. 

“What’s wrong with him?” Hoseok asked but never got a response.

* * *

“Talk to me,” Changkyun caught Hyungwon smoking again.

The other guy was leaning against the wall again, looking somewhere up the starry sky.

“Why are you doing this?” Hyungwon was looking up.

“What do you mean?”

“This,” as he made a circle between both of them with his right index finger.

“I don’t understand.”

“I am just tired of feeling nothing but anxiousness around you, Changkyun-ah.” Hyungwon said while inhaling, puffing the air through his nose.

“I make you feel anxious?” Changkyun’s jaw seemed to hit the floor.

“Don’t be so surprised. Rather…tell me what kind of feelings I urge inside your heart.” He looked straight at Changkyun, eyes cold as ice. Changkyun couldn’t read them, at all. Hyungwon didn’t wait for the other guy to answer. 

“Is it a disappointment? Anger? Annoyance? Distress? Heartache or is it that you just let it all go?” Hyungwon was still looking.

“I don’t understand,” Changkyun mumbled.

“Yes, you do. I know that it annoys you when I do not behave appropriately to your standards. I am sorry I didn’t answer while I was at home during the holiday season. I am sorry I am a careless person who doesn’t care about my health and wasted your money. I sent them back to you a couple of days ago. Check your balance.

“What?” Changkyun said surprised. “I don’t want your money.”

“And I don’t want presents that will be thrown back at my face the moment I make you upset.” Hyungwon crossed his arms on his chest.

“I didn’t mean to.”

“You didn’t but you did anyway.”

“You’re impossible,” Changkyun said sighing. “So what you are implying is that you are upset that I blew up a couple of times?”

“No. I am just tired to feel like a piece of shit when it comes to you. Enough is enough, Changkyun-ah. When relationships do not work you either put an end to them or…” Hyungwon put the cigarette out. “Let’s just not upset each other anymore, okay? We aren’t the only ones involved.” He gave a crooked smile and was about to pass by when the maknae grabbed his arm.

“That’s it? You give up on me?” Changkyun looked up at Hyungwon, his fringe covering most of his eyes.

Hyungwon chuckled as he shook his head.

“Don’t you remember? You were the one who gave up on me. Relationships should be horizontal. It doesn’t have to be lopsided to one side, right? I am not someone who wears a heart on his sleeve like Hoseok but I am not dumb enough to not see that I am not the only one out there. I wonder why Minhyuk would ever say that your affection is bigger than mine when I…” Hyungwon bit his lower lip.

“What is it?” Changkyun held his breath.

“It doesn’t matter anymore. I am sorry I failed to convey my feelings straight to you. Never once did I want to make you feel uncomfortable.” Hyungwon bowed slightly and disappeared behind the glass door leaving Changkyun in astral.

* * *

It was a little after 7 AM as all of them were sitting in the kitchen eating their breakfast while Hyungwon was the only one who was sipping on his second cup of coffee. 

Changkyun glanced at the taller guy from time to time which made Hoseok raise an eyebrow.

“What? You aren’t done fighting yet?” 

“It’s not like that,” Changkyun said calmly.

Hyungwon only showered Hoseok with an unimpressed gaze. 

“Stop it,” Minhyuk said chewing on his food. “Let them be.”

“Yes, it’s not important because I want to know who broke the cup I bought a couple of months ago, NOW.” Kihyun said eyeing the cupboard.

“It was me,” Hyungwon said coolly. “I didn’t break it though, it’s in the balcony.”

“Why?”

“I’ve been using it as an ashtray,” he peeked through the rim of his cup at Kihyun who quietly gasped.

“Since when did you start?” Minhyuk said louder than necessary.

Hyungwon only shrugged.

Changkyun could see Minhyuk shooting daggers at the taller guy who was aimlessly looking at nothing in particular.


	3. Unsteady

Hyungwon and Hyunwoo were changing their clothes when Minhyuk entered their bedroom, shutting the door behind him.

“What’s going on?” Minhyuk leaned against a now-closed door, his both hands on the doorknob.

Hyunwoo slightly opened his mouth in a habitual way. He did it whenever he had no idea what was going on. Hyungwon pulled his long-sleeved shirt up, hair a bird's nest as he threw it on his bed and picked a black turtle neck jumper only to stop and look at Minhyuk instead. 

“Are you talking about Changkyun?” Hyungwon fixed Minhyuk with a thoughtful gaze.

“Yeah.”

“Do you want me to leave?” Hyunwoo said unsurely.

“Stay, you need to know what’s going on in the group since you are a leader,” Minhyuk said not looking away from Hyungwon.

“So?” Minhyuk encouraged Hyungwon to continue.

Hyungwon has long forgotten about his jumper as he lowered his both arms to the sides, jumper being wrinkled in his left hand. He tilted his head to the right, inspecting Minhyuk’s face.

“You know,” he said almost whispering.

Hyunwoo turned to look at Hyungwon but his face didn’t indicate any emotions.

“I don’t. I just know what kind of person you are.” Minhyuk heaved a sigh. “What did you do?” He said louder.

Hyungwon snorted.

“I was just being myself. I didn’t do anything to intentionally hurt him, Min.” And a stranger would think he laughed for a brief second but Minhyuk could tell his friend who was standing opposite to him was distressed.

When Minhyuk didn't make any sort of response, Hyungwon started to put on a jumper when he heard Hyunwoo clearing his voice.

“Do you want to talk about it?” He said while looking at Minhyuk calculating something inside his mind.

“I need some time in order to think straight. I am not ready to talk about it yet, sorry.” He ran his fingers through his hair and walked towards Minhyuk, blinking straight at him. Minhyuk silently opened the door for him and both Hyunwoo and Minhyuk quietly watched the taller guy motioning towards the hall. 

“Do you think it’s serious?” Hyunwoo scratched his chin.

“I am not sure but I think so. Hyungwon’s bothered and I hardly ever see him truly upset.”

Minhyuk opened and closed his mouth, giving a couple of moments to let the said words sink in.

Changkyun saw Hyunwoo making quick steps towards Hyungwon who was in the middle of putting his shoes on. He started to chew on his lower lip unconsciously. He watched Hyungwon faintly smiling and then heading out, Hyunwoo turning back and smiling right at Changkyun. Changkyun was forced to look away. Something about the situation just felt wrong. He turned on his heel to grab his backpack in the room when he literally stumbled into Minhyuk’s chest. 

“Are you ok?” Minhyuk stared at him.

“Yeah?” He passed the other guy by and disappeared in their room.

* * *

Hyungwon took the bus. It felt like ages since he took public transportation the last time. He wondered why he didn’t do it more often. He never wore clothes that would draw too much attention. Most of the winter he was covering his face either with a scarf or mask. He decided to do it more often. Not because he wanted to avoid Changkyun as much as possible and at any cost. No, not because of that. Not at all.

When he got to the studio, the rest of the members were warming up.

“It took you ages,” Hoseok whined watching the guy disentangle his endless scarf. 

“Sorry, I didn’t think it would take me so long."

Changkyun was staring at Hyungwon the entire time. Not once did he look his way.

* * *

“I am craving soft tofu stew. Who wants to join me?” Hyungwon said sitting on the floor, his back against the mirror wall, he was running his fingers through his wet hair. 

The rest of the members were catching their breaths. Most of them were laying on the floor.

“ME,” Hyunwoo and Hoseok said in unison, raising their hands up in the air.

Changkyun could see Hyungwon nodding, a moment later he pulled his head back, breathing heavily.

“Do you want to come?” Minhyuk almost whispered in Changkyun’s ear. The guys were leaning against each other’s backs. 

Changkyun snorted. “Nah, it’s hyung time anyway,” he whispered into Minhyuk’s ear and leaped on his feet making Minhyuk fall on his back.

“I am going home,” Changkyun said to no one in particular while grabbing his things and walking away, glancing at the mirror only to find Hyungwon’s eyes trained on him, his face still flushed.

The door was shut with a clinging sound a moment later.


	4. Empty space

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case someone is not aware Hyungwon and Jooheon call each other "jagiya" which means honey or sweety, but they use "z" instead of "j"...I will probably use it a lot, just so you know.

Changkyun threw his sports bag in the hallway, carelessly took his shoes off and fell on the couch with a thud a moment later. 

He turned the TV on and was switching between the channels without registering what each of them was playing. He stopped on the one that broadcasted a drama. He watched a couple of episodes and he would be interested in the plot development if only he wasn't thinking of nothing but Hyungwon’s eyes. He scratched the back of his head as he leaned on the back of the couch, staring at the ceiling for a long time. The TV was getting more and more distant. He didn’t notice when he fell asleep.

* * *

“Is he asleep?” Hoseok whispered.

“It seems like it,” Kihyun said hardly audibly “Don’t wake him up,” he tugged at Hyungwon’s sleeve who was heading towards Changkyun.

“It’s fine. Let him take care of him.” Minhyuk shushed at Kihyun and pushed the rest of the members in the direction of their rooms. 

Hyungwon put the plastic box of stew on the coffee table and stood over Changkyun, observing his head falling over the back of the couch. He clicked the tongue on the roof of his mouth and sat next to the other guy, ever so gently helping his upper body on his lap. Changkyun mumbled something but he wasn't awakened from a dream.

Hyungwon was attentively boring at Changkyun’s face. He was gently playing with his hair, sighing from time to time. The other guy’s sleeping face calmed him down in a funky way. Hyungwon didn’t want the creeping feelings to take over him so he smoothly put his padded coat under Changkyun’s head, covered him with a blanket, and after turning the TV off left to his respected room.

* * *

Changkyun was awoken by Kihyun’s voice. He had 20 minutes to get ready. He stretched his arms and legs while idly opening his eyes, realizing he is not in his bed. He rose up and lazily tottered towards the bathroom. 

“Morning,” Jooheon greeted him with a toothbrush in his mouth.

“Yo,” Changkyun yawned.

“How did you sleep?” 

“Pretty well, I am surprised I slept till the morning there.”

“Yeah,” Jooheon chuckled, spitting the paste and cleansing his mouth a moment later.

Changkyun was the last to hop in the van. The only place that’s left was next to Hyungwon, who was already dazing off. 

“What’s up? He asked Minhyuk who was taking a picture of Hyungwon's half-opened mouth.

“He hit the bed late. He was busy staring at…” he locked eyes with Changkyun.

“At?” He arched his eyebrow.

“No, nothing, forget about it.” He put his phone away and turned to look outside the window. 

Changkyun made himself comfortable in the SUV, stealing glances at Hyungwon from time to time who didn’t wake up till arrival.

* * *

“What do you want to eat?” Changkyun heard as Hyungwon took one of his earphones. He was trying to relax. He was the last to do a photoshoot. He blinked at Hyungwon who was bent over him, eyes boring into him.

Changkyun sat up and dragged both of his hands over his face. 

“What are you having?” He glanced at Hyungwon who was now standing perfectly still, eating the inside of his cheek.

“Min wanted a whole chicken with soup. We are going to share, do you want the same?” He softly spoke.

Changkyun quickly glanced at him and then at his shoes, deep in thought.

“Yeah, okay. I will have the same.” 

“Okay,” Hyungwon turned on his heel and swiftly walked towards the commotion.

Changkyun kept his eyes fixed on the taller guy until he turned around the corner; he heaved a heavy sigh shortly after.

* * *

It was long after midnight when everyone except for Hyungwon and Hyunwoo dragged their feet tiredly into their apartment. Changkyun and Jooheon were plastered on the couch, a random movie playing while Minhyuk went to play his currently favorite video game, Hoseok disappeared in the room he turned into a gym and Kihyun went to take a shower. 

“I am hungry,” Changkyun mumbled after commercials started playing.

“Hyungwon brought you some stew yesterday, eat it or it will go bad. You know how everything turns into dust in our fridge.” Jooheon said not looking away from the screen.

Changkyun was tempted to say something but refrained to. He slid into his slippers and walked towards the kitchen. He spotted a white plastic box and took it out, microwaved it with precooked rice and sat at the table. 

Changkyun was slowly enjoying his food when he heard a clicking sound of the entrance door, Hyungwon and Hyunwoo materializing a second later. 

“Yo,” Hyunwoo said while passing by.

Changkyun nodded while chewing on his rice.

“Hey,” Hyungwon walked into the kitchen and sat opposite to Changkyun, a big paper bag next to him.

Changkyun nodded once again and pointed at the other guy with a spoon.

“Thanks for the food,” he finally managed after swallowing.

Hyungwon only dreamily smiled.

“We got some pastries,” Hyungwon switched his gaze at the bag and back at Changkyun. “Hyunwoo picked a bunch of chocolate and vanilla cakes but I know you do not like extremely sweet things. I picked two that are not supposed to be as teeth rotting.” The faintest smile appeared on his lips again. 

Changkyun openly stared with a spoon up in the air, a spoonful of rice behind his right cheek, mouth slightly opened. 

“You look like a hamster,” Hyungwon commented.

“You are so weird, Hyungwon.” Changkyun said while starting to thoroughly chew on his food again.

“I know,” heard Changkyun and then an older guy disappeared behind the doors only to stomp back in less than a minute later.

“What’s this?!” Hyungwon threw an envelope at Changkyun, it almost ended up in the soup.

“You know what it is,” Changkyun placed it on the table as he looked up.

Hyungwon’s gaze was stern and unapologetic. 

“You,” he gritted through teeth.

“Me,” Changkyun stated. 

“Don’t do this, Changkyun-ah.” Hyungwon whispered. 

“Do fucking what? Did I say I want it back? I don’t want your bloody money.” Changkyun threw the spoon on the table as he pushed the food away from him.

“I lost all the damn appetite because of you.” He leaped out of the chair.

Hyungwon watched him with a look of what Changkyun realized was a look of betrayal. It was a little too late though.

“Take it back or else.” 

“Or what? Or what, Hyungwon?” Changkyun said louder, his voice hoarse.

“What’s going on?” Jooheon poked his head inside the kitchen.

Jooheon looked at Hyungwon who was furiously biting on his lip, while Changkyun looked like he would blow up any second. 

“Or what Hyungwon?” Changkyun repeated not looking away. 

“You really care nothing for what I have to say or feel.” Hyungwon sighed and left, slightly bumping at Jooheon on the way out. 

“Ohh, zagiya.” Jooheon glanced at the passing by guy but looked back straight at Changkyun as soon as Hyungwon was out of sight.

“What are you doing?” He said pursing his lips.

“Leave me alone, please.” Changkyun said while stomping out the kitchen but Jooheon caught him by the arm.

“You cannot talk like this every time you are upset, he is your hyung.” Jooheon said in a slightly disturbed voice.

Changkyun only glared at him and this time he was gone for good.


	5. Lonely

Hyugwon swang the door open and closed it with a bang, making Hyunwoo turn in surprise as he was drying his hair.

“I am sorry,” Hyungwon apologized as he ran his hand through his hair and went to sit on his bed.

“Are you alright? What got you so worked up?” Hyunwoo arched his left eyebrow.

Hyungwon stayed silent as he locked his hands, put his elbows on his lap, touching his knuckles with his lips, boring a hole into the floor.

Hyunwoo sat opposite to him, slowly continuing to dry his hair.

“It’s Changkyun,” Hyungwon finally spoke. “He is driving me insane.”

“Huh?” Hyunwoo found himself dumbly asking. “I’ve noticed you are prickly towards each other these days, but…” he continued after a pause “You have a good relationship.” He said unsurely. "A really good one," he emphasized.

“I thought so as well,” Hyungwon said. “I am not so sure anymore.” He stood up and found something by his nightstand which Hyunwoo noticed to be a pack of menthols. He wanted to say something but decided not to. 

Hyungwon was walking up the block. He wasn’t sure where he wanted to go in the middle of the night, the wind was strong and he forgot to wear a scarf. After a little thought, he lighted a cigarette and started to stroll towards the convenience store that was open 24/7. 

He tried to free his mind of thoughts but unfortunately, it was in vain. 

Changkyun has been weighing on his mind for a while now. 

Narrow darkness, small darkness, suffocating darkness has been creeping inside his heart for the past months and Hyungwon thought that it finally got into him, poisoned his blood and scarred his heart. 

His mind was getting cloudy, thoughts murky. 

He hasn’t realized he has walked for 15 minutes when he found himself in front of an extremely lightened up shop in the middle of the street.

He haphazardly walked around the shop, he had no slightest idea what he wanted. He walked by the alcohol section when his eyes fell on gin. They didn’t have a schedule tomorrow, they will have to train but they don't have to wake up at dawn. He grabbed a bottle, found tonic picked a couple of lemons, and after paying for another pack of cigarettes he was walking in the home’s direction in slightly higher spirits.

* * *

He heaved a sigh of relief when Hyungwon didn’t find anyone in both the kitchen and living room. He made himself a drink, grabbed the bottle and went to sit on the couch in the living room. 

A couple of drinks later, Hyungwon’s hair was slightly tousled, his feet on the coffee table and his face a little flushed. A depressing, no other word would describe it better music was quietly playing in the background. Hyungwon was getting tipsy but the weight of his chest has not been lifted. 

He felt alone in this big, slightly cold room. Alone, or was it loneliness that he felt? He wasn’t sure.

* * *

Hyungwon's arms were hanging on both sides of the coach, head pulled back, gaze fixated at the ceiling, music boring into his soul.

He was deep in thoughts when he heard someone clearing his throat. It was Changkyun, he didn’t have to turn his head in order to know who it is. He didn’t move, he didn’t want to see the other guy at the moment. He thought by ignoring it the maknae would magically disappear. However, the younger guy cleared his throat once again, this time even louder. Hyungwon had to turn his way.

“Do you need something?” Hyungwon mumbled, eyes fixated on Changkyun.

“Not really,” Changkyun said quietly, he shifted his weight from one leg to another. “Can I sit down?” 

Hyungwon turned his attention back at the ceiling. 

“Suit yourself.”

Changkyun sat next to Hyungwon, the other guy was forced to take his right hand off the armrest.

“Umm” Chankgyun paused for a second “Why are you drinking?”

Hyungwon looked at Changkyun not moving his head this time.

“Just felt like it,” he said. “Why aren’t you sleeping?”

“I couldn’t, I want to apologize.” Changkyun said while running a hand in his hair. 

“What are you apologizing for, Chankgyun-ah?” Changkyun could almost swear Hyungwon quietly laughed.

“I was wrong, I didn’t have to lash at you.” 

“Good.”

“But I won’t accept the money back.”

Hyungwon turned his neck, boring into Chankyuns eyes.

“Don’t look at me like that, we can go eat somewhere expensive. Both of us.” Changkyun peeked at the bottle.

“Can I?” Changkyun looked at Hyungwon who just waved his hand.

Changkyun went to pick another glass and some ice, only to sit even closer to Hyungwon. Hyungwon was leaning against the couch on his right side, silently watching Changkyun who was sipping on his drink.

“What are you thinking about?” Changkyun looked right at Hyungwon.

“You,” he breathed out.

Changkyun gulped.

“W-what do you mean?” 

“You’ve been struggling with me. Do you think I am a fool?” Hyungwon’s voice was peaceful.

“Hyungwon?”

“We trapped each other inside our misunderstandings. I wonder if it will get better. Will it get any better if we return to being only colleagues, Changkyun-ah?” Hyungwon kept on mumbling.

“I don’t.” Changkyun gulped. “I don’t want us to be only colleagues, you are so much more than that.” He felt himself gulping again.

Hyungwon slowly blinked. 

“I am a baggage, Changkyun-ah.”

“Who told you so? Of course, you are not.”

Hyungwon closed his eyes, while Changkyun kept on staring at the taller guy.

“You.” He chuckled “The way you behave around me, the way you treat me. It hurts.”

“I am sorry, I-,” Hyungwon heard Changkyun mumble. 

“Don’t.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My lethargy decided to jump out at the most unnecessary moment. I wasn't planning on making the story extremely sad but here I am. 
> 
> Five chapters in and no romance whatsoever, huh! I am sorry but don't worry, I wanted to create some space for people's "imagination" so it will go a little smoother from now on...hopefully.


	6. Stay with me

“I should be the one asking for forgiveness," he muttered with his eyes closed.

“You’re talking riddles, Hyungwon. Can you elaborate? It’s hard to understand what’s inside your heart when you do not give me anything to work with.”

Hyungwon lazily opened his eyes, smoothly shifted his gaze from Changkyun’s lap up to his face. The younger guy seemed restless.

“Is this why your love cooled off? Is it because I don’t talk much?” Hyungwon sadly smiled.

“What?”

“Min once said that you’re tired of me because I don’t make any efforts in this relationship.” His gaze fell on Changkyun’s hand, he desperately wanted to hold it.

“You’re wrong.” 

Huyngwon looked up.

“Am I?"

“Yeah, you aren’t wrong about me being upset though.” Hyungwon saw Changkyun troubling his lower lip. “…but I am way past the point of turning.”

The taller raised his left eyebrow. Now he was really at the sea. He looked quizzically at Changkyun and after what seemed forever snorted. “You aren’t better than me, Changkyun-ah. I have no idea what you are talking about.” 

“It means I don’t want to let you go.”

“I am not going to run away, we are stuck together.” The older guy drowsily smiled and turned on his back, slowly blinking at the ceiling. 

“I know,” Changkyun continued “…but I don’t want boundaries on our friendship. Don’t do this to me. Talk to me.” Changkyun’s voice gave away a silent note of despair.

Hyungwon turned his neck almost immediately, a motion awakening his senses from some sort of drunken slumber. 

“Hey,” he whispered while looking at Changkyun whose eyes were already fixated on him.

“I am sorry,” he whispered and after a brief thought held Changkyun’s hand he was eyeing a few moments ago, the one he was now gripping as if it’s his lifeboat.

“I am sorry,” he finally straightened up and tightened the grip with both of his hands. 

Changkyun watched his hand turning slightly white.

“I-, I never wanted to let you go, but you’ve been cold and snappy, it turned my blood into poison. I am sorry.” Changkyun looked up. Hyungwon’s glassy eyes were boring into his soul.

The older guy loosed the grip and Changkyun could feel Hyungwon’s hand brushing some strand hair away from his face.

Changkyun gulped.

“I like you so much,” he could hear the other guy utter. It brought the memories of one of the fan cons they did. He said exact same words. Was it a year ago? Maybe two? He couldn’t remember. The only thing he knew is that back then it didn’t feel like a love confession. But now it did. Maybe he just wanted it to be one. However, he disregarded the thought immediately, it was impossible. He brushed off the momentary feeling of what he thought was happiness and whispered the exact same words- “I like you too,” but with a faint hint of resignation and disappointment. He was indeed disappointed in himself. 

Little did he know that the taller guy was serious.

Little did he know that their love held the same meaning.

Little did he know Hyungwon almost cried out loud at the words he would die to hear under different circumstances but here he was, the exact words piercing through his heart making an invisible hole for others impossibly to see, but making a collateral damage to his own soul as Hyungwon watched Changkyun’s distant face lacking sincerity as they were said out loud.

“It’s clear as a day he doesn’t share the same feelings as I do.” Hyungwon thought to himself. Disappointment and a strong wind of internal darkness rushed through his veins. “I knew it. I knew it all along. Stop being greedy. He likes you as a person. It must be enough.”

He had an urge to slap himself but his left hand was still holding Changkyun’s and his right one was now chaotically running through Changkyun’s hair. 

At this moment Hyungwon thought he looked like a cat. Moreover, he must be hallucinating because he thought that Changkyun was leaning into the touch of his hand.

He felt a bucket of invisible, cold water being poured over his head. Was he bipolar? Is this why his mood was switching with a speed of lightning?

“Fuck it,” he hardly heard himself mumble and clasped Changkyun into his arms. He intertwined his right hand over Changkyun’s neck making the shorter guy’s head fall into his crook of the neck, his left hand resting on maknae’s back.

After a moment or two, Hyungwon felt the younger guy’s body finally relax. He sighed, his breath on Hyungwon’s neck. Hyungwon felt a tingling feeling rushing though his entire body.

“I like you,” echoed in now completely silent room. Music had stopped playing a while ago.

This time around Hyungwon was filled with a different palette of feelings.

Yes, he was bipolar he thought, or crazy.

Yes, he was mad.

Mad, mad.

“I like you,” Hyungwon whispered.

Changkyun felt the taller guy’s lips against his hair and earlobe.

He wanted this moment to last forever.

Both of them wanted this moment to last forever.

“What’s going on?” the voice echoed from the hall.


	7. Slow

In the doorway at the back of the room, both of them could make out a familiar figure.

Minhyuk was standing still – yawning while scratching his abdomen area under his T-shirt.

Hyungwon was slowly blinking at the guy while Changkyun jerked, hitting Hyungwon right in the chin in the process. The taller guy groaned.

“Ugh,” Hyungwon brought his hand to the mouth.

“Did you bite on your tongue?” Minhyuk approached Hyungwon and took his chin in his left hand.

“Open your mouth,” Minhyuk zoomed on a taller guy’s face.

Hyungwon stuck his tongue out, it was bleeding. It made Minhyuk laugh.

“Changkyun, you’ve got a strong scull,” he straightened up and started to scratch the back of his head.

“I am fine,” Hyungwon said while tracing a tongue over his lower lip.

“Are you sure?” The shorter guy looked guilty.

Hyungwon didn’t say anything. He slightly turned at Changkyun’s direction and nodded while pinching the maknae’s cheek.

Minhyuk snorted which brought Hyungwon’s attention. He turned to look at his friend. He didn’t notice how Changkyun touched the area he pinched a second ago.

“What is it? Is he blushing?” Minhyuk thought to himself but turned his attention back to Hyungwon who was staring at him.

“Both of you are so damn weird. You fight one moment, look all lovey-dovey another one.” Minhyuk smiled. “Make up your mind, guys. The next time I see you arguing you will have to talk with Hyunwoo.”

Hyungwon raised his left eyebrow as if to say “So what.”

“…and Kihyun.” Minhyuk finished.

Hyungwon grimaced.

It was one part of the problem if it was only Hyunwoo who was rather neutral and cold-blooded considering any difficulties their band struggled with, but it was a totally different case if Kihyun was involved. It was a fiery duo. Kihyun, who was sensitive and easy to get agitated. And Hyunwoo, who tried to calm down not only the source of the problem but the troublesome tendencies of the main vocalist on top of it. 

It was an unspoken rule.

Unless you want to experience what a “family therapy” including all the nagging is, it is better the members resolved their issues before it was necessary.

“You’re cruel, hyung.” Changkyun muttered.

Minhyuk only smiled.

“I am beat, I am going to bed.” The maknae slid off the couch and lazily looked at the other two one by one.

“Go ahead, I will have a word with Won.” Minhyuk said while sitting next to the said guy.

Changkyun’s eyes found Hyungwon’s. The taller guy stared back for at least ten seconds and Changkyun felt himself tensing up.

“Good night, Changkyunnie,” his voice was soft but his gaze burning youngster's skin. He swallowed.

“ Night, Hyungwon-ah” and then he was gone.

“Did you make up?” Minhyuk was eyeing Hyungwon whose gaze was fixated on the doorway.

“Yeah,” he sighed as he ran his fingers through his hair.

Minhyuk zoomed on Hyungwon, the taller guy could feel the other’s breath.

“Get away from me,” Hyungwon pushed his friend away with a quiet groan.

Minhyuk mischievously grinned. 

“Changkyun was plastered all over you and you didn’t seem to mind.”

“So?”

“I just know you’re extremely cautious when it comes to skinship,” he broadly smiled.

“Am I that transparent? Did he find out? Am I screwed?” Hyungwon was trying to come up with something plausible.

“I don’t want to see both of you fight anymore. It was painful to watch.” Minhyuk patted the taller guy on the shoulder and leaped to his feet shortly after.

Hyungwon found himself sighing in relief.

“Go to bed, Won. You reek of gin.” The older guy said walking away.

“Min!” Hyungwon called out.

The other guy turned around slightly jerking his chin.

“Thanks,” Hyungwon mumbled with the faintest smile.

Minhyuk winked and then he was gone.

Hyungwon looked at his hands – a lingering feeling of Changkyun’s hair and back was still there.

He thickly swallowed.


	8. The bus pt.1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year and welcome to the new decade.

Hyungwon woke up because someone was shaking him. He stared into the white of the bedroom. 

“A nightmare?” The voice that sounded nearby was calm and warm.

Hyungwon turned at the voice’s direction. His brown eyes studied him. It was Jooheon.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Hyungwon rubbed his eyes.

“It’s 9AM, we are going to have breakfast outside. Come to the studio when you’re ready.” Jooheon whispered with a smile.

Hyungwon stretched with a yawn.

“Okay,” he turned on his side with a catty smile. 

“Oi, don’t fall asleep again Hyungwon-ah. I know you.” Jooheon gently slammed his own pillow on the taller guy and left the room.

Hyungwon was staring at the ceiling for a while. What is it that he dreamed about? He couldn’t remember. 

He leisurely stood up and went to the bathroom.

“Oh,” both of the guys thought to themselves.

“I thought I am the only one left,” Hyungwon said a little quizzically.

“So did I,” Changkyun chuckled. “I will be done in a second.” The younger guy said while splashing water on his face.

Hyungwon stared. He liked what he saw.

“Do you want to have breakfast together?” Hyungwon said while leaning against the doorframe, biting on his left thumb. He pushed aside the thoughts that it’s him being greedy. They are friends, right?

“Aren’t we late?” Changkyun said without turning Hyungwon’s way.

“Well, Jooheon said they are going to eat first as well. I think we have some time. That is if you want to.” Hyungwon said now picking on the skin around his nail.

“I would love to.” The shorter guy smiled to himself.

* * *

“Do you want to take a bus?” Changkyun heard as both of the guys were putting their shoes on.

“W-what? A b-bus?” Changkyun heard himself stutter.

“Yeah.”

“Okay?” Changkyun said after a while. It’s been ages since he took a bus the last time.

* * *

Both of them sat at the end of a half-empty bus. It will take them 50 minutes to get to the company. 

“Not as bad as I thought,” Changkyun mumbled to himself.

He looked at Hyungwon’s profile. 

The other guy started to doze off as soon as they took off. He watched Hyungwon’s eyes slowly close and then abruptly open every time the bus stopped. In the end, sleep prevailed over his consciousness. Hyungwon’s head hit the window and this time he didn’t budge.

Changkyun’s insides swell, became warmer.

“Is this how couples feel like? A casual ride by bus can be so much more.” Changkyun thought to himself while putting Hyungwon’s head on his shoulder - a semi-sweet, semi-devilish smile plastered on his face.

Changkyun was stealing glances at Hyungwon’s sleeping face. He then switched his attention towards the taller guy’s hands. He slowly started to probe his left one. Touching it ever so gently, as if trying to figure out if the dough has risen up enough. He then started to caress it lightly, carefully. 

It increased Changkyun’s heart rate as a consequence of excitement that it released a whole load of happy chemicals that you could become addicted to. 

Changkyun was indeed addicted to Hyungwon.


	9. The bus pt.2, Lost in the dream

“Changkyun!” Hyungwon screams but the maknae leaves him in the pitch-black room, taking all the light with him.

* * *

“Changkyun,” Hyungwon finds himself holding the younger guy’s hands, he watches as they are slapped away in slow motion.

“W-what?” He looks at Changkyun, utter disgust is written all over his face.

“What did you say? Did you say you love me?” Hyungwon finds himself gulping and the younger guy vanishes into the thin air. Hyungwon is left in the dark yet again.

* * *

“Changkyun, I love you.” Hyungwon found himself blurting out and immediately covers his mouth. 

“Why did he say it out loud?” he thought.

Changkyun doesn’t show any repulsiveness this time and Hyungwon sighs in relief. He sees Hoseok passing by and Changkyun yells- 

“Hoseok hyung, Hyungwon-ah said he loves me. He said he is interested in me romantically” and they both laugh out loud. The laughter is unbearably loud and both of their faces loom on Hyungwon until they vanish into the air.

Hyungwon was left on the couch in the endless darkness.

He buries his face in his hands.

He cannot take it anymore.

It’s a nightmare.

He is dreaming.

He knows that he is dreaming but he cannot wake up.

He knows he is dreaming but he cannot escape from it.

He cannot escape from this tormenting feeling.

He feels helpless.

He wants to cry but he cannot.

The only couple of times he found himself waking up with wet cheeks were genuine nightmares. This one was an unpleasant dream for his heart, not mind. He couldn’t decide which one was worse.

* * *

He stood up and started to run. 

He ran until he ran into Changkyun who was eating by the table. 

“What is it? Is it their first dorm?” Hyungwon thought while addressing the younger guy.

“Changkyun-ah,” Hyungwon said panting.

“Oh, hyung!” The shorter guy turned around smiling at him.

Hyungwon found himself relax. 

“Maybe it’s not a nightmare anymore” crossed his mind.

“Are you alright, hyung?” Changkyun wrapped his fingers around Hyungwon’s waist, his head buried in the elder’s chest.

Hyungwon reveled in happiness. He finally breathed out a sigh of relief. 

The next couple of days or what seemed like it, they stayed inside the dorm doing nothing in particular. They watched movies, cooked or just cuddled. He thought he was content. The happiness didn’t last long.

He found himself eavesdrop on Changkyun: 

“Hyung, when will you come? He is creepy. I don’t like being with him alone.” 

. . .

“Really? I am so glad you will be back. I know he is my hyung but I will never like him. I am disgusted just by thinking I have to tolerate him being next to me.”

Hyungwon’s heart clenched. Changkyun’s conversation was getting further and quieter until he couldn’t hear it anymore.

“Enough,” he started to yell inside his mind. 

“Enough! I get it.” He yelled into the darkness.

Everything had been cold and dark, all his impressions somehow dulled. As if he was deeply immersed in water.

It had been wonderfully quiet. 

He wasn’t sure how long it lasted because he heard Changkyun’s voice again and it hurt, he wanted to neither see nor hear him. He wanted to burn all of the memories of the younger guy. 

He wanted to feel nothing. To empty himself but he couldn't, the younger’s voice was even louder. As he finally opens his eyes he immediately squints and holds on his head. He felt as if someone had emptied a bucket of ice-cold water over him. He was shivering.

* * *

“Hyungwon, are you alright?” Hyungwon hears and he finds himself swallow thickly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...my chapters somehow shrank. LOL
> 
> Sorry about it, I wanted them longer but on the other hand I do not want them too long.
> 
> Let me know if it is bothersome tho. I will try to keep it under control after the final "bus" chapter but you never know. haha


	10. The bus pt3, Stay here

“… are you alright?”

Hyungwon opened his eyes and a pair of dark ones was observing him. He harshly sighed and readjusted himself in the seat, his left hand being gripped.  
Hyungwon looked at it for a while, catching his breath.

“Hyungwon?” Changkyun asked in a half-whisper.

“Sorry, I think I had a nightmare.”

“Yeah, I understood that much. Was it that bad?”

“I don’t know, I can’t remember.” He didn’t lie. He couldn’t. 

“O-okay.”

Hyungwon leaned on Changkyun’s shoulder and wrapped his left hand, Changkyun’s still in his, around the youngster’s waist under the unzipped jacket.

He felt immediate warmth.

“Hyungwon-ah, it’s uncomfortable,” Changkyun whined.

“Bear with me for a second,” he breathed down his neck and Changkyun both stiffened and relaxed at the same time. The taller guy nuzzled in the maknae even more, making himself comfortable.

Changkyun snorted with a burst of brief laughter. 

“Whattt?” Hyungwon asked in the habitual way, clenching Changkyun’s hand even more, embracing his waist even tighter.

“Nah, it’s that you are just like Minhyuk hyung.”

“Am not!” Hyungwon protested with a pout.

“Sure, whatever you say.”

“I wouldn’t dare to cling to him, he would choke me, and you’re different.”

“Because I wouldn’t choke you?” Changkyun asked with a smirk.

“Nah, you’re just different. Minnyugga was even brighter when we were younger. Can you imagine how much I suffered until he switched his attention to you and zagiya?”

“Are you saying I am cold?”

“No, I am saying that I love you the way you are. You are just enough and right for me.” Hyungwon’s breath was lingering on the maknae’s neck but he tried to concentrate on the conversation.

“I am sorry,” Hyungwon said before he could even reply.

“What for?”

“For ignoring you during Chinese New Year. It was selfish of me. I-“

“It’s okay, I already forg…”

“No.” Hyungwon interrupted.

“No, it was wrong of me. I-, I-, I just needed some space. Some alone time with my family.”

Changkyun didn’t say anything.

“Don’t misunderstand, you are not tiring me. Neither of the members does. It’s just me. It’s just my personality.”

Changkyun nodded. “Yeah, I know what you mean.”

“I hope so, because you aren’t much better than me.” Hyungwon chuckled and Changkyun wanted to hit him with an invisible spoon but decided to think of something else.

“Oh,” he exclaimed “What about the nightmare? Are you sure you don’t remember? You are someone who falls dead into a sleeping coma. I was surprised.”

“I don’t know, Changkyun-ah. I don’t remember being scared. It’s just…my heart ached. It was dark and cold in there. The lingering feeling of hopelessness is still there.”

“Hmm,” Changkyun said lingering on the ‘m’ forever.

“I am fine; I tend to have delirious dreams after drinking too much.”

“Did you sleep well, Changkyun-ah?” He clenched the youngster’s fingers.

“I did, actually I was dead asleep until Minhyuk woke me up.”

“Good,” Hyungwon hummed. “I wish we didn’t have to practice today. I wish I could drive around the city with you today.”

“Yeah, me too.” Changkyun half looked at Hyungwon’s top of the head. “Me too,” he whispered once again.

The rest of the ride they spent in comfortable silence.


	11. Jealousy pt.1

“Where do you want to eat?” Hyungwon asked as he was putting his hands into the pockets of his long padded coat.

Changkyun looked around the area. The bus stop they hopped off was two blocks from the company. 

“I don’t want to go to one of our usual spots,” the maknae mumbled while zipping his jacket.

“You are reading my mind,” Hyungwon turned to smile at the younger guy. 

Changkyun didn’t see him smile because half of his face was covered with a scarf but he knew he was. His crescent eyes were proof of it. 

“Come,” the taller guy signaled and started to stride in a different direction of the company building, taking slow but confident and big steps. Changkyun watched him for a second and then ran after him.

They walked another two blocks in silence. The rapper was stealing glances at Hyungwon from time to time. The other guy looked more concentrated than he is supposed to.

“Hey!” Hyungwon abruptly stopped while someone almost bumped into him from behind.

“What are you doing?” Changkyun asked while tugging his bandmate to the less rushed part of the pavement.

“I actually forgot to ask you what you wanted to eat,” Hyungwon looked at the younger guy with bewildered, almost hurt look in the eye which didn’t make sense to Changkyun. Nevertheless, he laughed at the confession.

“I don’t care, Hyungwon.” He chuckled, showing his dimples. “What do you want to eat?”

“I was thinking to try this new place. They are supposed to serve good Nak-Gop-Sae.”

Changkyun’s face lightened up with both surprise and pleasure. 

“I love Nak-Gop-Sae,” he replied.

“Yeah, I guess you said it before. Then it’s a deal, let’s go. It should be around the corner if we didn’t take a wrong turn.” Hyungwon’s speech trailed off as he started off. 

He would see Hyungwon's coy beam if he looked at the older guy at that exact moment, however, he did not. He was busy indulging inside his own mind.

“Am I dreaming?” Changkyun thought while being glued to a spot, smiling to himself for the shortest moment. 

Yet that momentary piece of happiness vanished as fast as it appeared. As he was catching up with a taller guy again, he got a glimpse of two schoolgirls who looked like they were love-struck – standing there, jaws dropped to the floors, whispering, discussing how cool Hyungwon is (at least that's what Changkyun was guessing ) in high pitched annoying voices. He hated the idea of it. 

He caught up with Hyungwon and almost had an urge to turn around and stick his tongue out. He probably was dreaming. Otherwise, he didn’t have an explanation for his abrupt childishness.

* * *

“This looks good,” Changkyun exclaimed watching their food arrive. Finally, the tension inside his heart disappeared.

“Eat well,” a lady in her 50s said. 

“Especially you, young man.” She pointed at Hyungwon. “You are sickly thin.” She smiled and went to serve other customers.

Changkyun could see Hyungwon blush. He didn’t see his cheeks turn physically pink but he noticed he tends to cover his mouth and look to the left, exactly what he was doing right now.

“Chill, she meant no bad intentions,” Changkyun said while putting a spoonful of food behind his cheek.

Hyungwon fixed him with an annoyed look but didn’t say anything. After a moment that lasted longer than necessary, he broke their eye contact and looked down at the food while picking chopsticks.

“Is it any good?” he asked while fishing for a shrimp in a pot.

“It’s amazing,” Changkyun said a note higher, mouth full of food.

“Chew your food thoroughly,” Hyungwon laughed while throwing a shrimp inside his mouth.

“Mmm,” Hyungown hummed “You’re right. It’s good.” He said a moment later and they continued to eat in content quiet of utensil sounds until Hyungwon's phone buzzed. 

"Who is it?" Changkyun wondered as Hyungwon was smiling at his phone.

"It's Hoseok, he is pouting we didn't invite him." He chuckled while bringing a hand to his face. "Sometimes he is just like a teenager." 

"But they went to eat," Changkyun said quizzically.

"He wanted to come to this place. I mentioned it before."

"Only the two of you?" Maknae raised his left eyebrow.

"Hmm?" Hyungwon put his phone aside. "Sorry, what did you say?"

"Nothing," mumbled Changkyun while watching outside the window.

The feeling that he had earlier as he was watching two girls in awe came back. No. Delete. This time it struck him with double force because it was someone he knew. Because it was Hoseok. Hoseok is different from any stranger. He thought something must be really wrong with him. 

"Was he jeal..?" But before he could finish his thought a hand touched him by the shoulder.

"Come on, we should keep on going." Hyungwon was standing right next to him. He somehow managed to put his coat and scarf on. How long was he out of it?

"Did you pay?" Changkyun blinked at him, clearly surprised by the situation he found himself in.

"So now you know what spacing out means, hah?" The taller guy put his face right in front of maknae's, grinning behind the scarf, showing off his moon-shaped sparkly eyes. 

Changkyun wanted to scream but decided not to. 

He picked his jacket and both of them left the restaurant after saying goodbye. He can think of the hideous feeling that was creeping on his mind later. 

He decided to cherish these moments no matter how brief they are.


	12. Jealousy pt.2

It was two o'clock in the morning and the winter night was in the darkest.

Five out of seven members exited the company building. Jooheon put his hands inside the pockets while Kihyun nuzzled into his scarf.

“Do you think they will be alright?” Hyunwoo wondered while placing an order on Uber app.

“They better patch things up or both of them is dead meat,” Minhyuk said while exasperatedly breathing out.

* * *

~Hours earlier~ 

“How was your date?” Hoseok asked without turning around. He saw both Changkyun and Hyungwon walk in the practice room.

“It was great, thank you,” Hyungwon answered without a second thought.

“You took too long.” It was Hyunwoo. “Warm up your bodies and join us.” He added and turned on the music. 

Hyungwon and Changkyun looked at each other and shrugged. After changing into their gym clothes and warming up on their own while giggling from occasional mimicking members they finally blended with the rest.

* * *

“You are not doing it right,” Hoseok whined while facing Hyungwon and tracing his hands down the taller guy’s torso. “Make it a wave, not a zigzag.”

“Hoseok, are you aware of the fact that I remember the moves better than any of you do?” He said while pushing his long, wet hair behind, cheeks of a beetroot color. 

Hoseok snorted. “Yeah, but you are the first to forget them as well.”

“We’ve been on it for hours. Of course my graceful body will get a little dull. You had to watch me at the very beginning. I was doing a good job back then.” He said in a coy way.

“I did.”

Hyungwon laughed. 

“You are one busy lad.” He pushed Hoseok in the shoulder as they continued to chat while touching each other casually.

“They touch each other too carelessly.” Changkyun thought to himself. He has been sitting on the bench, watching the two of them closely for a while now.

“What the heck is going on?” He thought.

“We aren’t anything to each other so what is this?”

“Why does he keep getting on my nerves?”

“Jealousy,” he finally accepted.

“Great,” his level of delusions reached a whole new stage. 

Changkyun wasn’t sure whether he was supposed to laugh or cry.

At that moment he thought he could be jealous of anything.

If Hyungwon was outside, he would be jealous of the wind that ruffles his hair.

He would be jealous of the sun that kisses his cheeks.

He would be jealous of the people who give him a second look.

He would be jealous of everything and everyone.

But it’s only seven of them.

It’s been seven of them for years now.

And Changkyun finds himself being jealous of them the most.

He is jealous of Hoseok who playfully hits Hyungwon.

He is jealous of Hyunwoo who smiles at him and is immediately responded by Hyungwon’s sweet one.

He is jealous of Jooheon who gets all the attention Hyungwon is ready to give him.

He is jealous of Kihyun who gets to see a more serious side of Hyungwon.

He is jealous of Minhyuk who might actually annoy Hyungwon with all his affection. Nevertheless, the mere thought of them knowing each other years prior to their debut makes him feel jealous.

Jealous, jealous, jealous.

He can’t help it.

He doesn’t like the way the taller guy looks at the others.

It gives him the idea he wants them too.

Changkyun is not in a state of a clear mind.

* * *

Hours of Changkyun’s torture were coming to an end. 

They would wrap things up and go home. 

“Finally, finally!” He thought. “Finally he can go home and try to wash this feeling off.”

“Hey, are you alright?” Changkyun was forced out of his trance.


	13. Jealousy pt.3

“Hey, are you alright?” Changkyun was forced out of his trance.

Hyungwon was standing in front of him, a bottle of water in his hand.

“Do you want some?” He extended his hand while sitting next to him on the floor, brushing his hair off his face shortly after.

Changkyun was about to combust.

He took the bottle and finished it in three big gulps.

Hyungwon didn’t say anything but Changkyun saw it in the mirror wall - he was faintly smiling.

“What’s wrong with you?” Hyungwon said with his head pulled back against the wall, eyes closed.

“Nothing,” mumbled the younger guy staring at the mirror, his gaze fixated on the taller one.

Hyungwon hummed.

“I’ve got some water left, anyone?” Hoseok asked and Hyungwon snapped his eyes open. 

“Me,” he raised his hand. 

It was one of Hyungwon’s funny habits, the maknae thought. He raised his hand as if he was a highschooler. He found this part of him adorable and small things like these kept him pacified. 

Nevertheless, the feeling of calmness disappeared as soon as it appeared because now he was filled with the prior emotion – jealousy. However, he wasn’t so sure anymore. Maybe he was simply raging.

Changkyun watched as Hoseok took a gulp of water and passed it to Hyungwon who took the bottle and finished it. 

The rapper didn’t know where to concentrate more - on his lips and the top of the bottle Hoseok touched a second ago or his Adam’s apple that was moving up and down.

Changkyun felt awful.

At some point, he started to think Hyungwon did it on purpose. 

Changkyun thought of Hyungwon as someone who is able to bewitch people so that all they can think about is him. 

"Was he teasing Changkyun, making fun of him and his own feelings?

Did he want him to fall into this abyss of despair completely?

 _No, no, no._ Hyungwon wouldn’t do this.

He is not that kind of person.

Then what is it?

Changkyun tried to make his brain work but it was on overdrive. 

No, he just hated to see Hyungwon with someone else.

No. Delete. He hated to see Hyungwon with anyone. 

Did he finally lose his mind?

Hyungwon is not aware of his feelings.

 _Wait_ , Hyungwon doesn’t have any feelings towards him.

What is he even thinking about?

He has been destroying himself for half of the day even though the other party does not care."

Changkyun’s heart dropped to his feet. A cold feeling of gloom rushed through his body. 

He was happy in the morning and utterly broken by the evening.

He wanted to cry out of all the misery that accumulated inside his heart.

* * *

“Changkyunnie?” He heard a soft voice next to his left ear. He saw how close Hyungwon leaned into his ear.

“It’s nothing,” a whisper came as a reply. His heart almost stopped beating. He was waiting for the reaction in the mirror. 

Hyungwon stayed still. He silently watched Hyungwon’s profile and then as he heaved a sigh.

“You don’t have to act like you are fine, Changkyun. You don’t look fine to me. It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it with me but please speak to someone about your troubles.” The taller guy murmured into his ear and turned back to his original seat, weirdly enough finding Changkyun’s gaze in the mirror right away. 

Changkyun’s half dropped jaw found its way to its original place as something snapped inside his mind.

“What do you know?” He said clear and loud. 

The rest of the members turned in surprise.

“What the hell do you know if I am fine or not?” He was now at a level of a mild scream.

“What the hell do you even know about me or my feelings?” Changkyun yelled at the top of his lungs while standing up, Hyungwon leaping on his feet right after.

The room was silent for a long and uncomfortable moment. 

Changkyun was gawking at Hyungwon, who tried to find words to say. The rest were glued to their spots, confused.

Hoseok’s snickers made a squeaking sound as he turned to look straight at Changkyun and before he could say anything, Changkyun yelled at the elder’s direction “What is it?”

Hyungwon’s eyes were trained on Changkyun.

“Leave,” he softly spoke.

“I said, leave!” And now Changkyun’s attention was back on Hyungwon. He rolled his eyes and was ready to turn on his heel when Hyungwon grabbed him by the wrist.

“Not you, the rest.” He was staring intensely and Changkyun found himself gulping. 

“He fucked up, a big time.”

“Are you sure you will be alright?” Hyunwoo asked while picking his sports bag and passing by the two of them.

Hyungwon nodded, taking his neither eyes nor his hand off of Changkyun.

“Don’t fight too much,” Kihyun whispered and the five of them were gone.


	14. Let me love you

“What’s wrong with you? You were okay in the morning. What made you so upset?” Hyungwon said as soon as the door was closed.

Changkyun harshly sighed as he tore himself loose and put his hands on his hips, turning his back to Hyungwon. 

Hyungwon was patient, he watched Changkyun make a circle in the studio. He watched him stop, his head down, his left hand covering his face. 

“Changkyun.” Hyungwon made a couple of soundless steps and wanted to touch the maknae by his shoulder but his hand was slapped away.

Changkyun looked up, a mix of anger and annoyance was reflected in his eyes. 

Totally opposite of what he could read in Hyungwon’s. He saw the flash of pain dart across the elder's face. 

The maknae’s heart sank. He could feel the way it stopped beating, the way it wanted its way out through his throat.

Hyungwon stared for as long as he could go without blinking. He then closed his eyes and his gaze did not return to Changkyun. He was looking to his left.

Changkyun stared at his profile while Hyungwon’s eyes were fixated on one spot.

He started to trouble his lower lip.

“I love you, I love you, I love you but I cannot have you.

I love you, I love you, I love you but I keep on losing you.” Changkyun thought.

“Jealousy,” Changkyun finally said loudly enough only for the other guy to hear and Hyungwon immediately turned to look at the maknae.

“What?” He said quizzically.

“Yeah, I know it must be confusing for you but I couldn’t help it. It won’t happen again so now if you excuse me.” Changkyun wanted to turn around but Hyungwon grabbed his hand. Harshly, forcefully. It was different from any times Changkyun could remember. He was never this urgent before.

“Who are you jealous of?” Hyungwon’s eyes darker than black.

“It doesn’t matter,” Changkyun wanted to free himself but Hyungwon didn’t let go.

“It does,” he tried not to hiss. “Who is it? Is it Hoseok? Maybe, just maybe" He said unsurely "Can it be me?” He leaned towards Changkyun’s face but the younger guy immediately turned away.

“Hah,” Hyungwon snorted with a brief laughter.

“I understand, it must be Hoseok then. Why would you be jealous of me if you treat me as if I am disease you try to get rid of most of the times?” Hyungwon said mockingly.

Changkyun turned to look at Hyungwon, meaning to say what kind of nonsense he is spurring but Hyungwon outran him.

“In that case, let me give you a gift from hell,” He shoved maknae until the other one hit the mirror wall. He was looking down on him, a sharp look returned to his eyes. Changkyun swallowed.

“W-what?” he whispered as Hyungwon was boring into his soul, biting on his lower lip. He looked serious.

“Let me go, Hyungwon. I am going home.” But Hyungwon pushed him up the wall even harder.

“No,” the only thing Hyungwon said and Changkyun felt his heart beating hard in his chest as his mouth went dry.

Both of their breaths were irregular. It was getting hotter. The way Hyungwon was watching Changkyun made him feel all sorts of ways.

And as Hyungwon leaned closer his scent came as a shock to Changkyun. Maybe it was a surprise at a sudden intimacy.

“Are you flustered?” Hyungwon whispered into Changkyun’s ear. “Your face is flushed.”

“L-look who is talking,” he said half whispering “You don’t look any better.”

He heard Hyungwon snort and a moment later they were back to looking at each other.

“Why aren’t you pushing me away?” Hyungwon spoke softly.

Changkyun made no reply but felt his Adam’s apple reply on his behalf.

“I am turning into a monster, Changkyun-ah.” He felt Hyungwon’s lips touching his earlobe.

“You better run away and hide,” he dragged his lips down his neck and Changkyun was ready to explode from all the tension.

Something was whispering inside Changkyun’s mind. The voice of whether to jump down the hole and follow the rabbit. Whether to take a step into the unknown or stay here, in the normal world. The choice has to be made here and now.

Too late.

He was mad for a long time now.

“Just fucking do it,” Changkyun found himself muttering.

The next moment Hyungwon’s lips found Changkyun’s. 

He kissed him lavishly, hungrily, deeply. He kissed him like he meant it.

_Game over._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope the reference to Alice in Wonderland was more or less understandable~


	15. Into you

They were kissing like crazy. Like their life depended on it. 

Their hearts beat faster, faster, faster.

Changkyun knotted his fists in Hyungwon‘s hoodie, pulling him harder against him. 

Hyungwon’s fingers pulled his hair, gripped him closer. 

Their kiss is both gentle and demanding.

Their kiss is both hot and cold, a shudder going through their bodies.

Hyungwon hasn’t wanted anyone like this before. Ever.

He pulled back.

They looked at each other catching their breaths. 

Changkyun raised both of his eyebrows, a cunning look in his eyes. 

Hyungwon foolishly, barely noticeably smiled and the next moment he was kissing him full on the mouth again. 

He pulled Changkyun up by his waist onto his tiptoes.

He wanted to feel him. 

He wanted to feel all of him against his own body. 

He wanted to inhale his shampoo and perfume. 

He wanted to inhale his scent. 

He wanted to breathe him.

He wanted to touch him everywhere his hands could reach.

He wanted to kiss him, lick him, eat him. 

_Heck_ , he felt like he would devour him if he could.

He never felt like this before.

He never thought he would feel like this.

As more time was passing by, their kiss was getting slower, gentler, and more meaningful. 

Hyungwon’s hands were still buried in Changkyun’s hair.

“Nngh,” mumbled Changkyun.

“Mmm?” Hyungwon hummed into the kiss.

“Hyungwon,” Changkyun broke the kiss and turned to the left. 

It didn’t stop Hyungwon though. He smoothly ran his lips down Changkyun’s neck, making the younger guy shiver.

“Say it again,” he whispered in a raspy and somehow sleepy voice.

“Say what?” Changkyun leaned against the mirror wall, sighing in pleasure.

“Say it, say my name.”

“Hyungwon.”

And Hyungwon started to make eights on Changkyun’s neck with his tongue.

“Hyungwon.”

And Hyungwon started to nip on Changkyun’s earlobe with his teeth.

“Hyungwon.” Changkyun found himself breathing out.

And Hyungwon locked his lips on Changkyun’s.

He dragged his tongue over his lower lip and pulled away. 

His half-closed, heavy eyes were boring into Changkyun’s.

For a while they were just standing there, looking at each other.

Hyungwon tore his gaze and switched his attention to maknae's lips. 

He laid his thumb on them to see if he would pull away. He didn’t.

“You know…,” he said while tracing his thumb over Changkyun’s lower lip.

“I suppose it wasn’t about Hoseok then,” Hyungwon chuckled. His attention was still on the younger's lips.

“Why do you always have to be such a turn-off, Hyungwon?” He heard Changkyun heave a sigh, but he was smiling.

“I love you,” Changkyun half-whispered and Hyungwon looked at him for the briefest moment and then switched his attention back to his lips, tracing them ever so gently.

“You don’t know me,” Hyungwon said smirking. 

“I want to though,” Changkyun said disappointedly but Hyungwon continued.

“However, I am in love with you, Changkyun.” He started to brush his hair behind the ears. “I cannot deny myself in the pleasure of saying these words out loud.” He leaned to whisper them into his ear.

“I am in love with you and I want you to know it.” 

“I am in love with you but this relationship might be doomed.”

“But I am in love with you and I want you to know about my feelings.” Hyungwon brushed his lips against Changkyun’s ear and returned to his previous position – standing straight, waiting for the other guy’s reaction.

Changkyun watched him, blinked at him and then let out a burst of brief laughter. "You're such a depressing fool."

He flung his arms around Hyungwon’s neck and kissed him full on the mouth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why but this chapter sucked the soul out of me.
> 
> I hope I didn't "f" it up too much~


	16. Only time

Changkyun pulled away. His hands wrapped around Hyungwon’s neck, his eyes crossed on the guy opposite to him.

“We should go home,” Hyungwon leaned to whisper into Changkyun’s ear.

“Are you sure?” The maknae breathed out into the taller guy’s neck, rubbing into Hyungwon’s inner thigh.

“You are trying my patience,” Hyungwon murmured, eyes trained on Changkyun.

“Try me,” he said smirking.

“What do you want?” Hyungwon asked, placing his right hand on the mirror wall, leaning towards the shorter guy.

“Can I have the liberty?” Changkyun asked and a moment later he was pushing the taller guy across the studio, making Hyungwon sit on his butt on a bench opposite to the mirror wall, settling on his lap.

Hyungwon stared. 

“What do you want?” Hyungwon repeated, eyes wide open boring into the maknae.

“Honestly? I want you. Right here and now.” Changkyun frowned at the older guy, his hands wrapped around the taller’s shoulders.

Hyungwon leaned against Changkyun’s chest sighing, “Hotel?”

“Whatever.”

Hyungwon grabbed the younger guy by the wrist while picking both of their bags and exiting the studio.

When they left the company, Changkyun gripped Hyungwon’s hand as soon as they turned around the corner. 

Hyungwon pressed the maknae’s hand in assurance, showing the faintest smile while leading the way.

* * *

“It looks hella tacky,” Hyungwon said while entering the room.

“Yeah,” Changkyun agreed while reaching the bed and falling on it with a thud.

He laughed out loud “What am I doing here?” He wondered while covering his face with his arms.

“You love me,” Hyungwon approached the bed, fell on it by Changkyun's side and whispered into his ear at once. “That’s what you are doing here.” 

The maknae turned to look at Hyungwon, inspecting his face for a good minute.

“W-what?” Hyungwon asked while putting a hand under his head, faintly smiling at the younger guy.

“I’ve imagined how you would be in a relationship it seems like a million times, but…” he bit his lip slightly “you exceeded all of the expectations. I didn’t expect you to be so romantic.”

“Is it a good or a bad thing?” Hyungwon put his hand on Changkyun’s side. 

“Are you kidding?” He childishly grinned. “I love it.”

Hyungwon watched the other guy turn on his back, staring at the dimly lit lamp on the ceiling. Hyungwon moved his body so that he would be literally sticking to maknae. He put his left hand on his neck and laid his head on Changkyun’s left shoulder. 

“I guess the mood is gone.” He said lazily.

“Yeah,” Changkyun said quietly. “I am tired.”

Hyungwon hummed.

“Tired, yet relieved. I was about to explode earlier in the day. This is the best possible way to end it. Let’s just sleep tonight. We need to wake up in 5 hours.” He said sighing.

“Explode?” Changkyun tried to think. It seemed that nothing has existed until their first kiss. He wasn’t in the right mind at the moment. He was too tired, everything can wait until tomorrow.

“Come on, Hyungwon-ah.” He said while sluggishly standing up, making the taller guy grunt. “Take your clothes off and get under the blanket.” He said while pulling his sweatshirt off.

“Don’t wanna,” he whined.

“Come on,” he said while taking his pants off and putting them to the nearest chair, jumping under the blanket, feeling immediately warm.

Hyungwon opened the eyes, slight drowsiness is already written on his face. 

He pulled his hoodie and Tshirt off in one go, unzipped his pants and kicked them off himself not bothering to stand up. He then crawled under the blanket, sticking close to Changkyun, sighing in relief. He wrapped his hand around the guy’s torso.

“My soft bun is so skinny. You need to eat more, Changkyunnie.” He mumbled into his shoulder.

“Look who is talking,” Changkyun snorted.

“Good night,” Hyungwon kissed the maknae on the shoulder. “I am out,” as he started to breathe slowly.

“Good night,” Changkyun whispered intertwining his fingers with Hyungwon’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote half of this chapter being...intoxicated..coughs DRUNKKK...lol but I finished it sober, so maybe that's why the action you might or might not anticipated went down the drain. 😄  
> I hope it wasn't that bad~


	17. Wicked

“No, no, not you again. You’re just a nightmare. You are just a night terror. You are not real.” Hyungwon said weakly while backing off until he hit the wall. He had nowhere to escape.

“Are you sure?” The voice was hoarse.

“Hyungwon-ah, you are the one who created me.” It was approaching nearer and Hyungwon felt his blood running cold. 

“It’s you and your insecurities.” It seemed to jump on Hyungwon but disappeared right in front of his eyes.

“No, this can’t be happening. This is not how it’s supposed to be.” He crawled down the wall, sitting on what seemed the icy floor, pulling his knees to his chest. “No.”

“No?” The voice sounded so close yet so far away.

“Hyungwon, you are afraid he will find out what the real you is like.” The voice chuckled.

“The real you is nothing much, right?” The voice snorted.

“The real you is disappointing.” The voice started to laugh out loud.

“Boo.” He heard someone whisper into his left ear. 

He turned around to see Changkyun, sitting right next to him, an evil smile plastered all over his face.

It was suffocating. He closed his eyes and when he opened them again he was alone in the empty room. 

It was dark, cold and he felt as if he was drowning.

* * *

He woke up with a start, gasping for air. 

Beads of sweat were rolling down his temple but he felt extremely cold. 

He ran a hand through his hair, trying to understand his whereabouts. 

He blinked drowsily at the ceiling until he realized there was a foreign weight to his chest.

Changkyun was sound asleep, his hand on Hyungwon’s chest. He took his hand in his own, turning on his side to inspect the maknae’s face in the dim of first rays of morning light.

“Changkyun.” Hyungwon whispered while brushing a couple of strands of hair away from his face. 

The other guy mumbled something in response but he wasn’t awoken from the dream.

“Changkyun, I like you.” He whispered barely audible even for himself to hear. 

After a couple of minutes, he crept out of the bed. 

He found his pants and the rest of the clothes and put them on. 

Next, he went to find his bag and fished for a pack as soundlessly as he could, taking the keys and leaving as quietly as possible.

* * *

The weather was awful. It didn’t look like it would stop raining any time soon. 

Hyungwon shuddered while lighting a cigarette, filling his cheeks with smoke and blowing it out a moment later.

He wasn’t sure why he felt so anxious. 

He wasn’t the type of person to suffer from nightmares.

He tried to remember what he dreamt while letting the cigarette hanging loosely from his lips but couldn’t. 

In the end, he crashed it out and went back to the room.

* * *

Hyungwon tried to enter soundlessly when he was met with a pair of scared eyes.

“You’re awake.” Hyungwon dreamily smiled while closing the door behind him, and putting two ice coffees on the table.

Changkyun sighed as he fell on the bed with a thud, covering his face with his arms.

“You came back, I thought you left.” He mumbled.

“What? Why would I do it?” Hyungwon gently smiled while falling on the bed next to the maknae.

“I thought you might have regretted it.”

“You are overthinking, Changkyun.” He started to brush his hair off his face. 

“Come on, look at me.” Hyungwon whispered.

Changkyun peeked through his hand, Hyungwon was smiling.

“Good morning.”

“Good morning,” Hyungwon beamed and leaned over to kiss the maknae.

“Ugh. You smoked.” He grumbled when the older guy pulled back.

“A-ha,” Hyungwon hummed while standing up. “Do you hate it?”

“I am not so sure,” he said disappointedly as the taller guy started to pack everything that was left around the room. However, he soon stopped doing everything he was doing when the maknae didn’t finish his sentence. 

He turned around to see Changkyun fumbling with his own clothes.

“What? Do you want to confirm it?” He said leaving everything and making his way towards Changkyun, cupping his face and pecking his lips a couple of times before kissing him sensually.

“Mmhmm,” Changkyun mumbled while lazily opening his eyes when Hyungwon finally pulled back.

“Maybe I don’t hate it as much as I thought I would.” He grinned at the taller guy.

Hyungwon felt a warm yet somehow alien feeling rushing through his body. It was a chemical fusion he called love.

He felt like he needed to do something about it.

He needed to stop himself from going mad from this overwhelming emotion.

He let out a quiet laugh.

Mad.

He leaned to give Changkyun a chaste kiss. 

“We need to go back home,” he said shortly after.

“Mhmm,” Changkyun hummed, his eyes crossed on Hyungwon who was devilishly smiling. 

He liked what he saw.


	18. Stand by me

~One week later, Saturday~

“We need to tell them.” Hyungwon and Changkyun were sitting in a small, empty room. 

“The sooner, the better.” He mumbled while looking at his half drank coffee.

“What do you mean?” Changkyun looked up.

“About us.” The taller guy took a straw in his mouth and took a sip. “I feel like we can end up in a bad place if we are not honest with them.” Hyungwon gently smiled.

“Are you okay?” He leaned towards the younger guy, slightly brushing his hair off his face. “You look a little pale.”

“Umm, yes, I am okay,” Changkyun said while slightly slapping Hyungwon’s hand as he heard someone opening the door.

“Are you ready, guys?” Hyunwoo swang the door wide open.

“Yeah,” Hyungwon heard the maknae say while jumping on his feet. 

Changkyun left the room without a second look. Hyunwoo blinked at Hyungwon, shrugged and turned on his heel leaving him behind.

Hyungwon sipped on his drink until it was finished, a weird thought crossed his mind. He decided not to contemplate on it. 

He threw the cup in the trash bin and tottered towards the commotion only to be pushed to the wall in the middle of the semi-dark hallway.

“I am sorry,” Changkyun half-whispered into Hyungwon’s ear.

Hyungwon found himself holding the breath for a moment, only to exhale in relief, hugging Changkyun by his waist and rubbing his cheek against the maknae’s. 

“It’s alright.” He said hardly audible.

“I love you,” Changkyun muttered and Hyungwon immediately shifted to look at the other guy, his eyes already trained on him. 

Hyungwon saw his glistening eyes and a smirk. 

He thought Changkyun looked like a wild cat but before he could finish his own train of thoughts the younger guy grabbed him by the collar and kissed him, briefly walking away a moment later.

“I love you,” echoed in Hyungwon’s mind. 

He was standing still, leaning against the wall and replaying the words inside his mind like a fool.

“Zagiya? Are you okay?” He turned to his left to see a passing by Jooheon who stopped on his tracks, a slightly worried look on his face.

“Yes, everything’s great.” He broadly smiled and walked towards Jooheon and hugged him by the shoulder, leading the way to the photoshoot room.

* * *

~Sunday~ 

Hyungwon rolled on his back, lazily blinking at the ceiling. The room was semi-dark.

“Jooheon-ah, I really want to strangle you right now.” He covered his face with both of his forearms. 

Jooheon was sound asleep, snoring.

Hyungwon laid there for a minute, then another one completely motionlessly. In the end, he tiredly crept out his bed and motioned towards the kitchen. 

It was a surprise to him to see Minhyuk and Changkyun sitting by the table.

“Why are you up so early?” He rubbed his left eye while yawning, sitting next to Changkyun.

“I sat an alarm so I can play a bit, unfortunately, I woke Changkyunnie up.” Minhyuk stood up and turned towards the coffee machine. “Coffee?”

“Yes, please.” Hyungwon mumbled while turning to look at the maknae who sluggishly was blinking at him.

“Morning,” Hyungwon moved his lips but no sound came out.

Changkyun smiled. “What happened that our sleeping beauty is awake?.” He said while taking a sip of his coffee.

“Zagiyaaa has been snoring so loud it woke me up,” Hyungwon said pouting.

Minhyuk laughed with a snort while placing a cup of coffee in front of Hyungwon.

“Thanks.”

“Sure, anyway I am going to beat some asses. See you around.” Minhyuk took his cup and disappeared behind the doors.

Hyungwon put his left elbow on the kitchen table, focusing his attention on the maknae.

“How did you sleep?”

“Good, I am glad Minhyuk woke me up, I guess I will stop by the studio. Hyunwoo hyung said we should rehearse tomorrow’s performance but I do not think everyone will gather until later in the noon.”

“Do you want me to come with you?” Hyungwon spoke softly while gently brushing the maknae’s tips of the fingers of his left hand that was lying on the table.

“If you want to.” Changkyun said while looking at both of their hands, his corners of the mouth arched up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to make clear...I am not the brightest writer and neither am I the most logical person out there but I do keep a specific line in my story. 
> 
> I portray their relationship on a more ambiguous side...please do not freak out if some things do not make sense to you. Sooner or later I will lay all the cards on the table. 
> 
> And...I would like to apologize for my English...sometimes I feel cornered because my vocabulary is lacking to express everything I would like to.


	19. Deeper

“Meet me in twenty minutes.” Hyungwon leaned to whisper into Changkyun’s ear, lips brushing his helix and then he was gone.

The maknae sat there silently for another five minutes, his mind fixated on one thing. 

He was awoken from his stupor when he saw Kihyun coming inside the kitchen.

“Morning,” the older guy mumbled.

“Morning,” he replied while motioning towards his room.

* * *

“What do you want for breakfast?” Hyungwon asked while they were inside the cab, driving to Changkyun’s studio.

“I don’t know, I am okay with bread. What do you want, Hyungwon-ah?” Changkyun turned to look at the older guy - most of his face was covered with a scarf, only his prominent eyes were boring through the taxi window.

“Bread sounds good.” 

Changkyun kept on watching the other guy but he didn’t turn his way. An unsettling feeling started to build up in his heart. He tried to shake it off. 

He turned to look outside the window.

* * *

Changkyun opened the door to his studio, letting Hyungwon in first. 

He watched the taller guy putting two red bulls and a paper bag on a coffee table, throwing himself dramatically over his leather couch a second later.

Changkyun laughed.

“I am beat,” Hyungwon mumbled while kicking his shoes off, stretching his legs across the couch.

“It’s 8 AM, you could have returned to bed."

“Changkyunnie, you should try to sleep with Jooheon for a week or two. I bet you would go crazy. It's a little too much for me to handle whenever he is sick.” He softly spoke while rolling on his back, his long arms stretched out up in the air.

Changkyun didn’t say anything to that but came to sit next to the older guy, taking one of his hands in his, placing gentle kisses while looking Hyungwon straight in the eye. 

Hyungwon grinned. 

He intertwined his legs around Changkyun’s waist, raising his torso up, flinging his arms around the younger’s shoulders and pushing him down shortly after.

It was silent for a long, comfortable moment.

Changkyun was spread across Hyungwon’s chest, the older guy’s breathing calm and steady.

“Come, lay with me for a while,” Hyungwon brushed Changkyun’s hair behind one of his ears.

The maknae said nothing but rose, quickly looked at the older guy, a faint smile playing on his lips. He then turned to unlace his boots and a moment later he snuggled next to Hyungwon. 

Hyungwon pulled him closer. 

Changkyun could hear Hyungwon’s heartbeat loud and clear.

* * *

“What are you thinking about?” Changkyun asked after a long silence.

“At the moment?” Hyungwon mumbled.

Changkyun hummed.

“I have nothing on my mind right now. I feel like I can fall asleep at any moment. Do you have something on your mind?”

“Yeah,” Changkyun whispered.

“What is it?” Hyungwon gripped Changkyun a little tighter.

“The conversation we had before.”

“About?”

“Considering telling the rest about us.”

“Mmm,” Hyungwon hummed. 

“I think they need to know before they find out about us on their own. However…” 

Hyungwon paused but a moment later continued. 

“…however, I don’t want to push you into anything you are not comfortable with. 

We can wait. 

We can just leave things like this forever. 

It’s up to you.” 

Hyungwon’s voice was peaceful.

Changkyun put his chin on Hyungwon’s chest, laying on his right cheek a moment later, looking straight at Hyungwon.

“Chae, what do you mean?” Changkyun wondered while observing the elder’s bird’s nest.

“I don’t know. I don’t want to pressure you.” 

Changkyun’s eyes found Hyungwon’s.

“Do you doubt me?”

“No,” Hyungwon didn’t blink. Changkyun thought he was being honest.

The maknae sighed while putting his arms around Hyungwon’s waist.

“I am not afraid to come clean about our relationship, Hyungwon-ah. I am not afraid that others will know about us. I am not planning on letting you go for who the hell knows how long, maybe until the rest of my life.”

“Oh,” Hyungwon breathed out.

“I am afraid they won’t be supportive. I am afraid it will get us secluded.” He gripped on Hyungwon’s waist a little tighter.

“I know what you mean.” Hyungwon started to play with Changkyun’s hair. “However, I believe it’s the best we are honest with them from the very beginning. I have my doubts but I want to trust them. I want to believe in them. To believe they can accept us.” 

Changkyun turned to look at Hyungwon again. 

“I had to lose my mind faster. I think my feelings keep on growing towards you. I thought I reached my limit but I guess I was wrong.” He nervously smiled.

Hyungwon laughed and felt strings of his heart being tugged. He felt extremely close to Changkyun at that moment.

“You’re being honest. Be honest with me, Changkyunnie. Stop hiding your weaknesses. Stop putting on a front. Let me inside your heart. Share with me both happiness and sadness.” He pulled maknae into the tight hug. 

Changkyun waited for Hyungwon to continue but then he became aware of his heartbeat. 

Hyungwon’s heartbeat was an answer. 

Deep in his heart, he was saying he loves him.

“I love you too.” Changkyun nuzzled up against Hyungwon’s chest, letting the bony yet broad structure of the taller guy be his pillow.

Hyungwon hummed in both agreement and content.


	20. Faster

Mere minutes later Changkyun heard Hyungwon’s evened out breathing. 

He slightly turned to look at the older guy straight to the face. 

Hyungwon’s hair was extremely messy. Changkyun thought he forgot to comb it. 

His fringe was covering most of his eyes. He didn’t shave but it didn’t make him look older. 

He was wearing black baggy pants and no less baggy black hoodie that both of them could fit it.

Changkyun thought it was his favorite look – Hyungwon’s free spirit matching his unruly hair and comfortable clothes. 

He was watching him for another couple of minutes. As if trying to memorize this particular image of the guy. 

In the end, he crept out of the couch as soundlessly as possible. 

He sat by the table, turning on his laptop and immersing in the work that would keep him busy for another three hours without a moment to laze around.

* * *

“Changkyun,” Hyungwon whispered after blinking at the ceiling for a minute or two. He woke up on his own. He was low-key proud of himself.

“Changkyunnie,” his voice sounded needy this time. 

The maknae showed no signs of being aware of Hyungwon calling his name.

“Changgyun-ah,” Hyungwon said louder but the shorter boy kept staring into the screen.

Hyungwon yawned and lazily went to where Changkyun was. 

He swiftly took the maknae’s headphones off, making the younger guy turn in surprise. 

“Earth calls Changkyun,” Hyungwon gently smiled and the maknae immediately copied him, making his dimples surface.

“You are awake,” his voice was low.

Hyungwon hummed. He gave Changkyun his headphones and went to sit on the couch, his legs in a lotus position, silently stretching his arms. 

“Hungry?” Changkyun asked while picking the drinks and a paper bag off the table, sitting next to Hyungwon shortly after.

* * *

Hyungwon was absent mindlessly scrolling through his phone and sipping on his red bull while Changkyun was emptying the contents of the bag.

“Woah, this is really good.” The shorter guy said cheerfully. “You should try it out, Hyungwon-ah.”

The taller guy turned to look at the rapper's direction, him extending the hand with a bun. 

Hyungwon looked at Changkyun and then at a pastry, grabbing Changkyun by the wrist at last. He pulled it towards himself and took a bite of it a moment later.

“You’re right, it’s good. I bet zagiya would love it.” Hyungwon mumbled while swallowing down the food.

Changkyun took another bite and Hyungwon noticed the way a little bit of jelly was left on the younger’s face. 

He reached to wipe it off with a thumb, bringing it to his own mouth and licking it without a second thought.

Changkyun was silent for a moment. 

He then went for another bite. Deliberately or not but another bit of jelly was left on his face after the rest of the bun disappeared inside his mouth.

Hyungwon stared, obviously amused. 

He moved closer, his index finger wiping off the jelly but this time he brings it to Changkyun’s lips. 

Hyungwon’s eyes locked on the younger's when the rapper swallows the taller’s finger, starting to suck on it shortly after. 

Hyungwon’s eyes widen and a mouth goes into a small, sly smile. When Hyungwon finally pulls back he gently runs his right thumb over Changkyun’s lower lip.

“You’re very erotic.” Hyungwon finds himself whispering barely audible and he wonders if the words even reached the younger guy.

“And you’re sexy,” Changkyun brings his legs up to the couch and now he is face to face with Hyungwon.

Hyungwon thinks for a moment that lasts shorter than a second as he swiftly pats on his left thigh, inviting Changkyun. 

The rapper smirks to that and climbs into Hyungwon’s lap, both of his knees touching the back of the couch. 

Both of them are looking quietly at each other, waiting for the other to move. 

Changkyun feels shudder down his back when Hyungwon’s long, ridiculously cold fingers found their way to his bare waist, under his sweater. 

Hyungwon was looking somewhere down but a moment later he looked Changkyun straight in the eye, his fingers in the rappers pant’s loops. 

Hyungwon looked at Changkyun as if to ask if it was alright. 

It made the younger guy sheepishly smile. He loved this soft side of the older guy – so careful and gentle. 

On the second thought, cross the gentle out. 

As soon as Changkyun gave an affirming smile Hyungwon grabbed the maknae by the nape, lavishly crashing their lips together. 

Changkyun cupped Hyungwon’s face with both of his hands, breathing heavily at the touch of Hyungwon’s palm that was running across his back under the clothes. 

The kiss was demanding. They broke it off after who knows how long, catching their breaths.


	21. Stronger

“Have you ever done it with a guy?” Hyungwon softly asked while touching on the sides of Changkyun’s waist, rocking his body ever so lightly. 

“Yeah,” came a nonchalant reply and Hyungwon felt scandalized but the moment he saw Changkyun’s innocent smile he sighed in relief. 

“Yeah, it’s a first for me as well,” Hyungwon leaned against Changkyun’s chest, breathing in his scent greedily. 

Hyungwon thought he would go crazy as the rapper started to rub his crotch against Hyungwon’s. 

Both of them were painfully hard. 

He couldn’t bear it anymore. He made Changkyun lean closer. He hungrily ran his tongue over the maknae’s neck, making him slightly moan. 

Hyungwon thought he couldn’t get any harder. Oh boy was he wrong.

Both of their bulges were rubbing against each other and Hyungwon thought he has had enough. 

While being in the middle of what Changkyun thought leaving hickeys on his neck Hyungwon started to slightly tug at Changkyun’s belt, obviously failing to unbuckle it.

After a moment too long Changkyun did it himself, making Hyungwon sigh in relief. 

He ran his free hand over Changkyun’s bulge and at that moment rapper thought he could cum just like that. 

It almost scared him how aroused he was. 

Hyungwon kept on sucking the life out of Changkyun’s neck, making the maknae breathless – the sweetest music to Hyungwon’s ears. 

In the end, Hyungwon broke, looking at the flushed Changkyun. 

“Do you…?” Hyungwon muffles while staring at the younger guy, panting.

“Hyungwon, can we fucking do something? I feel like I will die if I don’t cum in the nearest couple of minutes.” And Changkyun might wanted to add something else but Hyungwon started to urgently unzip the younger’s fly and trying to tug his pants altogether with his boxers off but as it was sort of impossible in the position they were right now he then looked up.

“Take them off.” Hyungwon whispered and it was nothing but enough for Changkyun to jump off his lap on the floor, furiously tugging his pants and boxers off while Hyungwon did the same, kicking his black pants and dark blue boxers somewhere sideway, sitting half naken on his leather couch, motioning his hand at Changkyun. 

Changkyun climbed into his lap again, the same position but now both of the erections next to each other. 

Changkyun watched Hyungwon stare at both of their dicks.

“Stop staring.” Changkyun found himself nervously laughing. “It’s not the first time we’ve seen each other naked.”

Hyungwon hummed and then looked up at Changkyun.

“But the last time I’ve seen you naked I didn’t want to touch you. And I for sure didn’t imagine how I would like to fuck you in all the positions and places.” 

Hyungwon slyly smiled while running his hand somewhere up his back. Changkyun held the breath.

In the end, Hyungwon leaned to kiss Changkyun while taking a hold of Changkyun’s erection, making his breath hitched.

Changkyun put his head on Hyungwon’s shoulder while the older guy was going up and down his member. 

Hyungwon leaned against the wall and closed his eyes, concentrating essentially on Changkyun’s breathing and his hand pumping the younger’s penis.

He desperately lacked stimulation but he felt like he could cum only by hearing Changkyun’s muffled moans from time to time.

When he felt like the younger guy was near the climax he took both of their dicks in his hand, making Changkyun squirm in a different wave of ecstasy.

“Uh,” the younger guy exclaimed. “I am going to cum,” he frantically said while breathing heavily into Hyungwon’s right ear.

It made Hyungwon speed his hand stroking, resulting in hearing Changkyun’s moaning more frequently.

He came into his hand while Hyungwon’s speed didn’t change. 

Hyungwon let himself go a moment later. A sticky substance was all over his right hand and pretty much over both of their thighs. 

Hyungwon sighed in pleasure. He hasn't felt this good in ages. 

He was shocked that dry humping can be this good. He couldn’t wait for an actual meal. 

He then felt the younger guy standing on his feet, stumbling a little.

“Are you okay?” Hyungwon asked worriedly but the notes of dazedness were still prominent in his voice.

Changkyun nodded. “My right leg fell asleep.” As he went to fetch a roll of toilet paper off his table, motioning towards the older guy and throwing it at him, a wild smirk plastered on his face. Hyungwon smiled back.

Both of them cleaned themselves and put their clothes on. 

Hyungwon’s head was on Changkyun’s lap when the taller guy finally broke the silence.

“Did you like it?” Hyungwon stared at the younger’s face.

Changkyun looked at Hyungwon straight in the eye. 

“Are you kidding? I never thought hand jobs could be this good. I cannot wait what the real thing will feel like.” The rapper burst out laughing and Hyungwon found himself closing his eyes, a genuinely joyful smile finding its way to his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sex is important in relationships. 
> 
> I hope it sounded better than just a badly written porn. 
> 
> SIGH~


	22. Sweet escape

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am begging you....just imagine that what Hyungwon said is indeed in verse. English is not my mother tongue...I portrayed the feeling I wanted so it's up to your imagination to make it sound like a small poem haha

Changkyun was observing Hyungwon’s long lashes, random pieces of words running through his mind along with the melody he has been working on with Elhae.

_I love what we have, baby, don’t you let me down yeahh_

He hardly audibly hummed.

_How can I explain this, come and make me wet by your under_

_I know you want me too…don’t you hesitate-e-e._

At this, he started to brush Hyungwon’s hair off his face.

_You’re my home, so take me there…_

At this Hyungwon opened his eyes.

“Do I urge the lyrics within you?” He gently smiled and it made Changkyun go beet red. He turned to look to his right.

“Maybe,” he said faintly and Hyungwon laughed out loud.

“Want to hear a joke?”

“Mm?” Changkyun brought his attention back to Hyungwon.

The taller guy motioned his hand and Changkyun shortened the distance between them.

As if he heard Hyungwon say to bend over, no words were needed.

_Lying in the arms of light,_

The taller guy whispered into Changkyun’s ear.

_Listening to the deep voice that makes me dream,_

He wrapped his hand around Changkyun’s neck.

_I am alone but you’re right beside me,_

_Take my hand and be beside me,_

_So meet me in the middle of the night._

_When the stars are at their brightest,_

_So we can make our sweet escape._

Hyungwon finished and let go of Changkyun’s neck. The younger guy returned to his original position, eyes wide open.

“What’s this?” He said genuinely surprised.

“I don’t know, it just came to my mind while you were humming.”

Hyungwon shifted a little on Changkyun’s lap, putting his forearm on his face, embarrassed.

“Dude…” Changkyun said, still genuinely surprised.

“I prefer you calling me baby.” Hyungwon’s voice was soft and the maknae knew he was smiling.

“Are you confessing to me?” Changkyun took Hyungwon’s arm away, leaning his face closer, smiling shyly.

Hyungwon laughed.

“Well. I’ve already confessed to you, haven’t I?” His eyes were crossed on Changkyun’s, the distance between them was nonexistent.

“Well yeah, but not in verse.” Changkyun was still staring in awe.

“Okay. I confessed to you but it was more of me asking you on a date.” Hyungwon face forwarded to press a gentle kiss on Changkyun’s lips, sitting up a moment later, making the maknae turn his way in some sort of daze.

“W-what?” Hyungwon laughed while looking at the rapper.

“By sweet escape I meant a date. Was it that bad?” His left hand found its way to the back of his neck.

“Nah.” Changkyun said breathlessly.

“I am just shocked. I feel like we still have a long way to knowing each other. You do not stop surprising me.” He said finally relaxing, dimples showing.

“Really?” Hyungwon sighed in relief.

“I was afraid I would sound like a creep.”

At this statement, both of them laughed out loud.

They were still in the middle of a laughing fit when there was a knock at the door.

“Who is it?” Changkyun meant to ask but he opened the door before he could do so.

“Min,” Changkyun said still smiling.

“What’s up?” He broadly smiled while walking in and falling on the couch next to Hyungwon. “Why are you laughing?”

“It’s nothing,” Hyungwon said trying to make himself stop. “I suppose you came to pick us up?” He sounded calmer while trying to put his vans on.

Minhyuk wanted to say something but in the end, just nodded in agreement. He watched Changkyun turn off his laptop and a lamp next to it.

“Should we go?” He said turning towards the other two.

“Yep, let’s go.” Minhyuk leaped to his feet and a second later he was strolling down the corridor.

Hyungwon grabbed his coat and headed towards the door when Changkyun grabbed him by the wrist.

“I cannot wait for this _sweet escape_ you call a date.” He whispered into Hyungwon’s ear and both of them first blushed but then burst out laughing again.

Changkyun heard Minhyuk pouting and nagging at Hyungwon to why they were laughing again while he was locking the door to his studio and joining the other two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to include something real so I ended up using some of Horizon's lyrics. 
> 
> Fly with me, Scent and Horizon deserve more love~


	23. Bad moon

“Open your eyes, Hyungwon-ah.” The voice was deep and clear.

Hyungwon’s chest felt heavy and cold as if his heart turned into ice – fragile and completely empty inside.

Hyungwon looked up. 

Changkyun was staring at him, grinning. He looked like an incarnation of the devil. The smile that has a soothing effect on him was now piercing through his heart like an arrow. His words were pure venom. 

He was tired. Extremely tired.

“Don’t cry, Hyungwon-ah.” The shorter boy was still smirking but now most of his face was in the shadow.

Hyungwon extended his hand. 

He tried to reach out but it was in vain. The moment he could touch him, the maknae vanished into a thin vial of pure darkness. 

“It’s all in my head,” Hyungwon mumbled and he felt very exhausted. 

He sprawled on now so familiar icy floor, sticking to the wall.

“Are you sleeping, Hyungwon-ah? Talk to me, I am bored.”

“Leave me alone, you’re just a nightmare.” He covered his ears but Changkyun moved them, leaned over to whisper.

“Are you sure about that?” 

Hyungwon jerked, backing the wall.

“What do you want from me?” He shakily breathed. “Why is it so cold?” Is all he could think about.

“Who am I?” Changkyun asked now sadly smiling. His grin was nowhere to be seen. 

Hyungwon was tired. So tired.

“I don’t play your games, Changkyun.” He harshly sighed, running a hand through his hair.

“Are you sure about that?” The voice belonged to Changkyun but he couldn’t see his face anymore. He could only make out a silhouette in this already dark room.

“Who am I?” The voice asked again.

“Fuck you.” Hyungwon tiredly mumbled. Whatever he was scared of at the very beginning lost its all power. He just wanted to make it stop.

The voice chuckled and Hyungwon didn’t recognize the maknae’s voice anymore.

“Who am I?” The voice asked again and at this Hyungwon started to crawl on his knees towards the silhouette.

Hyungwon stopped on his tracks when he was finally able to properly see.

“Who am I?” 

The voice asked again and Hyungwon was looking at _himself_. He had a somber expression. 

His lifeless eyes were staring back at him.

“Where is Changkyun?” He dumbly asked.

“Why do you care about someone else when you cannot take care of yourself? Do you think you have the right to pursue someone when you are like this?” The voice sounded younger and higher pitched.

“What do you want with him when I a-m h-e-r-e?” The voice was toneless, deadly.

“What do you want?” 

The voice grunted.

“That’s the wrong question. It’s not about what I want. It’s about me suffering while you are enjoying yourself to the fullest.” 

Hyungwon felt even colder.

“What do you mean?” 

“Do you really think he loves you? Someone like you? Someone like me?” 

“He does,” Hyungwon gulped.

“Yeah, right, just like everyone else.” The voice was dripping with sarcasm.

“Go,” The voice shooed at Hyungwon.

“Enjoy yourself while you can because when everyone leaves you, you will come back to me.” He leaped to his feet and started to walk away.

Hyungwon was watching him retrieve.

At this moment he felt someone shaking him by the shoulder.

“Hyungwon-ah,” the voice was small and frantic.

“Don’t touch me,” Hyungwon pushed the hand away in a half-delirious state.

A moment later he felt someone’s warmth and the smell immediately calmed him down.

“Jooheon?” Hyungwon mumbled while opening his eyes, the room was dark.

“Yeah,” the guy murmured sleepily. “You had a nightmare or something, you screamed. You scared the shit out of me.” He finished while placing a hand over Hyungwon’s shoulder. “Try to relax.”

Hyungwon was blinking into the darkness of the room but soon fell into a dreamless, NREM sleep.


	24. Hour of need

Hyungwon woke up to someone breathing down his neck and a slightly irritable timbre of the voice. 

He lazily opened his eyes to see Changkyun bent over his bed, Jooheon was slowly breathing next to him.

“Morning,” he whispered disorientingly.

“Morning,” Changkyun said curtly. “You need to wake up,” and then he was gone.

When the door was shut he ran a hand over his face. He was drained and the day has just started.

“Hey, Jooheon.” He nudged at the guy next to him. 

“Wake up, Jooheon-ah.”

“Nhhg, stop.” He tried to move the hand away. Hyungwon was pinching his right cheek. A moment later Jooheon dragged a pillow over his face.

In the end, Hyungwon just gave up and crawled over the younger guy’s body, going straight to the shower.

* * *

“Hey,” Hyungwon sat next to Changkyun by the kitchen table. The younger guy was picking on his sandwich as if it was oatmeal.

Changkyun didn’t say anything. He was blankly staring at his messy plate, furrowing.

“Are you alright? Is something wrong?” Hyungwon asked concerned. An uneasy feeling was coming back. What was he dreaming about once again?

“Changk…”

“Why did Jooheon-ah was sleeping next to you?” He abruptly turned and somehow it made Hyungwon flustered at their closeness.

“I don’t know, maybe he sleepwalked or confused the beds in the middle of the night.” Hyungwon mumbled nervously.

“Is he a kid?” 

“Hey, I really don’t know why he...” Hyungwon looked up at Changkyun again and there was something behind his eyes. What was it?

And Changkyun might wanted to say something else but Jooheon sluggishly entered the kitchen.

“Good morning.” He said yawning.

“Morning,” both of the guys replied.

“Are you okay, Hyungwon-ah?” Jooheon asked without looking straight at the taller guy, he was preoccupied with a coffee machine.

“What do you mean?”

“Don’t you remember? You were screaming in the middle of the night. What did you dream about?” He said yawning once again.

“Oh,” Changkyun breathed out and turned to look at the taller guy but he didn't notice the attention he was getting. 

“Is this why I woke up next to you?” 

Jooheon nodded. “No recollection of that?”

“Nope,” is all that Hyungwon answered.

At this Kihyun and Hoseok entered the kitchen, fully dressed.

“Jooheon!” Exclaimed Kihyun. “Move it, you will be late _again_ and I am tired to wait for you all the freaking time.”

Hyungwon watched Jooheon getting stiff, he quickly poured milk into his coffee and tottered towards the room.

The situation made him let a soft chuckle out.

“Oh,” stroke Hyungwon. 

He turned to look at Changkyun whose eyes were already trained on him. He moved closer to maknae and said so only he could hear.

“Hey, were you jealous?” Hyungwon softly breathed into the rapper’s ear and when he pulled back to the original place he immediately knew the answer. 

Deep circles of red that burned on his cheeks was perfectly obvious response.

“I don’t know what you are talking about.” Changkyun looked down at his torn apart sandwich.

Hyungwon shortened the distance again. 

“Don’t be, you’re the only one I would want to wake up next to.” He smiled into his ear and Changkyun thought his ears must be bright red at the moment.

“And…”Hyungwon lingered on ‘d’ forever. 

”We have a day off the day after tomorrow. So if you’re free…”

Changkyun turned to look straight at Hyungwon.

“A date?” The rapper mouthed and Hyungwon laughed out loud.

“Oi, love birds maybe you need to get changed as well. It’s enough to have one Jooheon. I will not get over three of them.” Kihyun said while gulping down his coffee.

The other two flinched for the briefest moment.

Kihyun paid no attention to it but Hoseok observed both of the guys who left the kitchen with meaningful curiosity.


	25. The way you hold my heart

“Is there something you want to do? Is there somewhere you want to go? Paris, Tokyo, Milan?” 

Hyungwon was broadly smiling. The moment they left the house he took Changkyun’s hand in his.

“Tokyo or Milan?” Changkyun laughed. “Isn’t it a bit too far?”

Hyungwon chuckled.

“I don’t know why I said so. It just popped up in my mind. Now that I think about it, it’s lyrics to some song.” 

Hyungwon started to mumble while Changkyun looked at the taller guy, joy was filling his bones.

None of them noticed Hoseok who watched them from the balcony of the second floor. 

He followed them with his eyes until they turned around the corner. He pulled at the collar of his shirt while entering the house. His curiosity was now mixed with a palette of different feelings he couldn’t place a name to. Not yet.

* * *

“So, where are we going?” Changkyun wondered after they have been walking for 20 minutes. 

They were heading towards downtown but it would take them another two hours by foot to actually get somewhere close to the center. 

“I don’t want to be a letdown but since you’ve known me for some time…” Hyungwon peeked at Changkyun and then looked straightforward again “…I don’t have anything fancy on my mind. I just wanted to spend a day with you. However, I want you to think of it as a romantic date. I was thinking to go to an amusement park, the weather is supposed to be nice today. And then we can go to eat somewhere. I love amusement park food but we shouldn’t stuff our stomachs.” He started to grumble while Changkyun childishly grinned.

“W-what?” Hyungwon turned around.

“No, nothing but aren’t we supposed to catch a cab since we didn’t ask Hongsik to drive us?”

“Just a little more.” Hyungwon turned to look forward while grasping Changkyun’s hand a little tighter.

“We will walk just a little longer and then we catch a cab. This neighborhood is quiet and there is no one to criticize two guys holding hands. We cannot do it in front of everyone. Not that we have a choice. I guess we will be lucky if no one recognizes us. I don’t want any fuss.” Hyungwon kept on mumbling.

“You’re so cute.” Changkyun thought to himself.

* * *

“Want to go to a Ferris wheel and then we can go eat something?” Hyungwon pointed at the wheel’s direction.

It crossed Changkyun’s mind that it was Hyungwon’s intention from the very beginning but he didn’t want to ruin his _original plan_.

It was a little after 6 PM but the city was already dark. 

Both of them were sitting next to each other, looking in different directions. 

Hyungwon turned Changkyun’s way when he spotted his facial expression in the window.

“Hmm?” He hummed while placing his left on Changkyun’s right hand while sliding his finger of his right hand under Changkyun’s chin, caressing his jawline with the pad of his thumb.

The maknae was just watching the older guy, listening to his breathing. 

Changkyun thought he was about ready to combust. He started to think he is an animal. There was nothing but the desire on his mind. He was definitely getting lustful.

It got even worse when Hyungwon said “come” while standing up. 

Hyungwon stood up without letting go of Changkyun's hand and pulled him over the window. He positioned him so he was facing the city. Stood behind him and put his hands on the rapper's shoulders.

It was silent until they reached the highest point and then started to slowly go down.

In the end, Hyungwon wrapped his arms around Changkyun’s waist, resting his head on his shoulder.

“Did you like the date?” Hyungwon mumbled while tightening the grasp, making Changkyun wanting to jump out of his own skin.

“Uhum,” is all that the rapper could breath out. He scrutinized the taller's reflexion. The way his hair was falling over his own shoulder. He was slowly losing it.

“Hey,” Hyungwon’s breathed down Changkyun’s neck.

“Yeah?” The maknae tensed up.

“We didn’t say it aloud but…” Hyungwon stammered “…b-but I suppose we are together, right? I can call you my boyfriend, right?”

At this Hyungwon looked up and found Changkyun’s eyes in the window reflexion. 

Changkyun thickly swallowed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know Hongsik (their manager) doesn't work with them anymore but since it's supposed to be the beginning of 2019 I guess it's okay....furthermore I don't know the name of their new one. 🕵️


	26. Feel me

“Jesus, take the wheel,” Changkyun thought to himself while turning around and giving Hyungwon a passionate kiss.

Changkyun felt butterflies in his stomach. 

At the very beginning, he thought he had the thickest crush on him but he ended up being in love with Hyungwon.

Hyungwon was a disease to Changkyun. He invaded his body and was controlling his every thought and action.

He was love-struck.

He felt the adrenaline rushing through his body and he wasn’t sure whether he has ever felt like this before. 

His mind and body were getting hotter with every passing second. 

Hyungwon pulled back, he was watching him patiently.

“Y-yes.” Changkyun stuttered. “That’s a fucking yes.” He stared at the taller guy who was holding him by the waist. 

His smile was dazzling and his voice was soft.

* * *

“Do you mind if we stop by the studio? I forgot something in there.” Changkyun asked in a weird, almost robotic but frantic way.

“Sure.” 

Hyungwon was clueless and Changkyun thought his boyfriend is a bit of a slowpoke.

* * *

As soon as Changkyun opened the door to his studio, Hyungwon leisurely walked in while turning the lights on and sitting on the couch a moment later.

Changkyun, on the other hand, turned the lights off after locking the room and tottered towards his table to turn on the lamp next to his computer instead.

Without a word he threw his backpack on the floor and almost jumped on Hyungwon’s lap.

“Ah,” Hyungwon broadly smiled in the dim of the light. 

“Yeah,” Changkyun laughed while hurriedly unzipping and throwing his coat on the floor, trying to pull Hyungwon’s one next.

Changkyun couldn’t get enough of Hyungwon. 

He was tired and sore but he didn’t care. 

He wanted the ache. 

He wanted him, all of him.

He wanted to watch his face. 

He wanted to watch the way Hyungwon stared at him before fluttering his eyes in pleasure.

He wanted to hear the way his breath was steady and a moment later hitched to the point of going hoarse.

Hyungwon was gentle. 

Gentle, rhythmic and knowing but Changkyun was impatient.

“Hyung-won-ah, fuck me. Fuck me like you mean it. Stir me. Screw me.” He breathed out while grabbing the edge of the leather couch.

Hyungwon gulped.

“Changkyun-ah,” his breath was hot on Changkyun’s back. 

“You’ve got one dirty mouth. I like it but you’re too impatient.”

He huffed. “I want to pick you apart piece by piece.”

He dragged his tongue over Changkyun’s shoulder blade up to his rose tattoo and the maknae thought he was close. 

“But I guess we will save it for the next time,” and Hyungwon picked on the pace, smashing into Changkyun with full force for a couple of minutes before furiously biting into the younger’s neck.

Both of them finished at that particular moment. 

Changkyun slid down the couch as soon as Hyungwon pulled out and got rid of the rubber, cleaning up first Changkyun and then himself. After swiftly putting his boxers on he threw his hot body over the maknae.

“You’re heavyyy, Hyungwon-ah.” The maknae said breathlessly. His voice was tired but satisfied.

Hyungwon didn’t say anything. He laid motionless. Half of his body was on Changkyun’s, another half on the couch. His left hand was thrown over the maknae’s waist, the right one was touching the floor. 

Changkyun listened to both of their breathings slowly coming to the norm.


	27. Confusion

“Hey,” Changkyun’s voice echoed in a silent room. “It's late, we should go.” 

“Give me five more minutes,” Hyungwon mumbled while stretching on the couch. 

His body temperature dropped down significantly while Changkyun’s was still considered to be high. 

Hyungwon had a cooling effect and the rapper might have wanted to cling a little longer to the older guy. Unfortunately, the moment his phone buzzed he tiredly sighed while sitting up. A displeased grumble echoed as a response. He crawled over Hyungwon and found his underwear first, reaching for his phone next.

* * *

“Who is it?” Hyungwon turned to look at Changkyun who was immersed in his phone for the last couple of minutes.

“Minhyuk hyung.” His eyes glued to the screen.

Hyungwon stretched his arms up in the air and lazily sat up, scanning the floor. 

His clothes was under Changkyun’s. He threw maknae’s pants and jumper right into the younger guy’s face. 

“Hey, what are you doing?” The rapper whined.

“Get dressed, I suppose Minhyuk is either missing you, which I am not too eager to know or most probably he nags you to get food.” Hyungwon said while putting his sweatshirt on.

“Yeah.” Changkyun blinked. “He wants takeout sushi and Baskin-Robbins.”

Hyungwon chuckled. “See, I told you. He is very predictable.” He smiled at Changkyun after his sweatshirt was on. 

The maknae was observing him with curiosity.

* * *

Hyungwon unlocked the door. There was a ruckus at the back of the house and then a loud stomping. 

“Where’s food?” Minhyuk appeared in the hallway a moment later.

“Hyungwon-ah?” He asked surprised. 

“You were with Changkyun?”

Hyungwon nodded while letting in the younger guy who was trailing behind him.

“Half vanilla, half choco ice cream, and sushi.” Changkyun cheerfully extended the hand in front of him.

“I love you so much.” Minhyuk sang while snatching plastic bags and disappearing in the kitchen.

Hyungwon took his shoes off and first thing first went to his room he shares with Jooheon and Hyunwoo. 

He changed his clothes and half expected to meet someone but the room was empty.

He poked his head into Kihyun’s room but he was nowhere to be seen as well. 

Finally, he found Hoseok in the room he turned into the gym. 

Hyungwon guessed it was his arm day. The tee was soaked with sweat and the veins were surfacing on his skin. Hyungwon stared in awe.

“How big are you planning to get?” He walked into the room and started to touch one of Hoseok's arms.

“Hyungwon-ah.” Hoseok glared at the younger guy. “Stop being a weirdo.” 

Hyungwon straightened up. “But I am _a weirdo_." He smirked to one side. 

"Did you just figure that out? I suppose I’ve done a great job hiding it until now.” He broadly smiled and Hoseok had nothing left but to copy the younger guy’s smile.

“Hey,” echoed from the hall.

They turned to look at Changkyun.

“Ice cream is melting.” He blinked at both of the guys and disappeared a moment later.

“Right, we got you cookie dough.” Hyungwon broadly smiled. 

"There are sushi and sashimi as well. Maybe we should hurry or Minnyuga will eat everything.” He smiled again.

“We.” Hoseok was weirdly preoccupied with the statement. He frowned while standing up. 

“What is going on?” He thought to himself while following the taller guy.

* * *

“The hell is this?” Minhyuk gasped while walking towards Changkyun.

It was a little after midnight. They were getting ready for bed.

“What do you mean?” Changkyun asked while throwing his sweater on the bed and reaching for the t-shirt from the wardrobe.

“Look.” Minhyuk grabbed him by the shoulders and made him walk to the wall mirror. 

“Who did this to you?” Minhyuk laughed out loud.

Changkyun was looking in the mirror and didn’t see anything out of place until his eyes didn't land on the neck. He half-turned to take a better look. There was a bright red bite mark that was slightly turning blue. 

He swore inside his mind. “Shit, Hyungwon. What the hell have you done?!” 

He hurriedly put on his shirt and the first hoodie he found laying around.

Minhyuk smirked. 

“I didn’t know you have a girlfriend.”

“I don’t.”

“Oh.” Minhyuk was intrigued. “For a person who doesn’t have one, you for sure are busy.” He grinned showing his teeth.

“It’s not a girlfriend but a boyfriend.” Changkyun thought to himself. “ _Damn_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I miss Jooheon and his dimples.
> 
> I miss seeing his bright personality. I hope he is getting better. 🐝
> 
> Happy Chinese New Year.  
> If you don't celebrate, I guess happy Saturday.


	28. White morning

_In the chilly morning light, the house looked deserted and alienated._

Hyungwon awoke from yet another draining dream. 

It started to bother him. He hardly misses alarms these days because it has become a rule to be awoken long before it. 

Hyungwon’s mind was blank. He was tired.

He swung his legs out of the bed and shuffled out through the doorway in his slippers straight into the kitchen. 

He lazily waited for the coffee to brew as he was tapping on the edge of the kitchen table while looking outside. The rain was lashing the window. He subconsciously shivered. 

He grabbed someone’s zip-up hoodie. By the smell and size of it Hyungwon suspected it was Hyunwoo’s and tottered towards the balcony. A strong winter wind was gushing at his face as he flicked a cigarette out of the pack and lit it up a moment later. 

He was observing the trajectory of the rainfall. It changed its direction too fast. 

“It looks like it will be raining the whole damn day,” Hyungwon mumbled to himself. 

“I hate it when it rains during winter.” He thought to himself.

* * *

It seemed that Hyungwon heard weird noses and he wasn’t mistaken. When he entered the living room while closing the door to the balcony behind him he found Minhyuk plastered on the couch, a cup of coffee in his hand.

“I am worried, Won. Did pigs start flying? Why do I see you awoken earlier than Kihyun?” He started to yawn as he brought a cup to his lips.

“I don’t know. I have trouble sleeping. I tend to have nightmares of sorts.” Hyungwon sat next to Minhyuk.

Minhyuk didn’t respond but nodded knowingly.

Hyungwon was mindlessly switching the channels when Minhyuk cleared his voice. 

The taller guy turned to look his way and saw a familiar glint in his eyes. It meant that one-way traffic of Minhyuk’s never-ending talking is about to start.

“W-what?” Hyungwon snorted while switching his attention back to the TV “I know that look.”

Minhyuk was silent for a moment but then said as if cut like a knife.

“Did you know that Changkyunnie has a girlfriend?”

Hyungwon nearly choked on his coffee when he turned to look at Minhyuk – face full of emotions, smiling.

“Umm,” Hyungwon averted his gaze for a moment while bringing his left hand to the neck. 

“I don’t think he has one.” He said looking at Minhyuk’s expecting eyes.

“He said the same but it’s obvious.” He laughed.

“What did he tell you?”

“Nothing. He profusely blushed and that’s where it ended. But the hickey..” 

Minhyuk showed it on his own body. He touched the spot on his right side of the neck. “...or more like a bite mark. Whoever it is, she is a feisty one.” His laughter was clear and loud.

Hyungwon sighed while moistening his lips. 

“Why?” Minhyuk leaned to take a better look at Hyungwon’s pale face. 

“Is something wrong? Don’t tell me you’re not happy for our maknae. Or even worse, you’re jealous he got one faster than you did.” Minhyuk’s face was in front of Hyungwon’s – snickering. 

Hyungwon furrowed at the guy while pushing his face away.

“Neither. You don’t understand.” He sighed once again.

“Why?”

“It’s not _why_ but…” Hyngwon’s eyes found Minhyuk’s. 

“How would you feel like if he and me…” His speech trailed off into an indistinguishable murmur.

“Hmm?” Minhyuk was all ears.

Hyungwon started to say something but then caught himself and in the end, abandoned the idea.

“Nah, it’s nothing.” He pulled his knees to his chest on the couch, wiggling toes of his bare feet. 

“I guess you’re tired.” Minhyuk patted the taller guy on the shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday to the soft bun Changkyun. 
> 
> I wish I could post something cheerful on this day but there was nothing I wanted to write as a one-shot...not that it would be any good.


	29. Hoseok pt.1

“What are you doing?” 

Hoseok stopped in the middle of the hallway, looking at Minhyuk and Hyungwon coolly, sleep was still in his eyes.

“Nothing.” Hyungwon was staring at him back in a bored manner.

The older guy arched an eyebrow and silently went to sit next to Hyungwon, pulling his legs in the same position as the taller guy did. His head falling on Hyungwon’s shoulder.

“I will get another coffee, anyone?” Minhyuk leaped to his feet and motioned towards the door.

“Me,” Hoseok said without changing his position.

“Won?” Minhyuk looked at Hyungwon who just shook his head.

* * *

The TV was quietly broadcasting a weather forecast while Hoseok was listening to Hyungwon’s heartbeat that was pounding rather fast.

“What’s wrong?” He asked after another silence.

Hyungwon didn’t make any reply.

“Do you remember the time of No Mercy?” Hoseok half-whispered while leaning against the back of the couch.

Hyungwon turned to look at Hoseok’s face but he was blankly staring at the TV.

“Of course, why?”

“Who would you choose between me and Changkyunnie back then?” He was still blankly staring at the TV.

“What kind of question is it?” Hyungwon shifted uncomfortably.

“Who?”

Hyungwon harshly sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

“It was you and Minhyuk back then. I had no one but you two back then. Why do you have to ask it this way?”

“And now?” Hoseok’s eyes found Hyungwon’s. “Who would you choose now?”

Hyungwon was looking for at least 10 seconds, turning to look at the TV next.

“What has gotten onto you? I love all of you.” He uncomfortably moved slightly away.

“It’s Changkyun, isn’t it?”

Hyungwon immediately turned to look at Hoseok.

“W-what?” He was quickly blinking.

“Do you like him?”

“W-w-what?”

Hoseok watched Hyungwon swallow.

“Are you two dating or something?” Hoseok was sleepily looking at Hyungwon’s wild expression.

Hyungwon squeezed his eyes tight shut then reopened them. He had gotten very white. “So you know.”

“Are you? Really?” Hoseok asked surprised.

“Yeah,” Hyungwon turned to look at Hoseok’s perplexed reaction. “Aren’t you curious? Do you want to ask anything?”

“You go first.” Hoseok turned to his left to look out the window. The rain had stopped and first rays of morning sun entered a spacious living room.

“How did you find out? Is it that obvious?” Hyungwon mumbled while crossing his ankle on his knee.

Hoseok turned to look at it discretely. The taller guy's foot was trembling violently as if it had a life of its own. 

Hoseok thought Hyungwon wouldn’t notice him looking but soon he put a hand on it to still it. 

“Small things, really.” Hoseok turned to look out the window again. 

“You bend over attentively when he speaks. He is often the recipient of your frequent smiles. At moments like these, I thought there was a side of you I was unaware of. At moments like these I thought, is it possible you were attracted to Chang..”

Hoseok didn’t get to finish his sentence because as soon as he met Hyungwon’s eyes he felt as if all the air was sucked out of his lungs. The taller guy looked extremely vulnerable and it made Hoseok feel uncomfortable. As if he was hurt as well. 

“You can be pretty ignorant to those of no interest.” Hoseok looked away again. “However, once you lay eyes on something or someone you can be very persistent.”

“Okay.” Hyungwon whispered while leaning against the couch. “Okay.” He repeated while covering his eyes with his forearm.

“So what’s your answer? Are you okay with it?”

“I am not sure yet...” Hoseok answered faster than he anticipated. “...but I cannot do anything even if I rather you not dated, right?” He threw back his head and laughed while pushing Hyungwon on the left side. “Cheer up.”

Hyungwon turned to scrutinize Hoseok, his eyes looking for something meaningful. 

“I thought...” He was looking Hoseok straight in the eye. “...I thought you would not mind us. I guess you have your reasons.” He sighed, his face was still white as a sheet.

“Nevertheless, I am glad you know. Please don’t say anyone just yet. We will come clean at the first opportunity.” Hyungwon stood up and meant to leave but Hoseok grabbed him by the wrist.

“Don’t get me wrong. I am not against... I am not against, it’s just.” Hoseok was looking at Hyungwon while biting his lower lip.

“It’s okay.” Hyungwon put his right hand on top of Hoseok’s. It was visibly trembling. 

“I understand.” He patted his hand twice and after freeing himself, walked stiffly away while Minhyuk entered with two cups of coffee.

“Where are you going?” Minhyuk asked the taller guy who left without a word.

“What’s wrong with him?” Minhyuk wondered while extending a cup of coffee.

“I don’t know.” The older guy nervously laughed.


	30. Fazed

Hyungwon pulled out a packet of cigarettes from his pocket. 

He was standing on the porch of the house, the morning light was bright but the frost was biting his cheeks. 

He flicked one cigarette out of the pack and slowly lit it up. 

For the longest moment, he was standing motionlessly, a cigarette hanging loosely from the lips.

The entrence door opened outwards and a sleepy voice mumbled: “What the hell are you doing?” 

Hyungwon turned around. Changkyun was rubbing his left eye while his other hand was hanging loosely on the doorknob.

“Come.” The taller guy pulled the maknae by the hand. He positioned him in front of him, wrapping Changkyun in his long oversized, padded coat.

“It’s cold and you smell of cigarettes.” Changkyun whined, his teeth chattering. 

“I am sorry.” He blew the smoke out while letting the cigarette fall on the ground. He wrapped his hands around Changkyun’s waist shortly after.

“Kihyun hyung will bark mad at you if you litter. Who is going to clean it?” The maknae half-turned to look at the older guy but he buried his face in the crook of his neck, pulling him closer.

“What are you doing?” Changkyun's voice chuckled.

“He knows. Hoseok knows.” Hyungwon nudged into the maknae’s bony shoulder next, trying to find a more comfortable position.

Changkyun first stiffened but relaxed in a little while. 

“It’s okay.” The maknae searched for Hyungwon’s head with his right hand, ruffling his hair shortly after.

“The weather is nice.” Changkyun said while putting his hands in his pockets.

Hyungwon looked up through squinted eyes. He slowly let go of Changkyun’s waist as he straightened up and checked his watch. 

“It’s late.” He yawned and shuffled inside the house.

Changkyun followed him in a leisured manner. 

Hyungwon disappeared in one of the bathrooms while he was walking on the wooden floors of the house that changed into the white tile of the kitchen.

“Good morning,” it was Minhyuk.

“Yo,” Changkyun noticed both Minhyuk and Hoseok going through the insides of the fridge.

“Are you hungry?” It was Hoseok.

Changkyun studied him for the briefest moment.

“A little bit.” He started to walk where the other two were standing.

“What about Hyungwon?” Minhyuk was still rummaging through the fridge.

“He went to take a shower.” Changkyun leaned over Minhyuk to take a closer look.

“A-ha.” Minhyuk exclaimed while pulling out a white box.

“What’s that?” 

“Chicken.” Minhyuk grinned while putting it on the kitchen counter.

“How old is that?” Changkyun carefully opened it to inspect the insides.

“Two or three days.” It was Hoseok.

“I’ll go and change. Don’t eat everything.” Minhyuk dashed out of the kitchen.

Changkyun moved the stool and sat behind the kitchen counter. Hoseok did the same.

* * *

“Are you okay?” Hoseok asked in a habitual way. A faint smile appeared on his face.

“Why?” Changkyun looked up from his phone.

“Hyungwon didn’t say anything?”

“He did. We can talk about our feelings later when the rest knows.” The maknae started to eat the inside of his cheek.

Hoseok sighed. “Sure.”

“Why? Is something wrong?” The younger guy slightly tilted his head to the right.

“I am not sure.” Hoseok avoided his eyes and turned to look out the window. He does it often these days.

“Is it the same manner you talked to Hyungwon? He looked like a ghost.” Changkyun clicked his tongue.

“Changkyun-ah.” Hoseok looked at the maknae. “Watch what you’re saying.”

“Did I say something wrong? I thought you would be one of the people who would unconditionally support us.”

“Hyungwon said the same.” Hoseok mumbled.

“I understand you are confused, but please come to terms with it. You know how Hyungwon is. His personality can be a pain in the ass. I wouldn’t be surprised if he is going around in circles, thinking about useless things at the moment.” Changkyun sighed and dragged a hand over his face.

“Give yourself time to let it sink in. Give us time to talk to the rest. I am ready to understand your feelings, whether they are accepting or not but please, do not think you’re the only one hurting.” 

Changkyun stood up and patted the older guy's shoulder. Hoseok's face was clouded with the effort of thinking.

Without waiting for a reply, the maknae went to take a shower.

_“Hurting?"_

_"Am I hurting?”_ Hoseok kept on mulling the word inside his mind.


	31. Hoseok pt.2

Hoseok raised a coffee cup to his mouth. From the kitchen table, he looked out at the small garden in front of their house. 

It was snowing the whole night and everything appeared extremely white, extremely bright in the morning sunlight. 

And especially Hyungwon. He also appeared bright. He didn’t understand why. 

Hyungwon is not the person who looks bright unless he wants to and it happens anytime but early morning. 

He looks gray, sickly and zombie-like in the mornings. 

“What is going on?”

Hoseok took another sip of coffee while watching Hyungwon stalking around the garden, dragging his feet and making shapes in the fresh, untouched snow. 

He was preoccupied, smoking a cigarette and the thought that he might turn around and notice him filled Hoseok with unexplainable anxiety.

He turned away from the window and finished his coffee in long mindless gulps.

* * *

“What are you thinking about?”

It was Hyungwon who was standing in his long, black coat by the doors, cheeks red. 

Hoseok slowly blinked at him and then turned to look at his empty cup. 

“Nothing,” He cleared his throat and turned towards the sink.

“Is there any coffee left?” Hyungwon asked while approaching Hoseok.

“Yeah.”

Hyungwon took a cup and poured himself some coffee. After the first sip, he grimaced while sticking his tongue out.

Hoseok laughed.

“Jooheon made it. It’s strong, isn’t it?”

“Extremely,” Hyungwon looked inside his cup.

“Add some sugar and milk.”

Hyungwon was rummaging through the cardboards when Hoseok almost made him spill the jar of sugar.

“When did you start dating?” Hoseok’s voice was calm and quiet.

Hyungwon put the sugar inside the coffee and started to stir the liquid. 

“A month or so ago.” He mumbled under his breath.

“You don’t even remember?” Hoseok’s laughter was not mocking but amused, almost childlike. 

“Yeah, I remember why it happened though.” He turned to look at Hoseok. His gaze was steady and serious.

Hoseok looked away. He started to chew on his lower lip. 

“Why did he even ask?”

Hyungwon stopped dissolving the sugar and put the spoon down. 

He quickly glanced at the shorter yet broader figure whose hair was still a mess. 

Hyungwon smiled to himself and made a single step to shorten the distance, wrapping his long arms around Hoseok’s neck leaning his whole body on the older guy.

“What are you doing?” Hoseok whined as Hyungwon relaxed completely, letting Hoseok carry his whole weight.

“You’ve been absent-minded recently.” Hyungwon blew into Hoseok’s ear and the older guy felt a pang in his heart.

“Stop overthinking and just be yourself. We are not any different. I don’t want you to be awkward with me. It’s enough it took you three years to get comfortable with Changkyun.” He quietly snorted. 

“Hey!” Hoseok exclaimed a protest and he started to say something but in the end, abandoned the idea and just sighed.

“I want a drink.” He patted Hyungwon’s left arm that was hanging close to his chest.

“We can go somewhere in the evening. Only the two of us if you want to.” Hyungwon’s voice was more energetic than mere seconds ago. 

He let go of Hoseok and straightened up, picked the cup next.

“ _The two of us_.” Hoseok repeated twice before something clicked in his mind.

“Well shit.” He turned to look at Hyungwon who was sipping his coffee as he felt the gear rotating in his mind.

He winked at Hoseok with both of his eyes and Hoseok finally understood what was weighing on his mind. 

He finally did and he wished the feelings he put a name to did not exist.

* * *

The doorbell rang.

“It must be Changkyun and Jooheon.” Hyungwon said while putting the cup on the table but Hoseok was already on the way to open the door.

A few moments later all three of them materialized in the kitchen. 

Hoseok put one of the bags on the kitchen counter when he noticed the way Hyungwon looked at the maknae. 

The way he smiled hit him like a wedge into an opening he had forgotten to seal.

" _Should have known, now I feel insane. Am I insane?_ "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't mean to create a love triangle.
> 
> At the very beginning, I thought the feelings would hold a different character... Nevertheless, it's not what you might think. I will try to make it more detailed in the next couple of chapters unless I lose my train of thought. lol~ 
> 
> I hope people do not mind too much that the narration switches from person to person...It's Hyungkyun centered but I figured sometimes it's better to write from a different angle. 
> 
> Kihyun will make a grand entrance soon...I feel bad. I think he had only 2 cameos till now.


	32. He is not me

The place they ended up wasn’t too far away from their home – around twenty minutes on foot.

It was neither remarkable for its food nor drinks but it was quiet and peaceful.

A lady in her 40s came to take an order.

She looked at them – Hyungwon’s blond hair and Hoseok’s sporty but extravagant wear. She was openly staring at Hyungwon’s white hair.

Hoseok glanced at her and fixed her with one of his warmest smiles. He had a way with waitresses. They hovered over him and went through all sorts of troubles on his behalf.

When she was gone to fix their order Hyungwon leaned back in his chair, amusedly watching Hoseok.

The older guy’s left hand found its way to the back of the neck, turning to his left next. A mild embarrassment was written all over his face.

It was quiet. Hoseok was preoccupied with depressing thoughts while Hyungwon was on his fourth drink.

Hoseok looked at the guy opposite him. His cheeks had a rosy undertone as he sleepily looked inside his glass.

“Why did we come here?” He thought to himself while watching at his half untouched drink, swirling the liquid with a straw.

It was way past midnight.

Hyungwon’s vision swam. He closed his eyes. He sat for a long time half dozing until he became aware that Hoseok was calling his name.

“Hey.”

He sluggishly opened his eyes and a pair of glassy ones was fixed on his.

“We better go home, it’s late.” Hoseok said while searching for his wallet.

“We overdid it.” Hyungwon plastered himself on the table, supporting his face with his left hand.

* * *

About two in the morning, back in their house Hyungwon was shivering in the living room.

The walk made his cheeks go beet red from the cold.

“Do you want some tea?” Hoseok asked while helping him to take the coat off.

Hyungwon hummed while shaking his head violently, snow was still in his hair.

They drank their tea. For a long time, it was silent.

Hoseok was looking at Hyungwon.

The other guy obliviously was looking outside the window where big, feathery snowflakes were swirling in the dim of street lightning.

He was hardly a meter away. He could extend his hand and reach out if he wanted to.

After another minute of silence, Hoseok reached and slightly touched one of Hyungwon’s locks.

It made the other guy quickly turn around. Hyungwon was watching him, clueless.

Hoseok took a deep breath. Then he closed his eyes and took the hand away, leaning back in the couch as if he had been _shot_.

“Are you alright?” Hyungwon put the cup away and shifted closer to Hoseok.

The older guy sharply exhaled as he stood up.

“Come, let’s go to bed.” He extended the hand and Hyungwon took it.

“Bony.” Hoseok thought.

“Bony and big.”

Hoseok helped him up. He was unsteady on his feet.

“Do you need help? He raised an eyebrow at a younger guy.

“That’s enough embarrassment for one day.” Hyungwon giggled while bending over at the Hoseok’s eye level.

“Close” Hoseok thought. “Too close”

“You reek of whiskey.” He pushed his smiling face away.

“Sorry.” Hyungwon turned away and grabbed his phone from the couch.

“If you excuse me.” The younger guy's smile was dreamy.

Hoseok watched him unsteadily totter out of the room.

He stood there for a moment, thinking of nothing in particular.

He then slowly motioned towards his bedroom but as soon as he saw Hyungwon and Changkyun by Hyungwon's room he hid behind the corner but watched the other two nevertheless.

* * *

"Jesus, Hyungwon. Why are you so drunk?"

Changkyun whispered sleepily while brushing Hyungwon's hair behind his ears.

"I don't know." He giggled while wrapping his arms around the maknae's waist.

"Stop."

"Don't wanna." The older guy mumbled.

"Come on, give me a kiss."

"What if someone sees." Changkyun rumbled but nevertheless he wrapped his hands around Hyungwon's neck and leaned in to kiss him right in the mouth.

"Now go to bed." He said while pulling back.

"Night, Changkyun-ahh" The taller guy sang and disappeared behind the doors.

The maknae sleepily smiled and went towards the bathroom.

Hoseok was glued to the spot for a long time.

"Yeah, I knew I shouldn't have eavesdropped." He tiredly dragged a hand over his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why I wrote this.


	33. Believe till the end

The sky has turned black when Hoseok started towards the home. 

He spent his day off with his mother. He was content and calm until he found Hyungwon and Changkyun watching a movie in the living room. 

Hyungwon seemed paler than usual. He was about to make a joke of him when Changkyun looked his way and their eyes met for a second. 

It made him feel uncomfortable. He left without a word.

Hoseok went to the kitchen and put the fish in the steamer. 

He cut the vegetables and put the rice into a rice cooker. 

After turning the heat on low and setting a timer he pulled a beer from the fridge and sat by the table. 

And while he was doing these things he was thinking about Hyungwon, about himself and the things that were missing in their relationship. 

He didn’t regret anything but 

“Was it normal that his insides started to twitch and his breath started to hitch whenever he came near? 

Was it normal to confess things he could never tell anyone else but Hyungwon?”

“No, it’s not” He whispered while taking a sip of his drink.

“What is not?” Kihyun was standing at the doors with his arms crossed. He was wearing a weird expression.

“What’s with that look?” Hoseok asked while tracing his thumb over a neck of the glass bottle. 

“Have you seen these two?” He pointed behind him. 

Hoseok suspected it was about Hyungwon and Changkyun.

“What about them?”

“They are acting weird or different. I am not sure yet.” Kihyun went to sit opposite to Hoseok.

Hoseok’s gaze was studying Kihyun. “Does he know or he has a feeling but cannot figure it out?”

“I didn’t notice anything.” He said while taking another sip.

“You must be blind then.” Kihyun ran a hand through his hair as he stood up again and went to check on the food.

“I will take it from here.” He said putting the vegetables in a stir-fry and searching for the seasoning at the same time. 

“Gather everyone in 20 minutes.” He continued to rummage through the kitchen.

“Okay,” Hoseok mumbled and went to find Minhyuk in his room.

“Min.” He called when he entered without a knock.

The other guy turned around, irritated.

“Knock next time.” He switched his attention back to the canvas.

“Sorry. The food will be ready in 20 minutes.”

“Fine.” The taller guy waved a hand as if to shoo Hoseok away. So he did, gently closing the door behind.

In the end, he joined the other two in the living room. He didn’t want to avoid them, make things awkward.

He sat next to Hyungwon, closer to the french window as he took his phone out and typed a message to Jooheon to ask where he was.

“Is Kihyun cooking?” Hyungwon turned to look at Hoseok.

“Yeah.”

“Is Hyunwoo hyung and zagiya coming for dinner?” 

“Seems like it.” Hoseok was reading a message from Jooheon that both he and Hyunwoo were on their way back home.

“Alright.” Hyungwon yawned while stretching out.

“Are you okay? You look pale.” Hoseok slightly turned to look his way.

Hyungwon stole a glance at Hoseok.

“Don’t worry.” He bubbly smiled while gently punching him in the shoulder.

At this Changkyun reached over and touched Hyungwon's hand that was resting on the couch next to him, hesitantly and gently. 

And for a fleeting moment, a tiny wisp of time Hyungwon felt shudder down his spine. 

Their eyes locked and he realized once again how special Changkyun was. 

Hoseok turned to look out the window. The sky grew even darker and the moon rose higher. 

He was sitting right next to Hyungwon but they were so far away from each other. 

While three of them were sitting in the living room Hoseok drifted in his thoughts. 

He was worried, yes. He was worried about the feelings that have taken place over his body and mind. The way they stirred his insides. 

He tried to deny them, hide from them but now he realized he didn’t want to stop them.

The moment he came to this conclusion he felt like a huge weight has been lifted off of his chest.

He smiled to himself as he silently stood up.

"We should go before Kihyun will start looking for us." 

He motioned towards the kitchen without waiting for the response.

"Food." Changkyun excitedly exclaimed as he leaped to his feet.

Hyungwon caught the younger guy by the arm. He quietly stood up while maknae raised his eyebrow.

"Make sure you sit next to me." He softly spoke as he wrapped his hand around his shoulder and lead the way towards the kitchen.

Changkyun meant to say something but in the end, refrained to.

"Move bitch, get out da way." Minhyuk sang while pushing through Hyungwon and Changkyun as he vanished in the kitchen.

Two of them sat next to each other. Hyungwon ended up next to Hoseok. 

Minhyuk sat opposite to Changkyun, already munching on something.

"Go and wash your hands." Kihyun grumbled at Minhyuk. "You smell of paint and you're all dirty." 

Minhyuk clicked his tongue but nonetheless listened.

At this Hyungwon heard the entrance door open and shut, Hyunwoo and Jooheon entering the kitchen a moment later.

"You're on time." Kihyun said without turning their way.

"I am so hungry." It was Hyunwoo.

"I am starving." Jooheon put the shopping bag on the kitchen counter.

Hyungwon silently sat by the table, gathering his strength.

_Now or never._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Minhyuk is not a meanie but that song popped in my mind...and I couldn't help but imagine hungry Minhyuk pushing through to get to the kitchen first. 🤔😂


	34. Pull the trigger

Hyungwon’s memory of the dinner is very foggy. 

He hardly ate. Due to all the adrenaline that was released in his bloodstream, he felt high. But even his dopey state couldn’t dull all the panic that was filling his entire body. 

However, Changkyun was there. 

He was the only thing that kept him at bay, the only reason he didn’t run away. 

When most of the food was eaten and small talk started around the table Hyungwon took it as a sign.

“Does anyone care to have a beer with me?” Hyunwoo said eyeing the fridge.

“I and Changkyun are dating.” Hyungwon said a second later fast and loud, his eyes shut.

After a moment too long he opened his eyes and looked at Changkyun whose mouth was wide open. 

He then looked around the table. 

Jooheon had a similar reaction to Changkyun. His eyes got wide and his mouth fell open into a small round ‘o.’ 

Kihyun looked suspicious while Minhyuk and Hyunwoo were blankly looking at the taller guy.

“Do I know her?” It was Minhyuk. 

Hyungwon was surprised at the excitement of his voice. However, it made him feel even worse.

“No, you don’t understand.” Hyungwon harshly sighed.

“Me and him.” As he pointed with his index finger of his right hand. “I and Changkyun are dating.” 

He stole a quick look at the maknae and he could see a mixture of despair and betrayal in his eyes. He felt bad but he didn’t regret it.

“Huh?” It was Jooheon.

“Hold up.” He put the chopsticks aside. 

“Are you trying to say…” He was looking straight at Hyungwon. 

The taller guy knew what Jooheon wanted to ask. He knew but he was scared to say it out loud.

“Yes, we are in a romantic relationship.” Hyungwon finished the sentence instead of Jooheon and received an immediate response.

Kihyun and Minhyuk loudly gasped. 

Jooheon did it silently but since Hyungwon’s eyes were trained on him he knew he didn’t take it well. 

Hyunwoo, on the other hand, was completely tranquil, only his eyebrows were arched. More because of a surprise than anything else.

Hyungwon then quickly looked at Hoseok who was attentively looking at him. The faintest smile was playing on his lips. 

But when he turned to look at Changkyun, his heart squeezed in pain. His gaze was helpless, his face white as chalk.

“I am sorry, I-” the maknae mumbled but Hyungwon kicked him in the anklebone.

Changkyun turned to look at the older guy. And even though Hyungwon didn’t look any better - blood drained from his face and he was fiercely biting on his lower lip, but he shook his head as if to say 'it’s alright' to the maknae.

Hyungwon took the younger guy’s hand under the table and squeezed it in reassurance. 

The atmosphere was heavy but Hyungwon didn’t regret one bit. 

Kihyun cleared his voice and mumbled something like “How long?”

“One and a half months.” Changkyun outran Hyungwon.

There was another dead silence.

“Anyone cares for a beer?” Hoseok asked in a clear voice.

“I need a shot.” Changkyun whispered to which Hyungwon snorted. 

Everyone except Hoseok and Changkyun glanced at Hyungwon. 

“Come on, guys.” Hoseok said.

At last Hyunwoo cleared his voice and said with a rasping sound “Sure, let’s have a drink.”

All seven of them moved to the living room with 2 six-packs of beers. 

Hoseok opened two cans for Hyungwon and Changkyun first. 

Hyunwoo opened one for Minhyuk while Kihyun opened one for Jooheon.

Hyungwon was sipping on his beer while Changkyun was gulping down the substance.

“Hey,” Hyungwon nudged at the maknae.

“Slow down.”

Changkyun didn’t seem to listen because he didn’t stop until he emptied two-thirds of the can.


	35. In Joy and Sorrow

Hyunwoo took a sip of his beer. 

"So..." He finally managed.

Hyungwon’s ears perked up as he turned to look straight at Hyunwoo. 

In the right corner of his eye, he could see a weirded out Jooheon and Kihyun who has surprisingly lacked any sort of emotion on his face.

“So...” Hyungowon copied and he wished to sound nonchalant but his heart was beating fast, his mouth went dry and he knew his voice sounded eerie. He swallowed.

“It’s none of my business who you date but…” Hyunwoo stopped to take a sip of his drink “...I am not sure if I should be supportive if it’s you two.”

“Why?” Hyungwon asked as he crossed his ankle over his knee and unconsciously put his right thumb to his mouth.

“I don’t know, it’s just a gut feeling.” Hyunwoo shrugged and Hyungwon started to bite on the skin.

“Don’t let it upset you. I am just surprised.” Hyunwoo said after another gulp of his drink but Hyungwon’s leg was already furiously shaking.

Changkyun reached for another bottle and opened it. 

“You’ve been lying this whole time.” It was Kihyun.

“Ki.” Minhyuk yelped at the guy.

“We lied out of necessity, not from disposition or inclination. We confessed, is it not good enough?” 

Hyungwon fixed him with a cold stare. 

Kihyun was about to respond in a snarky way, he didn’t like the way Hyungwon looked at him. 

However, the moment his eyes landed on the taller's trembling leg, he decided to let it go. 

In the end, he just nodded in agreement.

Changkyun was about to reach for the third can of beer when Hyungwon grabbed him by the wrist.

“Stop.” He whispered but the maknae tore himself loose and reached for it anyway.

“You had to warn me.” He whispered. His voice wasn’t kind.

“I am sorry.” Hyungwon whispered back in a helpless way.

The room was silent and no matter how quiet they spoke Hoseok could hear them pretty well.

“No, you are not.” He hissed.

“Changkyun, are you upset?” It was Minhyuk, he has been rather quiet until now. 

The maknae fixed his eyes on him. His gaze was cool and dispassionate. 

“No. Why would I?” He barked back as he stood up.

“Hey.” Hyungwon leaped to his feet and followed the maknae who burst out the room.

Hyungwon was at the doors when he turned around to look at the other five.

“Umm.” 

He looked away as he gripped a wooden doorframe. 

“I cannot dictate your feelings and I understand why you find us weird but…” 

He locked eyes with Hoseok “If you…” 

His eyes moved to Kihyun “..hurt him, I’ll be disappointed in you.” 

He then turned to look at Jooheon and Hyunwoo.

“Go after him.” It was Minhyuk.

“Don’t wait for us.” Hyungwon looked around the room for the last time and disappeared in the hallway.

“Changkyun.” Hyungwon entered his room. 

“I hate you.” The maknae mumbled. He was sitting on the edge of the bed in a completely dark room.

For a fraction of second, Hyungwon felt what he thought was heartbreak. 

He entered dark room and went to sit next to him. 

He probed bed and Changkyun’s lap until he found a maknae’s hand and squeezed it.

“I didn’t want to make you worried.” He whispered in a shaky voice.

Changkyun stayed silent. 

“Let’s go for a ride.” Hyungwon said while looking into the darkness of the room.

Changkyun sniffled. Hyungwon took it as a sign of agreement.

When both of them were almost at the doors Changkyun murmured.

“They’ll hate us.” 

“They won’t.” Hyungwon turned around to give his boyfriend a brief hug. 

“They won’t, I promise.”


	36. Silver moonlight

Once out of the house, they walked slowly, extremely puzzled, an undertow of anxiety tugging at their thoughts. 

The air was cool on Hyungwon’s skin, almost crisp. 

He turned to his right to steal a glance at Changkyun. 

His eyes were vacantly looking forward. His walk was stiff and deep circles of red burned high on his bright cheeks.

It was a foggy and dark night. Hyungwon looked directly at the black sky. He took a couple of deep breaths, smelling the frost.

“You look like a lost ghost when you’re confused, Changkyun-ah.” Hyungwon spoke softly.

He reached for the maknae’s hand that rested in the pocket of his jacket and gently squeezed it. 

“Don’t give me that. I am still mad.” Changkyun mumbled, tightening Hyungwon’s hand in his pocket. 

“Why?”

“Why?” Changkyun turned to look in disbelief as his voice rose with a hysterical edge.

They locked their eyes.

“Yeah, why? Don’t you feel relieved? “

“M-maybe but…” 

“Don’t cry, don’t resent yourself. It’s time to move forward.” 

“Who is crying?” Changkyun asked in a slightly embarrassed voice.

“No? I thought you were about to a while ago.” 

Hyungwon chuckled and the maknae turned to look at the taller guy in order to tell him off but the moment he saw his cheeky smile he sighed.

“This evening has driven me half-mad. I was very nearly at the end of my rope.” Changkyun’s voice was gentle. 

“Yeah.” Hyungwon nodded.

For the next couple of blocks, they were walking in complete silence. 

The depression has taken a toll on both of them just a couple of hours ago, but now it seemed different. 

They could see signs of prosperity beginning to work their ways back. 

The night wasn’t as dark and the air wasn’t as heavy anymore.

They strolled by the Han River and went to the night market. 

Back in Changkyun’s studio, Hyungwon was sitting on the couch, looking at the plastic box in front of him.

He bought dumplings on reflex and now that the box was sitting in front of him he wondered if Jooheon would eat them at all. 

Changkyun was sitting at the table, finishing some of the work. As he was spinning in his chair his gaze stopped on Hyungwon.

The other guy was blankly looking at the same spot. Very typical of him.

Hyungwon's black shirt was unbuttoned at the top. 

His sleeves were rolled up too. 

There’s something about Hyungwon. 

Changkyun couldn’t think of anyone else who remotely resembled him. 

He was calm but complicated, more weird than normal yet it was a strangely erotic combination to Changkyun. 

On the surface, he was a beauty with a distant look in his eyes but there was so much more to him.

“What are you thinking about?”

Changkyun jumped in his chair as Hyungwon’s soft voice brought him back to reality.

“Good things” He replied when they locked their eyes.

The older guy sheepishly smiled as he ran a hand through his hair. As if he knew what Changkyun was thinking about. 

Hyungwon patted a spot next to him and the maknae went to sit beside him, resting his head on Hyungwon’s shoulder. 

It felt so right to be there. 

Hyungwon brushed some strands of hair away from Changkyun’s face.

Changkyun lifted his head off of his shoulder, he looked at him with hazy eyes, his eyelashes fluttering and Hyungwon kissed him softly on the lips. 

The younger guy brought his hand to his face and touched his cheek, brushing it softly with his fingers. 

Hyungwon deepened the kiss as he ran his fingers down Changkyun’s neck.

He kissed his cheeks, his eyelids, his neck. Changkyun sensed a lingering feeling wherever Hyungwon touched.

Without saying a word, Changkyun started to unbutton his shirt. 

With each button, Hyungwon could feel Changkyun’s fingers brushing his skin. 

Wherever he touched gave him a burning sensation. 

He then started to slide his hand over Hyungwon’s chest, touching him, exploring him. 

He leaned in to kiss his neck as he pulled the shirt over Hyungwon’s shoulder. 

Changkyun looked up and Hyungwon reached for his lips, kissing him sensually. 

He lifted Changkyun’s sweatshirt and nibbled on his neck.

They undressed each other slowly, carefully. 

At last, when their naked bodies came together, Hyungwon dragged his tongue down the maknae’s neck while his hands moved on his sides. Both of them were trembling. 

Hyungwon kissed him teasingly all over his body. 

He did it until Changkyun couldn’t take it anymore. 

When he entered him Changkyun pressed his fingers in Hyungwon’s back. 

He buried his face in his neck as he started to rhythmically move. 

It went on and on, both of them were hot and sticky. Their breaths were hitched. 

_They couldn't get enough of each other._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the story is pretty rocky but...okay, I have no excuses.
> 
> However, since today is Valentine's I tried to make it sweet~ 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it.
> 
> P.S. Did you listen to the newest album? She's the one and Misbehave gotta be my favs.🤪


	37. Minhyuk

In the morning Changkyun woke up sore and disoriented to the sound of loose shutter banging somewhere. 

The rain was lashing the windows in heavy, rhythmic waves. 

He blinked the sleep away and turned to his side only to meet a pair of excited, no other word would describe it better eyes.

Minhyuk was sitting on his bed but when he locked eyes with Changkyun he leaped to his feet. 

He first stood in front of the maknae but soon crouched down, a Cheshire cat’s smile playing on his lips.

“What is it?” 

Changkyun sat up and rubbed his eyes.

He had a mild headache. 

He and Hyungwon came back late. 

He desperately needed at least another 3 hours of sleep.

“So it was Hyungwon-ah who left that mark on you.” Minhyuk ran a hand to the side of his neck. 

“I would never guess he is a biter.” His voice was loud and eager.

“So, who is a pitcher and who is a catcher?” He kept on babbling. 

“What?” 

Changkyun turned to look at Minhyuk. His head was buzzing.

“You know, seme or uke.” He smirked.

“Huh?” 

“Gosh, Changkyun-ah you have no imagination. I am asking who is a top and who is a bottom in your relationship.” 

Changkyun’s jaw slightly dropped for the shortest moment.

“I am not having that conversation with you.” He ran a hand through his hair.

“Okay, I’ll ask Hyungwon.”

“D-don’t” Changkyun wanted to say, but he was interrupted.

“But who confessed first? I bet it’s you. 

Hyungwon is such a slowpoke. 

Why do you even like him? 

Have you seen him? 

He is either asleep or practices to pass for a zombie if an apocalypse happens.”

Minhyuk carried on with his garrulous habits but when Changkyun gathered his thoughts he locked his eyes on the older guy.

“Minhyuk, Hyungwon is a good person and you know it.” He gave a pained smile.

Minhyuk opened and then closed his mouth. He gaped like a fish for a few moments before he could finally relax.

“Yes.” He chuckled.

“Yes, I know. He has a lovable personality.” He rubbed behind his ear.

“I just didn’t know both of you are into guys. I guess I am a little surprised, that’s it.” This time the laugh came out nervous.

“I know.” Changkyun looked out the window. A gush of wind made a howling sound.

“I know it’s weird but I’ve liked him for a long time. I made all sorts of excuses, amends.” He started to fumble with his fingers. 

“I pretended I was wrong. That I confuse these feelings with something else. I hated him. I hated myself. I tried everything.” Changkyun’s voice was low and raspy. 

“I felt alone in this suffocating vacuum where I was one on one with myself and my mistakes. You can condemn me, despise me but even if you guys do not want us together I won’t give up Hyungwon unless his feelings change.” 

Changkyun’s rambling bass swirled something within Minhyuk. He reached for the maknae’s hands that moved chaotically. 

“It’s okay, Changgyun-ah.” He caressed his hands.

“Everything will be okay. We will come to understand your relationship. I love you and I want both of you to be happy.” 

Changkyun turned to look at the older guy. His uneven blink and bunny teeth made the air a little lighter. He sighed in relief.

“But if you tell me who is on top I will love you even moree....Ouch.” Minhyuk whined as Changkyun smacked him in the head.

“Why did you do this?”

When Minhyuk started to laugh while rubbing the back of his head the door creaked and a sleepy Hyungwon walked in. 

His hair was a hot mess and extreme yawning made him shed a tear. 

“Oh.” He mouthed as he saw the other two. 

“I suppose you’re fine.” 

He turned on his heel and was about to leave when Minhyuk stood up and jumped on the taller guy. 

He grabbed him by the neck and the motion almost made him fall down.

“Where are you going?” He leaned to whisper in Hyungwon’s ear.

“Let me go.” The taller guy mumbled.

“Never.” Minhyuk chuckled but released Hyungwon nonetheless.

Changkyun silently crept out of bed and shuffled towards the door but Hyungwon caught him by the wrist.

“Morning.” He chummily smiled as he rubbed where his smiley tattoo was situated.

“Morning.” He leaned in to kiss him on the neck.

Minhyuk squealed.

„So does it mean..“ Minhyuk continued.

„Don't.“ Changkyun tried to look stern but failed miserably.

In the end, he left the bedroom and motioned towards the bathroom.

„I suppose we are good?“ Hyungwon asked as soon as the maknae was out of earshot.

„Yeah,“ Minhyuk nodded.

„Good, now I need coffee.“ Hyungwon half-whispered as he rubbed his left eye and started to walk away. 

„I’ll be watching you.“ Minhyuk said while closing the door of the bedroom and going after the taller guy.

„Why? Are you a terminator?“

Minhyuk laughed out loud while Hyungwon silently smiled to himself.


	38. Wild

No one heard Hyungwon when he turned the handle and entered the kitchen but when they did, all the chattering he could hear in the hall died out. 

For a fraction of second they were struck silent. Hyungwon’s face burnt under a collective gaze.

Jooheon was sitting in the windowsill, sipping on his coffee while Kihyun and Hoseok were sitting by the table. They emptied 2/3 of the box of dumplings. Hyunwoo was doing dishes. 

“Stop it.” Hyungwon whined when he saw Minhyuk hopping towards the table and stealing another dumpling, shoving it inside his mouth at once.

“I got it for Jooheon.” He closed the box when Hoseok was about to reach for another one.

“Don’t be stingy.” Kihyun slapped Hyungwon’s hand away and opened the box again.

“It’s okay.” Jooheon spoke for the first time and Hyungwon immediately looked his way. 

“I am not hungry.” His dimples were showing but neither his eyes nor his soul was smiling.

Hyungwon didn’t say anything. 

He watched him. 

He watched his bony, soft-skinned as a teenage girl’s hand slowly move up as he took a sip of his drink and down to his lap. 

Jooheon didn’t spare him a single glance. 

In the end, Hyungwon heaved a sigh and went to cut some cheese and bread. 

After making himself a cheese sandwich and pouring himself a cup of coffee he soundlessly shuffled towards the living room. 

Hoseok who managed to empty the contains of the box followed the taller guy shortly after, making Kihyun groan in frustration.

* * *

A couple of days later.

Dancing is a craft. 

Body and gravity are your tools. 

Hyungwon has always been most confident of his dancing. 

Half of the time he was in love, while the other 50% of the time he hated his body. 

He blamed it on his self-esteem and high standards most of the days. 

However, when it came to dancing he couldn’t deny the way his body moved in unison with music. 

Dancing and performing were his favorite parts of his work. 

Today is just not his day.

They had to wake up a little after 3 AM. They had a photoshoot at 5 AM and a performance at 7 PM.

Hyungwon was tired and sleep-deprived but he handled everything he needed to with little to no efforts. 

It was just another day, _or maybe not_. 

Their photoshoot went well. They warmed their bodies, changed their outfits and makeup was put on. 

Random people were coming and leaving while stylists and MUA’s running from one member to another, touching up on already caky foundations and rather heavy eyes.

Hyungwon stared at the mirror, squinting. 

“Did he look good?” 

He might have led his train of thoughts astray if someone didn't rush in and announced: “Stand by.” 

Everyone quit whatever they were doing and motioned towards the exit. 

The atmosphere has not returned to its norm among members but Hyungwon knew it wouldn’t be easy. 

It needed time. 

_Time heals all wounds._

* * *

The moment music started, Hyungwon leaped into the void. Some sort of parallel reality. 

He was there, but on the other hand, he wasn’t. 

The body moved on its own. 

It knew the routine by heart and most of the time it was only him and music. 

He thought he did great until he figured he was in trouble. 

They bowed to the audience and started to retreat backstage. 

Hyungwon dragged his feet reluctantly, eating the inside of his cheek. 

The other 6 turned to the left towards their dressing room while Hyungwon ran in the opposite direction, locking the door in one of the stalls in the bathroom.

Changkyun noticed him leaving. He wavered but in the end, he followed the taller guy.

Hyungwon was catching his breath while leaning against the wall, eyes closed. 

“Hyungwon-ah.” Changkyun called out as he entered the bathroom.

“What?” His voice was rush, irritated.

“Come out.” He laughed.

“No.”

“Then let me in.” He knocked on the only closed door.

“No.” Hyungwon hissed.

“It’s okay.” The maknae chuckled.

“It is not!” Hyungwon cried out as he opened the door. 

“Do you see this?” He pointed down to his crotch. 

“I haven’t noticed until the performance was over.” He rolled his eyes and meant to close the door again but Changkyun slipped in and closed the door behind.

“It’s okay.” The maknae backed Hyungwon against the wall, leaning on him next.

“You’re making things worse.” The taller guy grumbled. "Your smell is intoxicating." 

“Are you sure?” He leaned in to kiss his neck.

“P-p-positive.” He felt the younger guys hand on his crotch.

“I’ll help you out.” Changkyun closed the distance between them.

The kiss they shared was wet and hot.

Both of their bodies have not cooled off considering their performance ended less than 10 minutes ago.

Hyungwon was preoccupied with Changkyun’s neck while the maknae unzipped Hyungwon’s pants and took a hold of his erection. 

He rubbed on the tip, precum was making everything wet.

“What got you so excited?” Changkyun softly laughed as he started working on the problem that got them crammed inside a small bathroom stall in the first place. 

“Nothing.” Hyungwon protested.

“I was tired, okay?” He gruffed, squeezing the younger guy by the neck.

Changkyun kept up the pace as a taller guy gripped his hands around Changkyun’s waste.

“I-, I am close.” Hyungwon said breathily while locking his lips with Changkyun. 

Hyungwon came into Changkyun’s palm when they were in the middle of a sloppy kiss.

After Hyungwon zipped his pants and Changkyun wiped his hand, the older guy dropped his head on maknae’s shoulder followed by a slurred speech.

Changkyun was silently smiling to himself while playing with the older’s hair when he heard someone come in.

Neither of them moved.

It was silent for a moment. 

“What’s wrong with you?” It was Kihyun.

“Nothing.” Mumbled Jooheon.


	39. Hurricane

“There must be something. Is it them? Hyungwon and Changkyun? Are you worried about them?” Kihyun asked while washing his hands.

“Have you seen Hyungwon?”

“What about him? He did great. I do not think he made a single mistake.”

“He was hard.” Jooheon tried to sound neutral but failed miserably.

“Oh.” There was a pause. “I didn’t notice.”

“Well, I did.” Jooheon complained.

“So? It’s fine. It happens.” There was another pause.

“Jooheon, don’t tell me it bothers you because he and Changk…”

“I don’t know, okay? I just don’t like it.” He stomped out the bathroom with a bang.

Kihyun heaved a sigh and silently exited the bathroom a moment later.

Hyungwon and Changkyun stood there, glued to the spot for another couple of minutes. No one dared to say anything.

“I’ll go first.” Hyungwon mumbled and shuffled out. 

Changkyun followed a minute later but he wasn’t in the dressing room when the maknae entered.

* * *

Hoseok found Hyungwon standing in a corner of a staircase.

“What are you doing?” Hoseok asked as he leaped down the stairs until he was in front of Hyungwon who turned away.

“Nothing.” His voice was deadly.

“Have you seen our manager?” He asked while putting a hand on his shoulder.

“What’s wrong?” Hoseok felt the air sucked out his lungs when Hyungwon turned to look at him.

There were tears that rolled down Hyungwon’s face. 

He wasn’t sobbing or out of control. 

Hoseok has noticed that whenever he saw the younger guy cry he never got hysterical. 

He saw him cry multiple times. He was always inaudible but it was different this time. 

He felt the way his heart started chaotically beating. 

“What’s wrong? Are you hurt?” 

The younger guy shook his head while he averted his gaze to the wall.

Hoseok had an irresistible urge to comfort him.

He reached out and wanted to hug him but the taller guy slapped his hand away.

“Don’t touch me.” His voice was guilty.

Hoseok brushed the feeling of rejection off and waited until Hyungwon’s eyes dried out and his breathing came to the norm.

“So?” Hoseok pinched Hyungwon by the cheek. He tried hard to smile sincerely.

“You won’t understand.” The younger guy sniffled and was about to pass him by but Hoseok gripped his wrist forcefully.

“You’re hurting me.” Hyungwon looked at his hand.

“I won’t understand unless you tell me what’s wrong.” Hoseok gritted through his teeth. 

He never meant to be mean. 

He never meant to sound the way he does. 

He is hurt because Hyungwon is hurt.

He is hurt because Hyungwon rejects him.

Hoseok’s eyes were focused on Hyungwon’s face while the younger guy was staring at his hand.

“What?” He sniffled as he looked up.

“Are you going to bully me now?” His eyes became glassy again.

“Why the fuck not.” He tore himself loose and the first tear rolled down his cheek. 

“Go.” He grabbed Hoseok by the collar of his shirt.

“Go ahead.” He pushed him against the wall.

“Maybe we should ask the rest to join. I bet they will enjoy the show.” His cheeks have become wet again.

“I love you.” Hoseok mumbled while he stared at his feet.

“You are my family. What kind of nonsense are you blabbering?”

He looked up when he heard Hyungwon snort.

“Yeah, right.” He was smiling.

“Family” He huffed.

“You’re my home.” Hyungwon’s voice rose with a hysterical edge.

“All of you are my home or so I thought.” He smiled again and a lump started growing in the pit of Hoseok’s stomack.

“It’s too bad you cannot accept my love for Changkyun.” His gaze was steady, intense.

“N-no, I-...“ Hoseok stuttered.

“What do you mean by 'No'? You and Jooheon, tomorrow it’s going to be Kihyun. I am tired.” He abandoned the idea of everything he wanted to say. 

He turned on his heel and started to walk down the stairs.

“Hyungwon!” Hoseok yelled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It gets worse before it gets better.


	40. What have you done?

Hoseok’s life flashed before his eyes. 

His nerves were on edge. Something snapped in him.

“Hyungwon!” He yelled once again. 

When the reply didn't follow he ran down the stairs. He kept up with him one floor down.

Hyungwon was about to swing the door wide open but Hoseok shut it in front of his nose and took his hand in his.

“Come.” He tried to sound reasonable as he tugged him back upstairs.

“Let me go.” Hyungwon tried to shake his hand off but Hoseok’s grip got only tighter. 

He managed to tug Hyungwon to the floor where their dressing room is. 

He opened the door to the corridor. His grip was tight and walk steady.

“Let me fucking go.” Hyungwon hissed.

“Can you shut the fuck up at least for a second, Hyungwon?!” He gave him a side look while he kept on tugging him.

“What a twisted bastard.” Hyungwon snapped as he finally tore himself loose.

Hoseok turned around and inspected his expressions.

“What did you call me?” 

“Do I have to repeat myself?”

Hoseok turned around and stood in front of Hyungwon. The other guy didn’t move. His puffy eyes were scrutinizing the older guy.

“Do you want me to be truthful? Do you, Hyungwon-ah?” He leaned a little closer.

“If I tell you the truth you won’t be able to take it.” He leaned another inch or so.

“Because you are a freaking egoist and all you care about is you and your feelings. You don’t see further than your fucking nose.” He snorted.

“What are you talking about?” Hyungwon arched an eyebrow.

“I am sick and tired of your shit, Hyungwon. That’s what I am saying.”

Hyungwon turned away from Hoseok and closed his eyes for a brief moment. 

He then slightly pushed the older guy away as he lifted his left hand and pinched the bridge of his nose between thumb and forefinger.

Hoseok stared even more.

“Go.” Hyungwon whispered.

“I don’t care. Just go away.” He continued.

Hoseok harshly inhaled.

“You missed the whole point, haven’t you? If I wanted to leave I would have left by now. Can you think about someone other than yourself? At least for a moment?” He grabbed him by the collar and started to shake him. 

“Don’t touch me.” He pushed him away. 

“What are you doing?” Echoed from behind.

Both Hoseok and Hyungwon turned to look at Kihyun in unison.

The main vocalist looked exasperated. 

Hyungwon heaved a heavy sigh. He stole a glance at Hoseok who was red as a tomato and then at Kihyun who seemed to get angrier with every closer step. 

He swiftly made a u-turn and strolled to where their dressing room is. He saw Hoseok watch him leave but he didn’t care.

* * *

The room was hectic. Stylists and makeup artists were packing everything while managers were drilling Minhyuk and Changkyun.

Hyungwon sympathetically looked at his boyfriend who caught his eye but before the younger guy could do anything he grabbed his coat, backpack and headed for the door without sparing him a second look. 

Jooheon saw him swing the door wide open and not even a step outside the room he saw Kihyun grabbing him by the collar and closing the door with a clinging sound. 

The curiosity took over him. He sneaked out before the manager could take a hold of him and motioned to where he could hear indistinct mumbling.

“What’s wrong with you?” Kihyun’s voice was both disturbed and irritating.

Jooheon stood on the other side of the wall.

There was a long silence.

“So?”

“Why are you upset?” Hyungwon’s voice was toneless, deadly.

“I don’t know what you and Hoseok did but if you want to make a scene, at least do it so no one can see it.” He nagged.

“Okay.” The taller guy breathed out. “Is it all?”

“What's got into you? You did so well today.” Kihyun seemed to come to his usual intonation.

“Wow. Kihyun praised me. What an honor.” Hyungwon said tiredly. “I gotta go.”

“W-what?" Kihyun’s voice was confused.

Jooheon started to panic but before he could do anything Hyungwon appeared from behind the corner.

Hyungwon let his eyes fall down on the younger rapper while Kihyun tugged him by the end of his coat.

Jooheon broke the eye contact first. He was embarrassed about his actions.

“Did you invite him to take a look at the show?” Hyungwon turned to look at Kihyun who was both brainstorming and having some sort of brain freeze.

“No,- I,-“ Jooheon mumbled and Hyungwon switched his attention back at him.

Jooheon looked up. 

Hyungwon was holding his gaze. His eyes were vacant. 

He then raised his left hand to close Jooheon’s eyes. 

Kihyun’s mouth slightly opened. He watched the taller guy take a deep breath while his hand was on rapper's eyes. 

Jooheon didn’t dare to move.

“Stop looking at me like that.” Hyungwon half-whispered.

He turned from them and walked away. They watched his back receding down the hall.

Jooheon and Kihyun were glued to the spot until they saw Changkyun and Minhyuk who was trailing behind him.

“Have you seen Hyungwon-ah?” 

The maknae wondered as he watched Kihyun and Jooheon mulling something inside their minds.


	41. Do you hate me?

“He left.” Kihyun ran a hand through his hair. 

“Don’t ask where because I have no idea.” He turned and walked away in the direction of the dressing room.

Jooheon stole a glance at the maknae who took his phone out and dialed a number, which Jooheon suspected was Hyungwon’s. 

“Damn it.” Changkyun swore as the call went straight to voicemail.

“Did you fight?” He switched his full attention to Jooheon. 

His eyes were wide open - glinting, but there was no malice behind them.

“No,” Jooheon mumbled.

“I mean..,” there was a pause.

“I guess so.” He harshly exhaled.

“Do you hate him?”

“W-what?” Jooheon looked up in utter surprise.

“Then.” Another pause. 

“Do you hate me?” The maknae tilted his head to the right as he shifted his weight from one leg to another.

“No.” Jooheon exclaimed.

“Then what is your fucking problem?” Changkyun raised his voice but Minhyuk put a hand on his shoulder.

“Don’t, it’s going to be alright.” The older guy comforted him.

“It won’t be if you don’t get your shit together.” He glared at Jooheon.

“What is it?” Jooheon frowned.

“Why do I have to listen to all of this?” He took a step forward.

“Back in the bathroom you were a total asshole.” 

He rolled his eyes and walked away leaving a shocked Jooheon and confused Minhyuk behind.

“What happened in the bathroom?” Minhyuk wondered.

Jooheon stayed silent. He was biting on his lip furiously while letting everything sink in. 

In the end, he shut his eyes tight while sighing. 

“Shit.” Minhyuk heard the rapper say as he walked away.

* * *

Hyungwon walked in the bar he and Hoseok visited not so long ago. The same lady greeted him with a bright smile.

He let his backpack fall to the ground as he sat behind the bar.

The waitress remembered him and tried to a make small talk but Hyungwon was not in the mood to talk. 

He was mute and disinterested to all of the remarks the lady made.

After taking his order of double whiskey on rocks she finally let him be. 

He drank steadily. He was vacantly looking at one spot for five minutes at a time. 

He watched his hair fall on his face as he studied his own reflection in the bar mirror. 

He brooded on depressing thoughts and others like them. 

He wanted to order his eighth drink when the lady rejected him.

“Go home, boy. I won’t serve you anymore.”

Hyungwon's dopey eyes were trained on the waitress for a long moment. 

In the end, he grunted as he fished for the wallet.

Once out the bar he shakily lit the cigarette. 

Time began to blur. 

He dragged himself home while fresh untouched snow was crunching under his feet. 

He struggled until a heavy wooden door finally gave away. 

Silence was the only thing he met as he recklessly was taking his shoes off. 

He left his coat and backpack on the floor. He was too tired to care. 

Before he knew it he collapsed on the bed and into the dark abyss of sleep. 

It didn't last long.

* * *

Just before he was awoken he had a terrible dream.

It was a deserted area with no vegetation. 

Hyungwon wondered around it until he came across an old, wooden house. 

It was depressingly dark. As if it survived the fire. 

It was eerie quiet. He then found himself in a bathroom, a faucet in the tub was leaking.

It was making dripping sounds. 

He went to take a better look. 

He couldn’t move. 

His heart dropped to his feet when he saw _himself_ laying inside it. 

A younger version of him. 

His eyes were open. 

Hyungwon heard footsteps downstairs and a rush of terror ran through his entire body. 

He wanted to hide but before he could do anything a hand reached him and dragged him under the water. 

There was a horrible erratic thumping inside his chest. 

He violently struggled while the other _him_ was taking him away further and further from the light. 

The bathtub seemed endless. 

He gasped as he was awoken when he thought he finally drowned.


	42. Shadows

He was trembling all over and drenched with sweat.

He dug the heels of his hands hard into the eyes.

He let his eyes adjust. It was still dark outside. 

His eyes were vacantly running across the room until they landed on a shadow on the edge of the bed. 

Hyungwon’s heart stopped for a moment. 

He squinted his eyes but the alcohol made it hard to concentrate. 

In the end, he fell back to the pillow, heaving a heavy sigh.

“Are you alright?” Echoed.

“What are you doing here?” Hyungwon slurred as he turned to his side, facing the wall.

There was a long silence.

“I-“

“Leave me alone, Jooheon.” He grunted as he put a pillow above his head.

“Did you have another nightmare?” The younger rapper softly mumbled.

A minute, and then another one passed but there was no response. 

“You moaned in your dream. But I think it was more like a scream than anything else.” His voice was calm, comforting.

Hyungwon snorted. 

“Why are you telling me this? Do you think I was getting off in my sleep as well?” The taller guy scoffed.

“Hyungwon-n.” 

“Hyungwon what? What are you doing? Why are you here?” He turned around to look at Jooheon.

“What is it?” He winced with pain as a headache hit him but nonetheless didn’t take his eyes off of a silhouette.

“I-“ the rapper started. “I-, I am sorry.” 

“If “I am sorry” could solve everything, police would not exist.” Hyungwon started to climb to the edge of the bed.

“What are you doing?”

Hyungwon swung his legs out of bed and staggered out of the room. Jooheon followed him.

“Where is everyone else?” Hyungwon wondered after he drank 2 glasses of water.

“They are eating with staff.” Jooheon let himself sneakily stare at the older guy.

Hyungwon finished his third glass of water. 

His eyes were bloodshot and his clothes wrinkled.

He silently put the glass into a dishwasher and tiredly passed Jooheon by back to their bedroom. 

He kicked his pants off, took his shirt without care and threw it next to the bed, climbing in the bed next.

“Are you going to ignore me?” Jooheon stood in the frame of the door.

Hyungwon sighed. 

“Let’s talk when I am sober.” There was a pause.

“But Jooheon, gay or not but I am still the same. You, on the other hand.” There was another silence. 

“Your attitude changed.” 

Another pause.

“However, who am I to judge?! What you see is the worst of me.”

Jooheon waited for him to continue but Hyungwon didn’t say anything anymore. 

He stood there until the other guy’s breathing evened out.

He tiredly took his change of clothes and went to take a shower.

He had an urge to cry.


	43. 3 AM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry. 
> 
> The last two chapters are....they are bad, gruesome. And I do not mean in terms of angst because...if you are still reading it, you are a sad creature like me but...I am sorry....the dream part was so dry and rushed and......
> 
> I hope you enjoy this one tho. It brings a little more light to the idea of accepting guys.

It was almost 3 AM when Jooheon got out of the shower. Running a towel through his damp hair he lazily motioned towards the kitchen only to hear indistinctive mumbling.

He quickly walked towards the entrance, meeting Hoseok.

“Hyung?” He wondered as the older guy was violently taking his shoes off, leaning against the wall next.

“What's wrong?” He took a couple of steps forwards.

“I think I’m gonna puke.” The older guy slurred as he carelessly took his coat off and pushed it into Jooheon’s arms, stomping towards the bathroom next.

“Are you okay?” Jooheon raised an eyebrow as he watched Hoseok running a hand through his mouth, walking towards the sink next.

Once he rinsed his mouth he sighed harshly.

“Where is the rest?” Jooheon asked while trailing the older guy to the kitchen.

“I didn’t go with them.” Hoseok said while rummaging through the fridge.

After taking a bottle of coke out he fell into the chair next to the table.

“Hyunwoo gonna be pissed.” Jooheon whined as he sat opposite to Hoseok.

“Who else didn’t go?” Hoseok asked while gulping down the liquid.

“Hyungwon-ah.”

Hoseok grimaced.

“Hyungwon is a fucking weirdo. If you disappoint me like him I am gonna divorce you.” He mumbled.

“Divorce, disappoint?” Jooheon arched an eyebrow.

“Disown you or whatever.” Hoseok sighed. 

"I didn't know I was in your register." Jooheon quietly laughed. 

“He is so stupid it hurts.” Hoseok continued.

“Don’t let me down, Jooheon-ah. I won’t be able to take in another betrayal.” The older guy depressingly voiced.

“What happened?” Jooheon shifted in the seat uncomfortably.

“He.” Hoseok stopped.

“He is an idiot.” He looked at the coke.

“He accused me of things I am not.” There was a pause.

“Do I look homophobic?” Hoseok glassily looked at Jooheon.

“No.” The younger swallowed.

“The idiot lashed out at me.” He sighed.

“I mean he is, I mean I was shocked but…” Hoseok threw his head back. 

“It doesn’t matter who he likes, it’s just…” His speech trailed.

“It’s what?” Jooheon leaned towards Hoseok.

“He hurts me.” There was a long pause.

“He hurts me with his thoughts.” Hoseok took another swipe of the drink.

“What do you mean?”

“I love him but he fucking rejected me. This walking skeleton accused me of all possible sins.” Hoseok kept on mumbling.

“Can you imagine?” The older guy looked straight at Jooheon.

“He thought I want to bully him.” His glassy eyes pierced through the rapper’s heart.

“He thought I want to bully him.” He repeated while snorting.

“Ugh.” He grumbled as he leaned against the chair.

Jooheon thickly swallowed. He scratched his temple in distress.

“I guess it’s because of me.” He finally managed.

“What do you mean?” The older guy seemed unbothered.

“I-, I might have said something.”

“What?”

“I don’t know. I am not sure. It’s just…” Jooheon stopped for a moment.

“I didn’t mean to. I was confused. I am confused. I don’t understand neither myself nor Hyungwon and Changkyun anymore.” The younger guy anxiously said.

Hoseok closed his eyes tightly while furrowing his eyebrows.

“Sorry, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.” He swayed in his chair.

Jooheon stayed silent.

“Did you say something to both of them?” Hoseok tried to collect himself.

“No-, well-, maybe.” 

“What is it?”

“It doesn’t matter.” Jooheon ran a hand over his face.

“Well, it fucking does if Hyungwon blew up because of you.” The older guy started to get angry.

Jooheon pinched the bridge of his nose between thumb and forefinger.

“So what you are telling me...” Hoseok threw his hair back.

“He hates me because you triggered him.” He snorted but started to laugh out loud a moment later.

“I didn’t mean to.” Jooheon whispered.

“Oh, I guess you fucking did because he cried.” Hoseok rubbed his eye.

“Fuck this, I am going to bed.” He slowly made his way out of the chair.

Jooheon's expression darkened even more but he copied Hoseok's actions and tried to help him out but the older guy slapped his hand away.

“I am fine.” He staggered.

Jooheon felt his heart dropping.

“Sleep in our room tonight.” Jooheon whispered.

“Why would I do it?” He eyed him with suspicion.

“Hyungwon came home wasted as well. Me and Hyunwoo will sleep in your room.” He mumbled.

“Unless Hyunwoo comes in drunk as well... Well, it actually doesn't matter. Both of you smell atrocious.” The rapper muttered.

Hoseok weighted the words and after a moment nodded in agreement.

He unsurely made his way to Jooheon's bed and slipped into a drunken stupor.


	44. Secrets

Hoseok was awoken by an evil hangover around noon. 

He opened his eyes and immediately screwed them as bright rays of the sun were poking his eyes. 

He sat up, running a hand through his stubble, dazed, half-dreaming, not sure where he was.

“God damn it. I shouldn’t have drunk so much.” He mumbled to himself, eyes landing on Hyungwon next.

“Right, I ended up in Jooheon’s bed.” He thought to himself this time.

He unsteadily crept out of the bed, walking towards Hyungwon next.

The younger guy was dead asleep. 

He was laying on his stomach with both of his hands under the pillow. Only his lower part was covered. 

Hoseok let his gaze linger on his shoulder blades for a second too long.

“I must be out of my mind.” He muttered to himself.

He didn’t notice someone else open the door.

When he turned around he noticed Changkyun standing in the doorway. He was blankly staring at the older guy.

“What are you doing?” Changkyun asked. His expression was baffled.

A weird sensation he hasn’t felt in a while was tugging at the maknae’s heart.

“He was sleeping in my bed.” Jooheon’s voice echoed behind as he passed the guy and started to fumble through his wardrobe. 

Hoseok was standing still, glued to the spot when Changkyun approached Hyungwon. 

He squatting next to the bed frame and tenderly brushed some strands of stray hair from his face.

“Hyungwon-ah.” He whispered. 

“Wake up.” He was now gently running his hand through the elder’s soft hair.

Hoseok slowly blinked as the older guy started to show signs of life while rolling over to his back.

He cracked his eyes open, a drowsy smile playing on his lips. 

“Morning.” He softly grumbled looking straight at the maknae.

“Morning.” Changkyun grinned as he stood up. 

Hyungwon’s eyes next landed on Hoseok who was also staring at him. He blinked his sleep away as he hastily sat upright.

“What? Am I late?” He huffed.

“No.” Changkyun laughed while Hoseok was now staring at the maknae.

“You’re lucky we are free today.” Jooheon said while going through his clothes. Some of it already was lying on the floor. 

Hyungwon peeked at the rapper, then at Changkyun and then his eyes landed on Hoseok.

“What’s wrong?” He raised his eyebrow at the oldest of them all.

“Ah.” Hoseok scratched his temple. 

“It’s nothing. I am going back.” He started to leave.

“Why did you sleep in this room?” Changkyun asked before Hoseok could walk away.

“Eh.” He stopped in his tracks.

“I asked him to.” It was Jooheon.

“Why?” Hyungwon looked directly at Jooheon.

“Because both of you were wasted as fuckkk” He sang the last part.

“Oh.” He grabbed the sweatshirt from the shelf. 

“Found it.” He smiled while turning to look at the rest.

“What?” He quizzically looked at Hyungwon who had a stone-cold like expression on his face.

“Yes, right.” He said while swinging his legs out of his bed. 

“Like I would believe you.” He now muttered to himself but the rest heard him well nonetheless.

He stretched out and yawned while making his way out of the room but Hoseok stopped him by the wrist.

“What do you want?” Hyungwon slowly blinked at the shorter guy.

“I think you misunderstand. You need to ask questions and talk things out if you do not know the whole picture.” Hoseok stared at Hyungwon. His head was killing him.

“Let me breathe, Hoseok.” 

“I would like to ask for the same thing.” His eyes wandered across the room until they were locked on Changkyun who looked rather lost.

“I had a little fight with your boyfriend.” Hoseok said looking straight at the maknae.

Hyungwon's reactions are usually slow right after he wakes up but his head immediately turned to look first at even more puzzled Changkyun and then at Jooheon who made an indistinct sound.

“Stop it.” Hyungwon tore himself loose. 

“Can I take a shower and have my pants on first or something? Jooheon looks like we are trying to give him performance anxiety.” 

He said without a single note of amusement as he finally passed him by and disappeared in the bathroom.


	45. Nothing will be bigger than us

“What did you fight about?” Changkyun asked first thing first.

“He is misunderstanding me.” Hoseok was looking at the maknae. 

“And him.” He pointed at Jooheon without looking at him.

Changkyun stared even more.

“Did you say something to Hyungwon-ah as well?” He slightly tilted his head to the right.

“I didn’t, it was just a misunderstanding.” Hoseok scratched behind his ear. He desperately needed some aspirin.

Changkyun stared for a long moment before switching his attention back to Jooheon. The guy looked unnerved.

“Why do you look so scared, Jooheon-ah?”

“Me?” The guy flinched.

Changkyun nodded.

“I-, no-“

“It was much easier to talk to Minhyuk.” The maknae sighed. 

“I haven’t talked to him yet so I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Changkyun looked up at Hoseok as he started to walk away.

“Changkyun.” Hoseok turned to look at the younger guy who was about to disappear in the hallway.

“What?” He stopped but didn’t turn to look his way.

“We might have different approaches but we have known each other for years. Have some faith in us.” He mumbled in a deep voice.

There was a short and uncomfortable silence.

“Are you taking it out on him because he is older?” Changkyun asked.

“If you want to be sad, fine.” Changkyun turned around to look at Hoseok.

“If you want to be mad, fine.”

“If you want to be disappointed, fine.” 

At this Jooheon poked his head out of the room. Both him at Hoseok were looking at the maknae with an unreadable expression.

“If you want to be disgusted, I am also fine with it.” The maknae continued.

“But don’t lash out specifically at him because he is somehow older or more responsible about it.” 

He was fixing them with an unblinking stare as cool and dispassionate as it was possible.

“At the end of the day, Hyungwon was the first to mention he wants to come clean with you, guys. 

He was the one who wanted to be as fair and square while I was freaking the fuck out how you would react.” 

He stole a quick glance at Jooheon who still seemed rather startled and scared than anything else.

“I really don’t know who should be talking about faith at the moment.” The maknae finished while making a u-turn.

“I am sorry.” Whispered Jooheon.

“If you feel like you own someone an apology, it must be Hyungwon, not me.” 

Both Hoseok and Jooheon were left staring into space after Changkyun was gone.

* * *

Hyungwon was sitting at the edge of the tub, vacantly looking at a fixed point. There was a knock at the door.

“It’s occupied.” Hyungwon deadpanned.

“It’s me.”

Hyungwon went to open the door, meeting a pair of doe eyes.

“You look like a teenager who fought with his parents.”Changkyun said while closing the door. 

“Hiding in the bathroom and all that jam.” 

“I am channeling myself to find some strength in order to take a shower.” Hyungwon dramatically laughed while sitting on the edge of the tub again.

“Do you want to take a bath together?” The maknae devilishly grinned while walking to where Hyungwon was.

The older guy pulled him into his space between his opened legs. 

He hugged the maknae by the waist while leaning against Changkyun’s chest. The younger guy smiled to himself as he gently started to ruffle his hair.

“I am sorry, Changkyun-ah.” Hyungwon sighed.

“Why are you apologizing?”

“I thought I can handle it but it’s hard.”

“I am right here. You don't have to struggle on your own.”

There was a comfortable silence.

“Zagiya is scared of us.” Hyungwon whispered.

Changkyun stopped for a moment. It was the exact feeling he was getting from Jooheon.

“No, he is not.” He started to play with the elder’s hair again.

“Did something else happen?” Changkyun asked when he realized Hyungwon didn't want to elaborate.

“You’re bright and light shining in my boring life. I am so happy to have you.” Hyungwon half-whispered as he tightened his arms around the rapper's waist.

“Hyungwon.” The maknae tried to get the elder’s attention but he refused to budge, nudging against the younger’s chest.

“Mmm” 

“I love you.” He glided across the small of his back while planting small kisses on the top of his head.

“Mm-hmm.” The older hummed peacefully.


	46. Cliff by the sea

There was a soft tap on the door and then there was a short silence.

Hyungwon lifted his head to take a look at Changkyun. His fringe was falling over his eyes. He could see his dimples gently surfacing over his cheeks.

Before the taller guy could say anything, a loud and continuous banging on the door snapped both of them back to reality.

“I know you are in there.” Minhyuk loudly yelled.

“I really hope both of you are not eating each other’s faces because…” At this moment the door was swung wide open.

“What are you talking about?” Changkyun’s expression was scandalized.

“Why?” Minhyuk grinned as he walked in, meeting eyes with Hyungwon who was still sitting on the edge of the tub.

“Boo.” He pouted. 

“It doesn’t look like you were doing anything suspicious.” Hyungwon saw his eyes twinkle lively. 

“Nevertheless…” Minhyuk’s speech trailed off as he walked straight to Hyungwon, leaning down to his height. 

“You left Changkyun alone yesterday.” He pinched the taller’s cheek. He meant it. It was painful.

“Auch.” Hyungwon brought his hand up to soothe the pain when Minhyuk let go.

“Don’t do this again.” He finished and turned to look at the mirror, reaching for a toothbrush next.

Hyungwon’s eyes found Changkyun’s. 

The youngest rapper slowly blinked and hardly noticeably shook his head.

He pushed his lips forward and made a barely audible kissing sound. 

Hyungwon chuckled.

“Are you flirting behind my back?” Minhyuk turned to look around at the other two, mouth full of toothpaste.

“Where are you going?” Changkyun raised an eyebrow.

“I have a date.” The other guy beamed, almost spilling the paste.

“Really?” Changkyun sounded genuinely surprised.

Hyungwon snorted.

“Don’t believe him. He probably has a _date_ at the nearest internet café with a bunch of kids who are as crazy about the same games as he is.” 

“How do you know?” Minhyuk turned around in surprise. 

Hyungwon’s eyes widened but then shifted in a moon shape form as he started to laugh out loud.

“You are unbelievable.” The taller guy choked in between his laughing fit.

“Stop laughing.” Minhyuk whined while Changkyun couldn’t help but start as well.

Hyunwoo stopped in his tracks as he was passing by the loud bathroom.

“Yo.” He poked his head inside the bathroom but didn’t step in.

“Morning.” Hyungwon said wiping his tears away.

“It’s 1.20 PM” Hyunwoo smiled.

Hyungwon’s face longed out.

“Do you want to grab lunch?” Hyunwoo made a pause. “Technically dinner?” He asked in his habitual calming voice.

Hyungwon’s eyes flickered for the shortest moment towards Changkyun who was facing Hyunwoo and back at the oldest member.

“Can Changkyun come with us?” 

“Don’t worry.” The maknae turned to look at Hyungwon. “ I am good.”

Hyunwoo’s hand found its way to the back of his neck. “Sure.”

“And what about me?” Minhyuk’s voice came across the bathroom clear and loud.

“You were brainwashing me with your games the whole morning.” Hyunwoo rolled his eyes. “Go and let some steam off your system.” He laughed.

“Find me when you guys are ready.” Hyunwoo waved his hand at Minhyuk and disappeared in the hallway.

* * *

“What did _you_ do?” Hoseok turned to look at Jooheon who was blankly looking at an empty hall.

He turned to look at the older guy.

“Did you notice Hyungwon had a hard-on during the performance?” His right eye was twitching as if it hurt him physically to say it out loud.

“No.” Hoseok was inspecting Jooheon’s face. “Don’t tell me I broke his heart because of a stupid boner.” Hoseok stared at Jooheon.

“It’s natural, Jooheon. All of us are guys. You know we cannot control it. Him being gay has nothing to do with it.” His breath slightly hitched.

“What did _you_ do?” Jooheon didn’t want to elaborate on his vain feelings.

“I called him an egoistic, self-centered bastard or something like that. And the worst part? I meant it.” He gave a crooked smile.

“What did _we_ do?” Hoseok heaved a heavy sigh and disappeared inside his room.

Jooheon stood there for another moment. The urge to cry was hitting him with a new force. He swallowed down the lump of feelings he has yet to put a name to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why does Min start to sound like a kinky cheerleader? It wasn't my intention. I just wanted one character who is 100% on their side.


	47. Hyunwoo

“Shoot” Hyungwon grabbed another shrimp from the pot.

Hyunwoo raised his gaze at the taller guy, inspecting his expression for a little while.

“I am not sure you would be comfortable…” His speech trailed off as he stole a glance at Changkyun who was sitting next to Hyungwon, shoving a spoonful of rice inside his mouth.

“Come on.” Hyungwon protested. 

“I know you got something to say. Or is it a usual _a lot of food, low cost_ day?” Hyungwon cheekily smiled.

Hyunwoo took a deep breath as he locked the eyes with Hyungwon.

“It’s about you two.”

“I know.” He genuinely smiled. 

“It’s okay, Hyung, you don’t need to have a panic attack. I-“ He glanced at Changkyun. “We understand it.”

The youngest guy flashed a nervous smile as he nodded while putting the chopsticks down.

“Don’t worry, eat lots.” Hyungwon encouraged him while discretely putting his left hand on his lap, slightly squeezing it in reassurance. 

Changkyun mirrored Hyungwon’s semi-shy, semi-nonchalant smile and it almost made him laugh out loud.

“I am sorry.” He chuckled to himself while picking the chopsticks again and putting a spoonful of food inside his mouth.

Hyunwoo watched them silently.

“Unbelievable.” He muttered to himself but the other two picked it up anyway.

“What is?” Hyungwon slightly tilted his head to the right.

“Both of you.” He took a sip of the coke.

“Changkyun has always been the odd one.” He laughed.

“You know what I mean, Changkyun-ah.” He looked at the maknae who assertively nodded. He knew and understood what Hyunwoo meant. There was no malice behind the words.

“You’ve always looked soft to me so I assumed you would act soft as well.” Hyunwoo looked straight at Hyungwon who just raised his left eyebrow in surprise. 

“It was a compliment but anyway.” He put a hand to his chin, trying to find right words.

“You know I am not the best love advisor and sometimes my decisions aren’t praiseworthy when it comes to matters of the heart.” He crossly smiled.

“I know, good that you mentioned it.” Hyungwon laughed.

“Why? Did you want to use it against me?” He snickered.

“Maybe.” The tallest member said.

“Yeah, that’s not even close to acting soft.” Hyunwoo straight up laughed. 

“I don’t know whether I should call you a sly fox or just a really tough guy.”

“Neither. I just want to protect what is dear to me. Nothing more. Nothing less.” Hyungwon's voice was even and confident.

Changkyun turned his head to the side to avert his gaze, but the sudden rosiness of his cheeks gave him away. Even Hyunwoo’s expression changed.

“Spicy.” The oldest member took another sip of his drink.

“It’s not an interrogation. I just want to be sure you will be good to each other.” 

“We will.”

“Even when things aren’t going to be working out for you?” Hyunwoo was attentively looking at Hyungwoon.

“A couple of months ago...” Hyunwoo took a moment to gather his thoughts. 

“Around our comeback time.” He made another pause.

“You were behaving very unnaturally. Both of you were snappy but you-” He fixed his gaze on Hyungwon. “You were the most unnatural one.”

“Why?” The tallest member swallowed.

“Because you’re very composed no matter how mad you are. Changkyun made you pull your hair out on numerous occasions.” 

Changkyun watched Hyungwon raise his thumb and pick on the skin.

“Yeah, I remember.” He pushed his hair back in distress and turned to look at Changkyun who quickly turned to look at his plate.

“It was...” He started to pick the skin around his index finger. “It was different. I really couldn’t help it.”

“I know.” Hyunwoo continued. “I know.”

“All I want to know whether it will happen again. I don’t want disharmony between us.”

“Nah.” Hyungwoon shook his head. 

“Leave our relationship to us. I don’t think it will happen again, right?” He turned to look at Changkyun with a sheepish smile.

The maknae took his time to stare at Hyungwon. His eyes slightly crossed on him, mouth slightly opened. As if he was enchanted.

“If Hyungwon-ah doesn’t piss me off beyond myself.” He turned to look forward, both sighing and slightly laughing. 

Hyungwon looked offended while Hyunwoo laughed.

“Then it’s a deal.” 

They continued to work their chopsticks until Hyungwon was full and Hyunwoo switched to his dish and later on Changkyun’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 14th of March is a memorable day for mbb world. SS finally announced that Wonho is FREE. A new, and hopefully a happy chapter of his life is about to start. I can't wait to see him again. 
> 
> Stay safe, peeps. This corona virus hasn't been in my spring plans lol


	48. The rope

It was a bright cold day at the beginning of March.

Hyungwon was standing on the porch smoking. He moved the cigarette back and forth idly. 

“What are you doing?” The entrance door slightly screeched.

He turned around to meet eyes with Kihyun.

“Isn’t it obvious?” Hyungwon brought his left hand up in the air.

“Yeah, I am not blind.” The main vocalist grumbled. “Come inside, the breakfast is ready.”

Hyungwon just nodded, turning away and slowly inhaling again.

Kihyun stole the last glance at the tall silhouette and disappeared inside the house.

* * *

_Yesterday_

“Hyunwoo.” Hyungwon addressed the oldest guy as they were approaching their home. 

“Hmm?” The guy jerked his chin slightly, tracing his eyes to Hyungwon.

“It won’t be as easy.” He locked his eyes on his.

“What is?” He stopped in his tracks.

“What are you standing there for?” Changkyun’s voice echoed from behind while he was chewing on a churro.

“You go first.” Hyungwon flashed a warm smile at maknae as he pushed a paper bag with sweets at his hands.

The rapper arched his eyebrow in suspicion.

“Is it something personal?”

“Don’t worry.”

Changkyun sighed. “Are you hiding something from me again?”

“No.”

Hyunwoo noticed as the tallest member clenched his fist.

“Anyway, it’s nothing that you are not aware of.” He relaxed his hand and ran a hand through his hair.

Changkyun scrutinized his expression but in the end just shrugged it off.

“I trust you.” He took another bite and passed the other two, not failing to eye Hyunwoo for a second too long making the oldest member raise his eyebrows in surprise.

“What was that?” Hyunwoo laughed.

“Is there something I need to know?” He lifted the weight from one leg to another, sticking his hands inside the pockets of his pants.

“Maybe, not sure.” Hyungwon sighed as he faced the leader.

“Hyunwoo…” His speech trailed off.

“Hyungwon, what’s wrong?” 

“I am sorry.”

“What are you talking about? Let’s go inside.” He turned on his hill but Hyungwon gently wrapped a hand around his forearm.

“What are you sorry about?” The oldest member sighed.

“A lot of things.”

“Which are?”

“I lied. I don’t think it will be easy to maintain the spirit of the group.”

Hyunwoo flinched and Hyungwon looked up. A crooked smile appeared on his face.

“Why do you think so?”

“Because it has already started.”

“Huh?”

“Did you talk to anyone about me or Changkyun?” Hyungwon cracked his left side of the neck, eyes trained on the leader.

“Yeah?”

“All of them?”

“Not every single one but I don’t understand where you’re leading. Even if we are not okay with this situation it doesn’t mean we can change anything. What’s bothering you?” Hyunwoo furrowed.

“You will see.” 

At this Hyungwon passed the oldest member by and disappeared inside the house.

“Hey, what do you mean? Elaborate.” Hyunwoo trailed Hyungwon with his eyes. He already took his shoes off and was heading towards the bathroom.

“Decide for yourself and please don’t be swayed by the rest. That’s the only thing I am asking you for.”

“Oh.” He abruptly turned to look at Hyunwoo again.

“Yeah?” The leader was taking his shoe off.

“Am I supposed to avoid Changkyun?”

“What?”

“You know what I am talking about.” Hyungwon’s gaze was intense, serious.

“No.” Hyunwoo heaved a sigh. “Don’t, do whatever you like.”

“Thanks.” He brightly smiled and disappeared behind the corner.


	49. Take me underground

“What are you doing?” Hyungwon entered the kitchen.

Changkyun, Kihyun, and Minhyuk were sitting by the table.

“These are good.” Minhyuk said pointing at the churros. “We should go there next time together.”

“Sure.” The tallest member ruffled Changkyun’s hair as he noticed his steady gaze on him.

He then reached the fridge and grabbed a can of beer, disappearing a moment later. 

Hyungwon lazily plopped on the couch of the living room and turned the TV on.

He was in the middle of watching a movie when he noticed Hoseok entering the room. He eyed him for a moment but didn’t say anything. The older member sat beside him.

“We need to talk.” Hoseok mumbled without looking his way.

“About?”

“I think you don’t understand.”

“I don’t understand what?” His eyes glued to the TV.

“The whole situation.”

“Oh.” Hyungwon’s voice was unimpressed. “Please enlighten me.”

“Hyungwon.” Hoseok’s voice had a hint of anger.

“I’ve been Hyungwon for as long as I remember.” He yawned.

“Why do you behave like this?”

“Like what?” Hyungwon turned to look straight at Hoseok.

“Are you here to apologize or tell me that I am wrong? I don’t want to hear neither.” His eyes were half-lidded and calm. Too calm Hoseok thought.

“Which one is it?” He tilted his head slightly to the right. Hoseok looked away.

“You’re cruel.” 

Hyungwon snorted.

“Mankind is cruel in general. You hurt me and I hurt you as the response to my defense mechanism.” He started to eat the inside of his cheek.

Hoseok turned to look at his profile. The conversation took a drastic turn. He didn't expect it.

“Maybe I am the one who should apologize? Maybe these are your intentions?” Hyungwon turned to look outside the window.

Hoseok started to pull on the ends of his sleeves.

“Why are you like this?”

“I don’t know.” Hyungwon’s voice was even.

“I like you a lot, Hoseok. I really do. I don't want to intentionally hurt your feelings but…” He snorted.

“It’s hypocritical of me to say it out loud since I am trying to do it right now.” He paused.

"How do we take back what's been said or done?"

"What?"

"I would give anything just to make everything right again, but..." Hyungwon made another pause.

“Everything in the fullness of time comes to nothingness but before it happens there is a storm. I just want to pass it by as quickly as possible. Let me ask you, Hoseok.” He faced him once again.

“What do you want to hear from me?” 

Hoseok bit his bottom lip and tears welled up in his eyes.

“Why are you crying?” Hyungwon’s eyes widened in surprise.

“Hyungwon.” A soft voice called him.

He looked up to see Changkyun and Kihyun in the doorway.

“What are you doing?” Kihyun’s nose scrunched slightly, his hands crossed on his chest.

“Defensive much.” Hyungwon mumbled to himself.

“Nothing, or more likely just the way you see it. Making a scene so no one can see us.” Hyungwon mumbled to himself but his eyes were locked on Kihyun anyway.

“W-what?”

“Apparently I am making Hoseok cry. What else do you want me to say?” Hyungwon sighed and lowered his gaze at Hoseok who looked shocked.

“I am sorry.” He put a hand on Hoseok's shoulder and squeezed it slightly. 

“Don’t push yourself to forgive me.” Hyungwon stood up and motioned towards the exit.

Kihyun’s eyes were following Hyungwon. “You’re wrong.” 

“Do I claim to be right?” Hyungwon stopped in front of Kihyun.

The main vocalist opened his mouth and then closed, swallowing thickly in the process. 

“What are your intentions?” He finally asked.

Hyungwon confusingly smiled.

“Once you start getting bad cards, they just keep coming.”

“Hyungwon?” Changkyun’s voice echoed inside now eerie quiet room.

Hyungwon’s gaze immediately fell on Changkyun. He bit his lower lip in frustration.

“Are you crazy?” Kihyun grabbed him by the collar of his hoodie.

Hyungwon switched his attention to the guy in front of him.

“Well, I am definitely not _normal_ , am I?” He slily smirked.

“Hyungwon!” Changkyun’s voice rose with a hysterical edge.

“Leave him alone.” Hoseok harshly sighed as he turned to look at extremely puzzled Kihyun. He let go of Hyungwon and his arms fell down to his hips in defeat.

“What are you doing, Chae?” Kihyun muttered but Hyungwon was already out of earshot.

“I-, I am sorry.” Changkyun nervously swallowed.

“What are you apologizing for?” Kihyun nervously laughed.

“Go after him.” It was Hoseok who shifted on the couch. He pulled his knees to his chest on the couch while turning to look outside the window.

Changkyun didn’t say anything. He just nodded and quickly walked away.


	50. Weight

“Hoseok.” 

“Yeah?”

Kihyun went to sit next to the said guy, his right leg under the other one.

“You shouldn’t hold back just because Hyungwon is sensitive these days. He was obviously in the wrong.”

“And how do you know it?” The older member asked. His back to Kihyun.

“Well, wasn’t he?” He scratched his temple.

“I’ve been always wondering…” Hoseok’s speech trailed off.

“Wondering about what?”

“No.” Hoseok shook his head. “Nothing.”

“Hoseok, I am serious.”

“So am I.”

“Then why the hell do you allow him to talk to you like that?”

“Because he is right.”

“He is right for stirring your emotions?” Kihyun huffed in distress.

“You don’t know what it was about.”

“Then tell me.”

Hoseok turned to face Kihyun.

“I hurt him, Kihyun.” 

“It doesn’t mean he should hurt you back.”

Hoseok squinted his eyes on Kihyun.

“You might be right, but…” He started to bother his bottom lip.

“I am not the only one, am I?”

“What do you mean?”

“Me, Jooheon…did you say something to him personally? Maybe it was towards Changkyun?” Hoseok held the gaze.

Kihyun swallowed. “No, not exactly but...”

“But there was something, right?” 

Kihyun sighed. “Maybe.”

“He broke down. Then he avoided me and now he is paying me in the same coin. Do you know where I am heading?”

“No.” Kihyun traced his left eyebrow.

“I do. He is waiting for us to hurt him. So instead of feeling bad about it he decided to attack first.”

Kihyun rubbed his nose. “It doesn’t change anything.”

“It changes everything. I suppose he does it to protect Changkyun-ah.” He locked his eyes on Kihyun.

Kihyun stayed silent. It was an exhaustive answer.

* * *

The door was opened and quietly locked with a clinging sound.

Hyungwon was standing by the windowsill, idly looking outside. 

Changkyun approached him as quietly as he could. He watched his pale and serene face staring outside.

“You need to calm down.” 

Changkyun uttered as he started to go to Hyungwon’s drawer. He knew he kept sedatives there. However, he immediately realized Hyungwon was behind him, he turned around to look at him. 

Hyungwon put his hands on Changkyun’s shoulders and kissed him. 

It was a slow and deliberate kiss, right in the mouth. He pulled away for the shortest moment and a second later he was kissing him on the neck.

“S-stop.” Changkyun mumbled.

Hyungwon didn’t listen. He was already undoing the top button of maknae’s shirt.

“Cut it out.” Changkyun slightly pushed him away. The moment he locked his eyes with Hyungwon, something like electroshock went though his veins.

“What’s got into you? What did you say to Hoseok hyung?” Changkyun crossed his eyes on Hyungwon’s.

Hyungwon’s face was pale, watchful as a ghost's.

“Are you…?” Hyungwon’s speech trailed off.

“Am I what?” Changkyun stared even more.

Hyungwon approached him once again, cupping his face with his right hand but Changkyun shook it off. “What are you doing?”

Hyungwon’s shoulders stiffened.

“Talk to me.” Changkyun’s speech started to become quieter and quieter inside Hyungwon’s mind.

“Did I make a mistake?” Hyungwon could hardly concentrate his gaze on Changkyun.

“Isn’t it obvious? Do you think lashing out at them will help?”

“Then” Hyungwon looked at the closed door.

“Them lashing out at us will help?” He locked his eyes on Changkyun again.

The maknae was taken by a surprise.

“Hyungwon-ah.” He tried to wrap his arms around the older’s waist but he shook them off.

“I need a cigarette.” He quickly passed the youngest rapper by and walked out of the room, leaving the door wide open.

“Changkyun?” Hyunwoo asked who was passing by the room a moment later. 

The room was dark, only a silhouette of the youngest member standing by the window stirring the stillness of the room was noticeable.

“Yeah?” He turned to look the leader’s way.

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing.” He started to walk away and Hyunwoo swallowed thickly as the maknae passed by as he stole a glimpse of his facial expression.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have a good evening, folks.


	51. Not today

“Wait.” Hyunwoo swiftly turned to look at Changkyun who was already on the way to his room.

“Did you have a fight?”

The maknae harshly sighed.

“No. It’s Hyungwon-ah got into a fight with everyone, myself included. Give him time to calm down.” 

He waved his hand and continued in his tracks but Hyunwoo made a couple of brisk steps to catch up with him.

“Listen.” He gently grabbed him by the wrist.

“Please, Hyung.” The youngest rapper looked into Hyunwoo’s eyes, a mix of indistinguishable feelings was flashing behind them.

“I’ll help you out. Jooheon isn’t coming back tonight. You can stay with him, I’ll sleep either on the couch or your bed.” He half-whispered.

“Why?” Changkyun deadpanned.

“What do you mean _why_?” Hyunwoo furrowed. “I don’t think I understand.”

“Why do you want me to make up with Hyungwon? You don’t know who is wrong or right, do you?”

The leader blinked twice.

“Are you saying Hyungwon who keeps his mouth shut until it’s unbearable.... 

Hyungwon, the one who keeps his emotions under control when we have disagreements will go out of his way to fuck something up in already sensitive situation both of you found yourself in?” 

Hyunwoo raised an eyebrow. “He might be wrong but not as much as you deciding to intentionally avoid him.” He held Changkyun’s gaze. “Am I wrong?”

Changkyun made no reply but felt his Adam’s apple reply on his behalf.

“Forget about it. Maybe I was wrong.” The leader released the maknae’s wrist and swiftly turned on his heel.

“No.” Changkyun’s voice echoed as he wrapped his hand around Hyunwoo’s forearm.

“I’ll talk to him.”

“Good.” The older guy glanced at maknae and smiled, eyes shifting in a moon shape.

* * *

Hyungwon walked out of the house fast. 

He quickly put on a coat, grabbed the wallet and disappeared behind the gate. 

The stillness of a cold March night was settling inside Hyungwon’s already gloomy subconsciousness. 

His path took him through a couple of blocks that were filled with cottages, detached and semi-detached houses. 

The location they’ve been living for a while now screamed _family_ inside Hyungwon’s mind. 

Tonight the thought that warmed his heart on a casual basis turned his blood cold. 

He reached a familiar brightly lightened shop and randomly picked his favorite snacks, a couple of things other members typically like. After getting a pack of menthols he was making his slow way back home. 

Hyungwon’s eyes were vacantly looking at the ground when his hand found the door and he turned the knob and walked in.

He silently took his shoes off and softly padded towards the kitchen. To his unfortunate surprise, he found Kihyun sitting in the windowsill.

“Where have you been?” The main vocalist’s voice resonated inside a silent room, only a refrigerator was making a humming noise.

“Combini.” Hyungwon put a plastic bag on the kitchen counter.

“I got you peanuts. You’ve been into them lately. Or you can take whatever you like. I grabbed everything randomly.” Hyungwon said as he reached the fridge and took a can of coke out.

He was in the doors when Kihyun called him again.

The said guy stopped in his tracks but didn’t make any further movements.

“Can it wait tomorrow? I am not running away but I just cannot deal with it tonight.”

“Sure.” Echoed “Good night.”

“Night.” Hyungwon disappeared behind the doors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for 100 kudos. 😊


	52. Too good to be good for me

After taking an extremely long and deliberate bath Hyungwon found himself in an empty bedroom. 

He knew Jooheon was not coming but he was surprised Hyunwoo hasn’t come to the room yet. He avoided any sort of contact with the rest of the members. 

He haphazardly dried his hair and after leaving the towel on the back of the chair he sat down on his bed and looked at the clock. 

Minutes ticked by. 

A tiny trace of anxiety he felt turned into a complete void. He half expected Hyunwoo to turn up but after an nth minute of sitting still he gave up.

He crawled under the blanket and deeply exhaled.

Hyungwon was one foot into a dreamland when the door slightly creaked and a moment later it was silently shut. Hyungwon was facing the wall. He shifted slightly but other than that made no noise.

“Hyungwon-ah.” The voice whispered.

“Hm?” He sluggishly hummed.

He might have had something to say to Hyunwoo an hour ago but all Hyungwon wanted to do right now was sleep.

“Hyungwon-ah.” The voice whispered once again but this time there was a foreign weight to his bed.

Changkyun crawled first on the bed, and then under Hyungwon’s blanket. 

He swiftly wrapped his right hand around the taller guy's stomach while pulling him closer. 

He threw his right leg across Hyungwon’s thigh while snuggling in. 

Hyungwon neither moved nor said anything. "Changkyun." The only thing that crossed his mind.

He felt Changkyun’s lips against his hair and earlobe. 

“What are you doing?” Hyungwon finally spoke.

“Hyungwon-ah.” 

Changkyun whispered as he started to nip Hyungwon’s earlobe with his teeth.

Hyungwon sluggishly opened his eyes and was met with a dark shape of the wall. He breathed in and out. 

He listened into the darkness.

He listened to a clock ticking.

He listened to Changkyun’s breathing.

“What are you thinking about?” Chankgyun nudged his nose into Hyungwon’s neck. “You smell really nice.” He mumbled.

“Aren’t you upset with me?” Hyungwon muttered.

The older guy felt the maknae flinch for the shortest moment. 

“I am not.”

“Liar.” Hyungwon turned to his back. 

He didn’t initiate any sort of skinship so Changkyun gently sticked his forehead to Hyungwon’s shoulder and started to gently rub on his arm.

“What are you scared of?” The rapper whispered.

“A lot of things, really.” Hyungwon sleepily said into the void of the room.

“All I want to do is to take our time. To love each other peacefully, but...” 

There was a pause. Changkyun kept on tracing different shapes on the older guy's arm.

“...but I am afraid if I make just one more step it will be over.”

Changkyun snorted and Hyungwon immediately turned to look at the silhouette next to him.

“What are you laughing at?”

“Myself.” Changkyun said a little louder. “Myself.”

“Hyungwon-ah, I fell in love with your sad eyes. You haven’t noticed, have you?”

“What?” Hyungwon asked confusingly. “No.”

“It’s weird, really. I like everything about you but first and foremost I was attracted to your careless affection, the melancholy of your insight and your eyes. They are always full of feelings and most of the time they look a little lonely to me.” He mumbled. 

“On the other hand, I like the way you numb the pain. No matter who, how or when you are willing to help.” 

Hyungwon turned to his left, wrapped his arms around the maknae’s waist, intertwined his legs around Changkyun's ankles and breathed down his neck.

“You helped me escape the feeling I didn’t know the name of back then. Sometimes I needed to stop myself from going mad. I went through so many emotions when it came to you I am surprised I haven’t lost my mind yet.” He muttered and Changkyun felt shivers down his neck.

"I-, I will love you until it hurts, Changkyun-ah." Hyungwon's eyelashes on his neck started to burn the rapper's skin.

"Or until you allow me to." He finished.

"It's the first time you said you _love me_ out loud." Changkyun murmured.

"I know. My verbal constipation is..." But Changkyun cut him off.

"No, it's okay. Actions are louder than words anyway." The maknae softly giggled as he curled up in Hyungwon's arms.

"What a capricious cat." Hyungwon thought to himself while placing a couple of soft kisses on his neck.


	53. Reflexion

“Does such thing as a fatal flaw exists?” The voice mumbled at the back of Hyungwon’s mind. 

“I used to think it doesn’t, however, now that I see an example of it right in front of my eyes...” 

A voice that belonged to someone else resonated within a void of darkness.

“Am I in the way?” Hyungwon tiredly looked around. 

It was dark. 

He tried to adjust his vision to it.

No, cross that out. 

He got used to these dreams. 

It became a different dimension he started to live.

It became way too familiar.

“Nope, you are the hero of the occasion. It would be boring otherwise.” The voice stated.

“Changkyun I suppose.” 

Hyungwon slid down the wall and crossed his legs in a lotus position, hitting the back of his head against the wall a moment later.

“Yeah.” The guy confidently approached Hyungwon crouching down in front of him a little further than a meter away.

“Hyungwon.” 

He smirked. 

“…or do you prefer to be called a _baby_?” 

An evil grin appeared on his face.

Hyungwon grimaced.

“You’re my sick fantasy.”

“Well duh…” The other made a couple of steps forward.

“…or maybe we are your rational part.” 

“What are you doing here?” Hyungwon looked up at the silhouette.

“Why are you asking me?” 

Hyungwon stared at the hardly visible features of the other guy.

“Is Hoseok standing behind you or something?” 

Hyungwon raked fingers through his hair.

“You look morbid, Hyungwon-ah. Are you upset?” 

“My lover and a friend are haunting me in my dreams. How do you expect me to look…” 

Hyungwon looked up to see the other guy's reaction.

“…Jooheon.” He finished a moment later.

The younger held his gaze for a couple of seconds before throwing his hands up in the air as if to stress the comicality of the situation.

“It’s your mind, not ours. We are here to depict your feelings no matter how dark or small they are.” He turned back.

“And no, it’s not Hoseok.” He snickered.

“Yet.” He continued.

“It seems you have more faith in him than in me.” He stole a glance at him.

“No-, I-,” Hyungwon started to mull his options over.

“No need, I already know what’s on your mind.” He signaled his hand.

“You were very cute as a kid.” Jooheon said while wrapping a hand around _his teenage self_.

“I must be out of my mind.” Hyungwon harshly sighed.

His other self was intensely staring. 

“Bring it on.” Hyungwon whispered after a little while. 

“He stopped talking.” It was Changkyun.

“He used to ramble how much he hates you but he hasn’t uttered a word since Jooheon came around.” 

Changkyun shrugged while standing up.

“You need to go.” 

“Where to?” Hyungwon snorted.

“I don’t know. I can hear his frantic feelings even from here.” 

Changkyun ran a hand through kid’s hair. It was blond and unruly.

“What are you talking about?” Hyungwon slowly started to stand up.

“Changkyun.” An imagined Changkyun looked him in the eye. 

“He is calling you.” 

He pointed a finger up in the air and started to walk away. 

Jooheon fixed him with a mean look before vanishing into the air.

* * *

“Hey.” Hyungwon heard when he opened his eyes, his chest felt tight.

“Wake up.” The voice kept on mumbling.

“What’s wrong?” Hyungwon tiredly blinked at the ceiling.

“Jee, you scared the shit out of me, Hyungwon.” 

Changkyun’s hand fell on his stomach as he laid comfortably next to him.

“Why?”

“You were having a nightmare.”

“I don’t remember.” He sat up.

“Where are you going?” 

“I am thirsty.”

“Should I come with you?”

“No, sleep. I am sorry.” 

After giving a peck on what Hyungwon thought was the younger’s cheek he climbed over him and stepped out of the bedroom, with little to no sound closing the door behind him.

He didn’t get another wink of sleep that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have wild images within my mind...why does it look LIKE THIS when I try to type the story down? 
> 
> My mind got a bit rusty but I picked up on the story again. I will try not to vanish for too long anymore. 🧐


	54. What are the options?

“Good morning.” A cool voice resonated from the hall.

Startled, Hyungwon turned to look at the direction of the sound. 

Kihyun was standing in the doorframe. 

He had checkered pajama pants on paired with an obnoxiously graphic tee that didn’t match whatsoever. 

His face was sleepy and serene.

“You’re up early.” Hyungwon locked his eyes on the main vocalist.

“I always rise early. What about you?” He unconsciously raised his hand to the back of his neck. 

Kihyun noticed Hyungwon’s eyes follow him so he let his hand fall to his hips right away.

“There is brewed coffee.” 

Hyungwon finally tore his eyes from the elder’s frame and switched his attention to the window.

“Thanks.” Echoed from the hallway as the other was walking away.

Hyungwon was expecting Kihyun to join him a moment later but it didn’t happen.

Seconds turned into minutes and minutes into a quarter of an hour. 

In the end, he picked a pack of cigarettes he started to keep in the drawer in the hallway and after carelessly putting his jacket on he stepped outside.

It was a bright cold day in March.

Hyungwon was standing on the porch smoking. He moved the cigarette back and forth idly.

“What are you doing?” The entrance door slightly screeched.

He turned around to meet eyes with Kihyun.

“Isn’t it obvious?” Hyungwon brought his left hand up in the air.

“Yeah, I am not blind.” The main vocalist grumbled. “Come inside, the breakfast is ready.”

Hyungwon just nodded, turning away and slowly inhaling again.

Kihyun stole the last glance at the tall silhouette and disappeared inside the house.

“The rest is still asleep?” 

Hyungwon wondered the moment he stepped into the kitchen. 

He swiftly took his coat off and hanged it on the back of the chair, moving towards the coffee machine next.

“I guess so. I haven’t seen anyone else.” Kihyun glanced at the taller guy for the shortest period of time.

“Do you want sausage or bacon?” He asked looking at the pan.

“I am not hungry, Ki.”

Kihyun turned to look at Hyungwon once again, this time not so secretly. 

With his peripheral vision, Hyungwon noticed the way Kihyun put one of his arms on his hip. 

He didn’t want to quarrel even about small things like these.

“Maybe bacon.” He threw a cube of sugar in his coffee before taking a seat behind the kitchen table. 

“Thanks.” He mumbled when Kihyun put a plate of 4 bacon strips, scrambled eggs, and a couple of slices of ripe avocado in front of him.

“Don’t worry.” The other sat opposite to him a moment later.

Kihyun slowly but steadily ate his breakfast while Hyungwon was playing with his food, interrupting himself with a sip of coffee or zoning out in-between.

“I understand why one would enjoy waking up early in the morning.” Echoed in the kitchen.

“Huh?” Kihyun looked up at Hyungwon. 

Kihyun avoided looking him in the eye for the last few weeks. 

No, he avoided looking at him in general.

But now that he did, now that the other one was right in front of him he noticed the way his face changed over the course of this short period of time.

No matter how skinny he was, he used to have a baby face and rather chubby cheeks.

Kihyun hasn’t noticed that the other lost a significant amount of weight but his face changed. 

He lost the last feature that reminded Kihyun of his childlikeness. 

His face was the same yet different. 

It became a little more hallow and sharper.

His eyes were as dark as before but now they looked foreign. Kihyun could never read them anyway.

What caught his eye though were his dark circles and paleness. 

All seven of them had them but Hyungwon’s looked as if he was suffering from insomnia. 

Taking into account he was the only member who would trade sleep to any other activities in their free time the main vocalist became alarmed.

“Are you listening to me?” Kihyun heard somewhere in the back of his mind.

“What?” The older locked his eyes on Hyungwon.

“The Earth calls Yoo Kihyun. You were spacing out while staring at my face.” 

Hyungwon tiredly smiled before reaching for a piece of toasted bread.

“No, I heard you, _the morning light can make the most grotesque things bearable._ " He finished while taking a look at his plate.

“Oh. So you did listen.”

“Hyungwon…” The main vocalist looked up only to realize the other was already looking at him.

“Yeah?” Hyungwon took another sip of his coffee. 

Both of them looked at each other until Hyungwon broke the silence.

“You aren’t very happy with me, are you?” 

“What?” Kihyun was startled. 

“It’s okay, really.” 

“I don’t think I understand.” 

“Yes, you do. We’ve always been like this. You didn’t like me from the very beginning. I was not very fond of you as well if I am being honest.” 

Kihyun felt a lump growing in the pit of his stomach.

Hyungwon smiled at his evident discomfort.

“Why are you so tense?” The taller asked while trailing his eyes towards the window.

“Because you are weird.” Kihyun blew his bangs up in frustration.

“Weird or annoying, it’s because we lack understanding. We are like two oceans that meet but don’t mix.” 

He looked at Kihyun for the shortest moment before reaching for his coffee again.

Unconsciously, Kihyun started to pick on the skin around his left thumb. 

“I know where you’re heading but I want you to say it aloud.” He mumbled nervously. 

“Nah.” Hyungwon shook his head. “You don’t understand.”

He said it without malice. 

“There is a specific point of time in everyone’s life when their character is fixed forever. 

Personally, for me, it was shortly after we debuted. 

No matter how much I looked and tried to beat myself to a different answer I have to admit you were and will stay part of it.

I guess someone like you is needed in my life.” 

Kihyun anxiously started to pick on his food. What was he doing? 

“I know you are worried about Changkyun.”

There was a pause.

"I suppose Hoseok as well."

“I am worried about all of you.” The older fixed his eyes on the taller who just tiredly smiled.

“Stop lying.”

“I am not lying goddammit. What do you mean to say? That I hate you? That it’s unbearable to be next to you? That I care about Changkyun and only him?”

“You like me but there is a limit to it. And do you know where I see your limit?” 

Kihyun pinched the bridge of his nose between thumb and forefinger.

“It hurts not being accepted for who you are.” Hyungwon whispered and Kihyun gasped.

“Hey.” The older felt conflicted.

“I care for you, it’s just…” 

At this moment Hyunwoo stepped into the kitchen.

“Morning.” He loudly yawned.

“Hey.” Kihyun looked at the leader first and back at Hyungwon who was already looking outside the window.

_The sky was fierce, burning blue._


	55. Where do we draw the line?

Changkyun woke with a start to bright sunlight and an empty, cold place next to him. 

Everything was still apart from a monotone ticking of the clock.

After another couple of minutes of lying motionlessly and trying to collect his thoughts he swung his legs out of bed and shuffled straight into the kitchen.

“Morning.” He mumbled while rubbing his left eye.

“Hey.” It was Kihyun who was sitting on a windowsill with a cup of coffee on his lap.

“Umm.” His eyes searched across the room and he first noticed Hyungwon who was looking outside the window and then Hyunwoo who was working rather steadily on his breakfast.

He strode to where Hyungwon was.

“Are you okay?” He raked a hand through his unbrushed hair. “When did you wake up?”

“Morning.” The taller turned to smile at the younger.

“Aren’t you eating?” Changkyun stole one of the bacon strips. 

“Do you want it?” He pushed his hardly eaten plate in the younger’s direction.

Kihyun watched them curiously until this moment. He meant to say something but the leader overran him.

“Hyungwon-ah, you have to eat. We have a busy schedule today.” 

“I am fine.” He elbowed his right cheek as he was watching Changkyun pushing the chair and sitting next to him.

The maknae started to pick on already cold food while looking at Hyungwon. 

Hyungwon was pale and his eyes were tired and preoccupied but there was nothing in his expression that gave any indication of what he might be thinking.

“Are you alright?” Changkyun asked hardly audibly.

Hyungwon switched his attention towards Kihyun who seemed to mind his own business and back at Changkyun.

“Yeah.” He pushed his cheeks in a semi smile.

“I’ll make you some coffee.” He stood up. “Do you want anything else?”

“A toast, please.” 

The taller nodded.

“Hyunwoo, what about you?”

“Do we have cereal?”

“I have no idea.”

“Nope.” It was Kihyun.

“You ate everything three days ago.”

“Too bad.” Hyunwoo’s voice was regretful.

* * *

Hyungwon was lazily looking outside the window as he was waiting for the coffee and toast when Hoseok walked into the room.

If the atmosphere just a minute ago was still, now it became a little strange, almost oppressive.

“What’s going on?” Hyunwoo’s voice resonated across the kitchen.

Changkyun’s eyes involuntarily found Hyungwon’s back while Kihyun turned to look at Hoseok.

“What are you talking about?” Hoseok mumbled while standing next to Hyungwon and rummaging through the cupboard.

“You need to talk to them.” Kihyun jumped off the windowsill. The words were meant for Hyunwoo. 

“I will be embarrassed if they make another scene today, TV shows require a specific type of energy. They differ from performances.” He walked to where Hyungwon was. 

“Kihyun.” Changkyun’s voice echoed.

Hyungwon grabbed the edge of the kitchen counter. 

He took a moment to take a deep breath and then he had nothing left but to snicker. 

His little snicker turned into a chuckle. 

It then turned into a small giggle and in the end into a burst of hysterical laughter.

“Hey.” Chankgyun stood up and headed to where Hyungwon was standing while Hoseok was too sleepy to process any of the information.

“Hey.” The maknae touched him by the shoulder while Hyungwon’s laughter was getting louder.

“Well done.” Hyungwon stopped the moment he felt the other’s touch.

He turned around and leaned against the kitchen counter, crossing his arms on his chest.

While Hoseok tried to make his gears rotating Hyunwoo started to tap on the kitchen table.

“You really don’t know when to shut up, do you?” Hyungwon said gravely while looking straight at Kihyun.

“Watch your words.” The shorter grimaced. 

“Look.” Hyungwon said evenly. “Limits. Know your limits.”

Kihyun frowned. “That’s a bit rich coming from you.”

“Do you see this?” Kihyun waved his right hand.

“Do you see how uncomfortable you make Changkyun feel?” 

Hyungwon turned to look at the maknae who looked lost.

“..or Hoseok, or Hyunwoo, and what about Jooheon?” 

“Kihyun.” Hoseok grumbled.

“No, listen to me. Do you see this? What’s going on here? You sleeping with Changkyun, do you see how it affects my day?

The others are restless or you fight with them or I don’t know what.”

“Shut up.” It was Minhyuk who stood at the door in the bathrobe, wide awake. 

“Just shut up.” He repeated himself while the rest were silently watching him.

There was a long silence, during which a bird was singing outside the window.

“Hyunwoo, why do you let him talk this way?” He said as he was walking towards the main vocalist.

The leader sat at the table immobile, his eyes fixed on Hyungwon. 

Suddenly, and without a warning, Hyungwon was overcome by a rush of emotion.

Afraid he would say something stupid, something he would regret, he grabbed Changkyun by the wrist, and without sparing a single look at either of the members both of them left the room.


	56. No more

Hyungwon was briskly walking upstairs while pulling the younger abrasively to his room.

It happened so fast Changkyun didn’t see how Hyungwon was backing him against the closed door.

“I am sorry.” His face was pale as he was biting on his lower lip.

“I am so extremely sorry.” 

“It’s not your fault.” Changkyun reached out to caress his right cheek.

“You’re white as a ghost.” He half-whispered.

“I don’t know what to do.” Hyungwon ignored the younger’s concerns.

“I can’t.” He muttered.

“I think it's better I left for a couple of days.”

“What?” Changkyun’s voice rose with a hysterical edge.

“No. What do you mean _its better you left for a couple of days_? It’s wrong.” He almost yelled.

“I would take you with me if I could.” He brushed a couple of fingers over the younger’s cheek.

“No.” Changkyun was looking straight at Hyungwon. 

“Where would you go? Hotel? Rent an apartment? Crash at your friend's place? What if someone recognizes you?”

 _“What if.”_ Hyungwon put an index finger to Changkyun's lips to stop him from talking.

“What if they don’t calm down? We are tired.” Hyungwon managed to squeeze a fake smile.

“It’s okay.” He left Changkyun’s side and headed towards the wardrobe, to get one of the middle-sized suitcases. 

The rapper stood motionlessly while the other was stuffing it with essentials. 

“I will go with you.” He muttered when Hyungwon was zipping it. 

“No. It might be a bad sign. They care for you more.”

“Hyungwon!” Changkyun yelled. 

“They care about you as well. What are you talking about?”

“They do, but you’re the priority. That’s why Kihyun is such a…” Hyungwon wanted to say something but he didn’t. He fought the urge and pushed it back.

“It’s okay, I am not sure about the rest but I know Minhyuk will take care of you. You can always rely on Hyunwoo as well.” He timidly smiled. 

“I’ll see you later. I will head out first, okay?” He wrapped his hands around the younger. 

“Look at me.” He leaned closer.

“Changkyun-nie, please.” Hyungwon’s voice was odd.

The maknae hugged the other tightly. 

“I love you.” Changkyun said while nudging himself even more into his chest.

“I will do whatever it takes to protect you.” He whispered close to his right ear.

“Everything will be okay.” Hyungwon kissed the younger on the earlobe before hugging him even tighter.

A moment later Hyungwon and his black suitcase with obnoxiously stupid stickers that were covering it were gone.

* * *

“Let me get this straight. I don’t care what he does in his spare time.” Kihyun spoke the moment Hyungwon and Changkyun were out of earshot.

Hyunwoo cleared his throat and everyone turned to look at him.

“No.” He finally spoke while leaning against the chair. “You do. It sounded pretty bad, Kihyun.”

“It sounded homophobic.” Minhyuk spat angrily.

Kihyun turned to look in surprise while Hoseok felt a lump growing in the pit of his stomach.

“It’s not like that.” Kihyun said defensively.

“What did he say?” It was Hyunwoo again.

“What did you talk about before I walked in?” His voice was low, somber.

“Nothing of importance.” Kihyun’s hand found its way to the back of his neck.

“Kihyun.”

“What?” The other snapped.

“Why do you gang on me? He said I don’t like him. That we do not mix well together.”

“We been knew.” Minhyuk said, sarcasm dripping from his words.

“I know he said more than that.” Hyunwoo looked straight at Kihyun.

“My limits. He mentioned something about my limits and not being accepting or something like that.” His voice became more quite with every word.

“Stop.” Hoseok finally spoke as he took a deep breath.

“It’s my fault.” Hoseok leaned against the kitchen counter. 

“He misunderstood me and Hyungwon yesterday so he tried to protect me. Don’t be angry at him. He’s been sensitive these days.”

“Sensitive?” Minhyuk’s voice resonated across the kitchen.

“What about Hyungwon and Changkyun? 

Do you understand what have you said? 

Do you know the weight of these words?

Of these harsh words?” Minhyuk was standing, disbelief was written all over his face.

“Min.” It was Hyungwon who was peeking from the hallway. 

“Hyung.” He gazed at Hyunwoo.

“Can I talk to you for a second?” 

“Sure.” Minhyuk walked out first, Hyunwoo two steps behind.

To Kihyun’s surprise the later closed the door behind him.

“What’s that?” Minhyuk saw the suitcase next to Hyungwon.

“What do you think?” Hyungwon was looking straight at Hyunwoo. “Do you mind?”

“Are you taking Changkyun with you?” 

“I think its better he stayed here.”

“Okay.” Hyunwoo ran a hand through his hair.

“What?” Minhyuk’s voice squealed.

“You can’t.” He said, shocked.

“It’s better this way, Min. Jooheon, Hoseok, now Kihyun. I am the reason behind it.”

“No.” Hyunwoo protested.

“You’re insane.” Minhyuk exclaimed.

“I’ll let you know where I will be staying the moment I find the place.” Hyungwon looked at Hyunwoo.

“Please.” Hyunwon switched his attention back to Minhyuk.

“I am begging you, take care of Changkyun. If it gets too bad, I will take him as well so you can take a breather.”

“It won’t be necessary.” Hyunwoo frowned.

“Yeah.” Hyungwon mumbled under his breath, he wasn’t looking at either of them anymore.

He hurriedly put his shoes on and after muttering a soft “thank you” he closed the door from the other side.

Changkyun was left staring into an empty space after Hyungwon had gone.

He sat on the unmade bed he and the other were sharing just a couple of hours earlier.

He first heard yelling, commotion, whispering, the door being opened and shut, and then it was silent. 

It became silent for a very long time. 

_Most of the time pain can be managed, but sometimes it gets you when you least expect it._

_It hits you below the belt. You have no strength to stand up._

_The only thing that's left is to keep living and breathing._


	57. Home is far away

Hyungwon was hardly out of the gates when he noticed a familiar figure.

Jooheon was walking up the block with what Hyungwon thought eyes closed, headphones on. He was practicing moves to one of their new songs.

Hyungwon wanted to disappear, to run away before the other notices him but there was nowhere to hide. 

He stopped in his tracks and looked at his right hand that was trembling.

“Why am I shaking? Am I going to cry? Gross.” He scarcely managed to finish his thought when Jooheon’s legs suddenly appeared in his view.

“Hyungwon-ah?” Jooheon asked confusingly as he took his headphones off. 

“Where are you going?” He asked, perplexed.

“I don’t know.” The taller oddly laughed while hiding his right hand in his pocket.

“What about the suitcase?” Jooheon stared at it for a second or two. “Do you have a schedule?” 

“I don’t know.” Hyungwon mumbled to himself. 

“Sorry, I am in a hurry.” The taller could not tolerate staying there another moment.

“Oh, zagiya.” Jooheon grabbed him by the shoulder.

“You haven’t called me like that for a very long time.” 

Hyungwon meekly smiled while looking him straight in the eye. It was a disoriented, full of mixed feelings, shy smile. 

And then he was gone. Jooheon watched him disappear behind the corner without a final word.

He scratched his head and made his way home hurriedly.

* * *

Hyungwon walked another block, mind oddly blank. 

He didn’t know where to go.

He had no idea who to call.

He wasn’t sure how to feel but there was one thing he was sure of.

_From now on, everything will change._

_It won’t be the same._

_Not anymore._

In the end, he fished his phone out and dialed a number he has been frequently calling for the last couple of months.

_“Good morning, Mr Chae.”_

_“Hello.”_

Hyungwon said shortly.

_“Is there something wrong?”_

Resonated from the received end.

_“No. I was just wondering if…”_

He heaved a heavy sigh.

_“I just wanted to ask if the place is more or less ready. I would like to move in.”_

_“Today?”_

The voice was calm.

_“Yes.”_

There was a short pause and some clicking sounds.

_“Mr Chae, I can meet you in 20 minutes near the object. Are you free at the moment?”_

_“Yes.”_ Hyungwon almost shouted.

_“Good, the last thing I need to ask you. How many sets of keys would you like to have in your disposition at the moment?”_

_“Two is okay.”_

_“Good. I will see you shortly.”_

The man hung up.

After the call was ended he let out the breath he didn’t realize he was holding.

“Okay, I can do it.” He hardly visibly smiled to himself.

“Now I need a cab.” 

He muttered to himself while placing an Uber order.

* * *

“Hello, Mr Chae.” A man in his 40s greeted Hyungwon with a slight nod.

“Hello.” The taller bowed down as he stopped in his tracks.

“It’s not completely furnished but…”

“It’s okay, as long as it has a bed and a shower I am good.” He smiled.

“Can you ask for cleaning services? I suppose it’s pretty dusty in there.” 

Hyungwon shifted his weight from one leg to another as he eyed a two-story detached house in front of him.

“Of course. Here you go.” He extended his hand with two sets of keys. 

“We were talking over the phone, two sets for now.”

“Yes.” Hyungwon nodded as he pocketed one pair and started to play with another one.

“Considering the rest of the furniture…”

“I would appreciate it if it was done when I am not at home, otherwise it’s up to you.”

“It’s missing only little things.” The man smiled.

“If you don’t mind.” He pointed at the keys.

“Oh, sure.” He opened the door and let the man in first.

He left the suitcase on the left side of the wall and followed the other shortly after.

“Wow.” He exclaimed. “It’s ready.”

“I know you said we shouldn’t be in a hurry but everything has been picked and it didn’t make sense to prolong it. 

The things that are missing is furniture for a guest bedroom since you picked it the last and little things like lamps and the wooden cabinet you wanted to be delivered from Sweden.”

“Oh yes.” Hyungwon said airily while looking around the first floor.

“It looks great. Thank you.”

“No problem. I am a little surprised you wanted to mov…”

“Yes.” Hyungwon cut the other man off.

“It’s complicated.”

“I understand.” 

“Considering cleaning services.” The man took his diary out.

“I will be gone in 4 hours and I will be home way past midnight. Tomorrow I will be away pretty much the whole day. And the day after that I will be away so…”

“It’s dusty because no one lives here but it was generally cleaned. I will ask someone to take care of it today. By the time you come back, it should be ready.”

“Thank you.” Hyungwon looked at the man and genuinely smiled.

“Then, if you forgive me.” The man slightly bowed and walked towards the exit.

The moment Hyungwon heard the entrance door being shut he harshly sighed while unzipping his coat.

“Well shit.” He said to himself.

“I will be damned.” 

He sat on a dark sofa he had changed his mind about what seemed a thousand times a couple of months ago.

* * *

“Yo.” Jooheon took his shoes off and walked into the first room that showed any signs of life. 

“Morning.” It was Minhyuk who was sitting on his bed with his phone in the hand.

“Hey.” He mumbled. “What’s up?”

Minhyuk locked the phone and threw it on the bad, facing Jooheon next.

“Well, you see…” 

“Where did Hyungwon go? I saw him on the way here. He was mute as a fish. He left without saying anything.” He leaned against the doorframe.

“He left.” Minhyuk stood up. 

“Okay, where?”

“I don’t know.” 

He passed him by and disappeared in one of the rooms they turned into a wardrobe.

“Just say so if you got off on the wrong foot.” Jooheon muttered to himself while walking down the hall to his, Hyunwoo’s and Hyungwon’s room they share.

“He is going to live separately for the time being.” 

It was Changkyun who was standing only in his jeans, a towel over his bare shoulders, hair wet.

“And before you ask anything else _no_. He wasn’t asked to leave.

He made the decision himself.

He just couldn’t stay here any longer.”

Changkyun’s gaze was steady, intense on Jooheon.

“I don’t think I understand.” Jooheon stuttered.

“Neither do I.” Changkyun tore his gaze away.

“The manager will arrive at 1:30 PM.” Were the last words the maknae said before padding towards his room, shutting the door behind him next.

Jooheon closed his eyes for a long moment while rubbing his temple with his fingertips.

“I can’t believe that." He finally said to himself.


	58. Memories

A sudden wind rustled through Hyungwon’s hair. 

He took a sip of his drink as he was leisurely sitting on a bench in front of the building, leaning against the back of it. 

Everything was white and empty and there was no noise but the wind in his ears. 

He couldn’t help but wonder when was the crucial point in his life?

Was it the period of time he started thinking about pursuing a music career?

Was it the day he became a trainee? 

Was it the moment he became part of the group?

Maybe it was the day they got their first award?

Or maybe it was a split second he realized he had feelings for another guy? But then wouldn’t the day he confessed make it the most special one? 

Or maybe it doesn’t hold a positive meaning. Quite the opposite. 

Maybe his turning point in life is what he is experiencing right now – rejection.

They are an overwhelming group and it was on an individual basis that Hyungwon really got to know them.

He liked Minhyuk the most. They have known each other for years even before debut happened. 

He is a bright person and Hyungwon has mostly been treated in a happy go lucky manner. 

He was the first one he could trust. His feelings haven’t changed much. They are still close. 

He hopes their relationship is what people call _lifelong friends_.

Hyungwon wasn’t too familiar with Hyunwoo until No Mercy. 

However, it would be fair to say he started to know him only after debut.

Before the show happened, Hyungwon thought Hyunwoo practiced silence while during the competition it wasn’t the right time to make friends. 

They happened to have similar schedules for a pretty long time. 

Hyunwoo would ask him to have lunch together while Hyungwon would drag him to the most random places.

He vividly remembers going to the Escape Room shortly after their debut. They didn’t manage to escape but the memory is still precious. 

With time, he became a person who gives him the most honest opinion on life. He likes talking with him while sharing a drink or two.

Hoseok was one of the few he got close to during No Mercy. 

He believes their relationship started on the right foot no matter how bad their circumstances were. 

He is forgetful, moody, a lot more childish than Jooheon and Changkyun combined but in either mood, he gets along with him well.

He wanted to punch Jooheon the first time they met but their relationship bloomed into something wonderful. 

Hyungwon became fond of him faster than he could have ever expected. 

He is kind, impulsive, and generous. 

He is someone who is easily offended but he also happens to be the brightest person Hyungwon has ever met. 

Hyungwon’s relationship with Kihyun is different. 

It’s not that it is strained but it is different. 

Hyungwon guessed they were people who generally can’t get along. He couldn’t have been more wrong. 

It did take a great deal of time and patience but eventually, both of them got close. 

It was after long arguments, quick scorns, never-ending rebukes, and _catch me if you can_ modes that oddly enough Hyungwon thought they became friends. 

He might be more biased towards others but Kihyun gets to see his more honest side. He finds their relationship precious.

And then there was Changkyun. 

They started off the wrong foot but they clicked immediately. He was fond of him. 

On the other hand, he cannot remember when he started to think anxiously of him. 

When was the moment Hyungwon saw him as more than just a friend? 

When did _I enjoy his company_ turn into _I want to impress him_?

Hyungwon furrowed as he tried to remember the exact moment he reached a conclusion he was in love with another guy, a friend and a bandmate he has spent long years alongside. 

He closed his eyes, for a long moment he rubbed his temple with his fingertips.

He can’t remember. He cannot point the day, nitpick the time it happened. It happened way too naturally.

Hyungwon shook his head in frustration. 

His feelings are real.

What he is feeling towards Changkyun is a genuine feeling. 

What Hyungwon wonders now, he was around them so much yet it seems he knows them so little. 

There was little to no indication they would face it with hostility.

Hyungwon wants to laugh. Who is he to judge?

He wanted to maintain the illusion that they are fine. That him having feelings for the maknae is something natural. 

Maybe he thought they would find it weird, but never in his wildest dreams would he think it is something that could ruin their dynamics as a group. 

Was he too wishful to think both of them could be accepted? 

He tried to deal with this situation as an adult. 

He wanted to be honest and straightforward.

He thought they are friends, there shouldn’t be secrets.

Was he wrong?

At this, someone snaps fingers in front of him.

“Is Hyungwon in there?” A chuckle comes right after.

Startled, wide-eyed Hyungwon looks up straight into Hyunwoo’s eyes.

He is smiling. He has that familiar warm smile that makes his eyes crinkle.

The only thing Hyungwon can think about is _Why is he smiling_?

“I am glad you’re here.”

“Where else could I be?” Hyungwon tiredly stands up and readjusts his black pants.

“You should have enough decency to at least pick up your phone.” It was Minhyuk. “I was worried sick.” His voice is unsteady. 

“I am sorry.” Hyungwon said, with a brief sideways glance to the guy next to Minhyuk - Changkyun.

His heart clenched.

Hyungwon briskly ran a hand through his hair and the next thing he knows he reaches for the youngest rapper, wrapping his hand around his wrist and tugging him close to himself.

He then fishes in his pocket, takes out a set of keys and pushes it into one of the youngers’ coat pockets. 

As he gazed at the maknae he noticed his lips were softly curved upwards.

“For you.” Hyungwon managed to say before Minhyuk literally stuck in between them. “What was that? Where are you staying?”

In the corner of his eye, he notices Jooheon who passes him by. He doesn’t look at no one in particular. His shoulders are droopy, his aura is doomy.

On the contrary, quite a striking opposite to Hoseok’s unblinking carelessness and Kihyun’s bored irritation that follow right behind him.

He briefly closes his eyes and pulls in a deep breath while catching up with the leader.

He is sandwiched between Minhyuk who is buzzing worriedly right next to him, and Changkyun who is ever so lightly comes in contact with his right hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pretty raw but...
> 
> Let me know whether it was okay or you want me to burn it down.
> 
> It's still 18th here so...Happy Birthday to Shownu.


	59. Inner voice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while.
> 
> I lost my touch a little bit so yeah, the next couple of chapters are going to be rough.
> 
> Bear with me? (～￣▽￣)～

Life is always filled with ups and downs, and Changkyun knows it.

The existence of _evil_ makes _good_ being bigger.

The existence of _misery_ makes _happiness_ brighter.

Changkyun doesn’t complain.

No matter how things turn bad after a second there is another one, after an hour there is another hour, and after today there is tomorrow. 

Changkyun has learned a lot of lessons but now he watches the other six who try to be corky and funny.

And a stranger would think they are sincere but Changkyun knows. 

He knows how detached, borderline impersonal they are from their true feelings and for a moment he thinks his whole life is a lie.

Changkyun is sitting between Hyungwon and Kihyun and thinks about how odd people happen to be.

He has never been a loud person. 

He preferred a smaller circle to a loud room filled with people. 

It also wouldn’t be wrong to say he likes to keep to himself.

Years, it’s been long years he has got to know the other six.

He came as an intruder who turned into a visitor, only to become part of the group.

It wasn’t too hard to find one or two appealing qualities in every member. 

Changkyun believes that if to look long enough you can find something shining within every single person. 

And it was his job to uncover these qualities, hidden paths, and locked doors in each and every member to make his stay in the group more enjoyable.

He wasn’t wrong.

While some relieved their traits sooner – 

At this moment Changkyun lands his eyes on Jooheon who is currently laughing. 

He always laughs hard when he means it but he remembers his gloomy face he was making half an hour ago and he wonders whether it’s the rock hard facade he has managed to master over the years.

Some allowed themselves into his life much later.

He unconsciously glances first at Hoseok and then at Hyunwoo who is leaning against the chair, posture relaxed, almost Zen-like.

Overall, he doesn’t think he is the type of person who holds grudges.

He honestly cannot remember a lot about the times he first met the other six except a certain mood that is still lingering within his mind from time to time. 

Some sort of melancholic feeling that he associates while watching them from time to time. 

And even though it doesn’t happen as often as it used to in the previous years now it hits him with a new rush of feelings.

It’s the first time he was concerned about someone else’s place in the group.

He turned to look at Hyungwon who is rather pale.

He mostly blames it on the makeup but there is more to it and he knows it. He can feel it in his bones.

Hyungwon, Hyungwon who was gazing vacantly at the hosts.

Hyungwon, who no longer has that burning something he used to have. 

Something remarkable about him has vanished.

Something vital and alive and he cannot stop but blame the other five.

But then he turns around as if sensing Changkyun and slightly winks at him with both of his eyes.

And it was more than enough to push all of the thoughts back, to dissolve all of the mental darkness that was accumulating in his mind.

And for the briefest moment of time Changkyun thinks whether he imagined these things by letting the negative emotions take the best of him. 

Nonetheless, a prickle rises on the nape of his neck when the show is over.

He is hyperaware that it is too quiet when they are saying their goodbyes to the staff and shuffle out of the building.

He starts to think about how blue it is to be with someone for four long years, yet know next to nothing about them.

He realizes why he was reminded of these early days – loneliness.

Changkyun lets his eyes anxiously land on Hyungwon’s back. He sees himself in his lover and it scares him.

Minhyuk picks on the maknae’s change of demeanor.

“Hey, are you alright?” Minhyuk raises an eyebrow while locking his eyes with the younger.

“Yeah.” Changkyun's tone is low.

“Are you hungry? What do you want to eat?” The elder's voice is high pitched.

Changkyun is about to turn around and make whatever he is trying on him stop but by this moment all of them are outside. 

He heard bits of Hyunwoo’s speech here and there but it wasn’t important.

Hyungwon stopped on his tracks and turned around to look at Changkyun, he was smiling.

He leaves Minhyuk's side and stolls towards Hyungwon.

“Do you have any plans for the evening?” The older asks, his voice is softer than usual. 

He guesses he doesn't want the rest to eavesdrop. Changkyun shakes his head.

“Then – “ Hyungwon takes a moment to think and before he can come up with something Changkyun’s legs give away as someone jumps him.

“What are you gossiping about?” Minhyuk breathes down Changkyun's neck but his eyes are on Hyungwon.

“I don’t know.” Hyungwon shrugs.

“Hungry?”

Chankgyun clicks his tongue. He takes a deep breath and means to say a great deal but instead his stomach grumbles.

To his unfortunate surprise, he isn't the only one who hears it because the other two are chuckling in unison.

“Let’s go eat.” Hyungwon turns to look at the rest of the group and Changkyun sees him heave a heavy sigh.

“Guys, we are going to eat. Who is hungry?” He knows the older tries to sound casual but there is a tiny note of tightness.

Only three of them ended up going to dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It didn't make too much sense, did it? （⊙ｏ⊙）
> 
> I will try to do better in the next one.
> 
> Thanks for your time.


	60. One of these nights

They ended up in a Japanese restaurant Minhyuk insisted trying out and after that, a bar Hyungwon and Changkyun couldn’t hear the end of during their dinner.

The waiter sat them by a window wall. 

Hyunwon picked a seat right next to the window and it seemed he wanted to be left alone but Changkyun sat beside him.

He was forced to throw his backpack to the floor.

Hyunwon ordered double whiskey on the rocks without looking at the menu.

“Why did you drag us here if you don’t even drink?” 

Hyungwon’s mood worsened drastically after dinner. Changkyun saw it in his hostility and uncommunicativeness. 

“Come on, you know what kind of drinker I am. Maybe a little bit later.” 

Minhyuk’s eyes darted towards Changkyun as if to ask to help him out but the maknae feigned ignorance.

He wanted to spend some alone time with the older and Minhyuk was in his way.

Hyungwon didn’t reply but hummed as he turned to look outside the window.

No one spoke for a long time.

“Look – “ Minhyuk sighed after a while. “I understand how you feel, but – “ 

“Do you?” Hyungwon interrupted Minhyuk. “Do you really, Minhyuk?”

“Yes.”

Hyungwon turned to look straight at the older, eyes cold and unapologetic.

“Changkyun, what do you think?” Hyungwon kept on looking at Minhyuk.

“What?” The rapper turned to look at his profile.

“Do you think he knows how you feel like?”

“Hyungwon.” Minhyuk moistured his lips. His posture was getting more nervous.

“I know you as good as you do me. Don’t think I cannot use your own tricks on you.” 

Hyungwon turned away to order his fourth drink.

“I just want to help.” The oldest mumbled as he defensively crossed his arms on the chest, kicking at the floor.

“I don’t remember asking though.”

“Here we go again.” He rolled his eyes.

“I prefer to think the situation over before coming to any conclusion, Min.” Hyungwon said not so kindly.

“What is there to think about? 

You already ran away, you just need to talk to them. 

You are making it even worse.”

“Hey.” Changkyun raised his voice but the waiter appeared with the drinks and no one spoke until he was out of earshot.

“So unreasonable.” Hyungwon snorted.

“So are you.”

“Shut up both of you.” Changkyun said without looking up.

“Minhyuk, tell me you had better intentions than picking a petty fight with Hyungwon when I had an opportunity to spend an evening with him. 

You know damn well we don’t have a lot of spare time.” He finally fixed the oldest with a glare.

Minhyuk made no reply but felt his Adam’s apple reply on his behalf.

“And you, what’s wrong with you? 

You haven’t been yourself since we came here.” Changkyun stared at Hyungwon's profile until the elder’s expression changed from nonchalance to iffy. 

“I am sorry.” Hyungwon finally mastered after a pause. 

“I just was thinking – “

“About?”

“It doesn’t matter.” He turned to look outside the window again.

He put his left elbow on the table while wrapping a palm around his mouth.

“Come on, tell me.” The youngest clang onto his forearm.

“It’s nothing, really.”

“Stop lying to him.” It was Minhyuk. “I hate that habit of yours.”

“And what about yourself?” 

Hyungwon barked back as he whipped his head towards Minhyuk. His eyes were glinting but there was no malice behind them. 

“What? I told you the last time. You left him alone while you ran off drinking. I told you not to repeat yourself.” Minhyuk tsked.

“Changkyunnie, you sure you like him?” 

The oldest motioned his hand in Hyungwon’s direction. “He is pretty useless, isn’t he?” He laughed. 

Hyungwon saw the way the youngest snickered.

“Stop it.” Hyungwon failed to catch the sarcasm of it. 

“Then tell him.” Minhyuk took a sip of his drink.

“I am just worried about these three and – “ Hyungwon swung the liquid inside his glass. 

“ – and?” Chankgyun asked expectedly. 

“It’s stupid, really.” Hyungwon leaned back. “How hard is it to quit the group?” 

The other two didn’t say anything for a while but both of them were looking at Hyungwon with extreme incredulity.

“What did you just say?” Changkyun whispered after what seemed an eternity. 

Hyungwon airily laughed at that.

“Why do you look so scared?” Hyungwon faced the maknae, running a hand over his cheek for the briefest moment. 

“I am not saying I want to necessarily quit now. I am just thinking about it. How would it look like and stuff.” 

He looked away from Chankgyun and settled his gaze on Minhyuk instead. 

The oldest was frowning.

“Did you forget the bed we were sharing when you came to Seoul? 

Did you forget the drive of wanting to debut?

Why are talking about things like these?” His eyebrows were meeting each other.

“I do.” Hyungwon laughed at that.

“We were persistent back then, weren’t we? What has changed? Everything and nothing. We are approaching our 30s, Minhyuk.

Do you ever feel like you are a slave?”

“A slave?” Minhyuk copied.

Hyungwon just nodded.

“A modern slave. None of us belong to ourselves. Schedule this, schedule that.

Heck, we don’t even decide when we sleep and eat.”

To this Minhyuk slightly snorted.

“I know what you are implying.”

“Good.”

“But it seems Changkyun is hearing about it for the first time.”

Hyungwon turned to look at the maknae. The expression in his eyes was hard to read.

“Are you upset?” Minhyuk tilted his head slightly to the right.

“No.” He shook his head.

“Liar.” Hyungwon wrapped his hands around his shoulders.

“Why are you upset? Did I say something wrong?

It was just an idea. Something I’ve been contemplating for a while now.

Stop sulking.” He said barely above the whisper as he puffed hot air right into Chankgyun's left ear.

“I am not.” 

“You are.”

“Okay, yes I am. Half of the day I was imagining things like wondering whether you will be as excluded as I once was but you surpassed my expectations.

You are just thinking of quitting.” He said quietly but without a fail. his eyes were fixed on a random spot.

When he was done Hyungwon unwrapped himself from the younger, blankly blinking at the other.

“What?” He turned to look at the other two.

“What’s wrong?” He questioned.

Hyungwon leaned forward again. His jet black hair was falling in his face. He had a dark yet secretive expression as he spoke while running a hand through his hair.

“Changkyun, I won’t leave you. Don’t worry about it. It was just a thought, okay?

I am sorry I made you upset and reminded you of bad days.”

“They weren’t bad. I just don’t like the idea of them treating you that way.”

Hyungwon snorted as he lowered his gaze.

“I want to bite you.” He took his hand away as he returned to his original position.

“You’re drunk.” Changkyun snickered while looking at Minhyuk. The oldest looked pale.

“Are you okay?” The rapper raised his eyebrow.

“I am sorry.”

“And you are sorry for?”

“I didn’t know you feel this way, both of you. I will talk to them. You let this go on for long enough.”

“Calm down.” Changkyun ran a hand through his hair.

“It has nothing to do with you. There is no one to blame. I am sure they will calm down, and if not – “ 

Changkyun bit his lower lip.

“Then what?” Hyungwon appeared in his trajectory of vision. “Then what?” He repeated himself, eyes twinkling with mischief. 

“Jee, Hyungwon. You were fine just a moment ago. Pull yourself together.” He pushed his head away. 

“Huh.” He pretended to pout as he motioned towards the waiter.

“What? Do you want to go?” Minhyuk asked.

“Yeah.” Hyungwon nodded. “My vision is swimming, I won’t wake up tomorrow if I don’t leave now.” 

He smiled. “You can stay if you – “ 

“No.” The other two said in unison. “Let’s go.”

* * *

“Do you think Hongsik will pick us up?” Hyungwon was chewing on his lower lip as he went through his contact list.

“Nah, don’t call him. Let’s take a taxi.” Minhyuk pushed his hands inside his pockets.

“Okay.”

Hyungwon placed an order as three of them were standing outside the bar. It was close to midnight.

“Where are you staying, Hyungwon- ah?”

Minhyuk asked without turning his way. Changkyun, however, did.

“The place I bought. It’s not finished but it has all the necessities.”

Minhyuk slowly nodded.

“I didn’t know.” Chankgyun said quietly. 

“Hyungwon doesn’t talk much about things like these.

Under normal circumstances he would say when all of the maintenance has been done, am I right?” 

Hyungwon nodded as he slightly swayed. 

“You will like it, Changkyunnie. A lot of open space. Do you want to come over?” He laughed while looking up the starry sky.

“Yeah.” The rapper breathed out. "Yeah, I do."

“Oh.” Minhyuk exclaimed. 

“To do the ero –“ 

_Ouch._

“What for?” Minhyuk rubbed the place where the youngest punched him.

“Changkyun, stop taking after Hyungwon’s brutality, it’s not cute.”

“So? Can I take a look?” The maknae looked up at Hyhungwon expectedly. 

They looked at each other for a little while before Hyungwon leaned down and ever so gently brushed his lips over Changkyun’s side of the neck.

“Next time.” He was back to looking at him.

“I will invite all of you.” He smiled when something caught his attention. 

“The cars are here.” He mumbled. 

“I will take the second one.” 

And without looking at either of them he started to walk towards the black BMW.

The rapper turned to look up at Minhyuk and then at a reseeding back.

“He is all alone.” Changkyun muttered. 

“Go after him.” Minhyuk pushed him in the back. “Someone has to wake him up or else he will be late.” 

Minhyuk watched the way Changkyun perked up and quickly ran after the other who nearly jumped when he noticed who caught up with him.


End file.
